


An Angel to Fall For

by crazywalls



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angel Castiel, Angst, Angst and Feels, Baking, Blow Jobs, Castiel's First Time, Cheesy, Coming In Pants, Dean Has a Sexuality Crisis, Dean's First Time With a Man, Denial of Feelings, Destiel - Freeform, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Fluff, Explicit Sexual Content, Fluff and Smut, Going to Hell, Human Castiel, Libraries, M/M, Mechanic Dean, Outcast Castiel, Pie, Pining, Self-Esteem Issues, Spells & Enchantments, Teen Castiel, Tie Kink, Transformation
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-02
Updated: 2016-11-19
Packaged: 2018-05-11 06:36:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 55
Words: 69,509
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5617102
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crazywalls/pseuds/crazywalls
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Dean finds a boy in the middle of the night on a deserted highway he gives him a ride. Little does he know who - or rather what - his fellow passenger actually is.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Alternate Universe where Dean isn't a hunter and angels don't use vessels but have their own bodies and age, however incredibly slowly so Cas looks like he's just about 18 or 19.

The person had come out of nowhere and Dean hit the brakes in the last moment, the Impala stopping merely an inch or two from the crouched body. Dean’s heart was pounding frantically in his chest from the shock and he stared wide-eyed at the street in front of him, illuminated by nothing but his car’s headlights.

After a split second his instincts kicked in and he jumped out of the car and into the pitch-black, freezing cold night. He dropped to his knees next to the guy, ignoring the cold water soaking his jeans and the rain pouring down on them.

“Fuck, are you okay? Can you hear me?!” Carefully reaching out his hand Dean realised it was a boy, probably a couple of years younger than him, who was soaking wet.

“C’mon, let’s get you somewhere dry and warm,” he tried again when the guy didn’t react and gently lay his hand on his shoulder.

Apparently the physical contact brought the kid back down to earth and he flinched away from Dean’s touch, staring at him with wide eyes hidden by the shadows on his face. Dean squinted, trying to get a good look at him but the headlights blinded him.

“Hey, I’m not gonna hurt you, I just wanna help. Are you hurt?”

After a moment of hesitation the boy slowly shook his head as if he was uncertain.

“Alright, think you can get into my car? I really don’t want to leave you here in the pouring rain in the middle of the night.” The boy barely reacted to Dean’s words much less made a single sound.

By now Dean’s clothes were nearly soaked through and he was starting to freeze. He reached out his hand again and to his surprise this time the boy took it and let Dean help him up.

“Okay, just give me a sec.” With that Dean hurried to the trunk and got a few towels and a blanket that he quickly wrapped around the kid – thank heaven he still had some clean laundry – and made him climb into the passenger’s seat. When the door was shut he rounded the hood and got back in as well, immediately turning up the heating.

He turned around and handed the boy a towel before taking another one to wipe over his own face and rub through his hair. When he looked up again he met the boy’s eyes in the twilight of the car. He was staring at him with a slightly tilted head, water still seeping out of his hair and over his face.

“You gotta use it to get dry, y’know,” Dean said with a hint of amusement in his voice.

The boy looked down at the towel in his hands and tentatively starting running it over his face and through his hair, leaving it all tousled. Dean wondered how long he’d been in the cold, he looked like hell but didn’t seem to freeze at all – unlike Dean who was shivering from the few minutes he’d been out there.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” he asked when he realised the awkward silence had stretched.

A slow shaking of the boy’s head was all the answer he got.

“You gonna tell me where you’re from?”

Silence.

Suppressing a sigh Dean eyed the kid for a few moments. “Alright, are you at least going to tell me your name?”

“My name is Castiel.” It was barely more than a rough whisper but somehow the voice sent a shiver down Dean’s spine.

“Castiel, huh… I’m Dean. Going anywhere in particular?”

Another shake of the kid’s head, eyes cast downward at his hands.

“Um, okay, you, uh, wanna tag along for a while? Don’t worry, I’m no psychopathic killer or something – well, that’s probably what a psychopathic killer would say, but, um…” Dean trailed off, mentally shaking his head at himself. What the hell way he saying?

Truth was, the kid somehow made him nervous but he couldn’t quite put his finger on what it was that caused this reaction.

“I think I would like that,” the quiet voice interrupted Dean’s thoughts. “I know you are a good man.”

For another second or two Dean stared at Castiel with a baffled expression, then he blinked and remembered he should probably say or do something. “Yeah, uh, okay then… I’m headed for Kansas so if you wanna stay a bit…”

“Yes, thank you.” Something resembling a faint smile flashed over the boy’s face before he turned to stare through the windshield into the gloomy night sky.

Dean put the car into first gear and started driving, the roar of the engine and the rain drumming on the roof the only sounds until he switched on some music, turning the volume down when he noticed the kid’s wince from the corner of his eye.

***

They had been driving in silence for almost two hours when Dean started looking for signs on the roadside. Trying to talk to Castiel was pretty much pointless, he barely got any answers to his questions.

“Listen, I really gotta get some sleep, been driving for thirteen hours straight. You okay with getting a room in the next motel we see?”

“Yes.”

“You always this talkative?”

“I don’t believe I’ve said enough to lead you to this conclusion.” Castiel’s expression was completely serious.

“No shit,” Dean muttered under his breath and took the next exit.

After a few miles he noticed a motel’s sign, saying “Vacancies” in bright neon letters. He followed it and pulled into the half empty parking lot.

With a glance at his fellow passenger he got out of the car and stretched his sore back, waiting for Castiel to get out as well. Dean had tried asking about his background, how he’d gotten into the middle of nowhere in this weather at night and why he didn’t have any luggage with him, not even a backpack, but Castiel either hadn’t been listening to him at all or he had completely ignored him. Dean wasn’t sure which option he liked less.

“I’ll just get us rooms, be right back,” he said and disappeared towards the reception. Maybe the weird guy was gone till Dean got back and he could just forget about all of this.

Of course he had no such luck. Even worse, he had some bad news for Castiel.

“They don’t have any single rooms left so I got us a twin room. Hope you don’t mind.”

“I don’t sleep anyway,” Castiel said quietly.

Eyeing Castiel in the faint, blueish light Dean mumbled, “Uh… Okay… But not ‘cause of me, right?” 

“No. You should get some sleep.”

Giving a single nod Dean led the way to a room, unlocked the door and let Castiel enter first. He switched on the light and surveyed the room.

“Thank God,” he sighed at the sight of clean bedsheets and only slight wear.

“I don’t think that G…” Castiel trailed off when he felt Dean’s eyes on him.

“What?”

Shifting uncomfortably under Dean’s gaze he mumbled, “Nothing.”

For the first time since he had nearly run Castiel over, Dean was able to see him clearly. His beige trenchcoat was covered in dirt, there were still a few smudges on his face and… were that leaves and a little stick in his hair?

“What the hell happened to you?” Dean asked harshly.

Castiel winced at the words and stared at the ground. “I think I should get cleaned up.”

“Hey, look at me.”

After a moment of hesitation Castiel raised his head and met Dean’s eyes. The despair in the most stunning blue eyes Dean had ever seen was obvious.

“What happened to you?” he asked, softer this time.

Castiel just stared back at him, not uttering a single word.

Dean sighed and shook his head. “Okay, look, just… How old are you? I don’t wanna risk getting in trouble for giving a minor I know nothing about a ride.”

“I’m… 19…?” It was more of a question.

“You sure?”

Nodding, Castiel looked at Dean with something like curiosity. “How old are you?”

“24. Anyway, I’m gonna get some sleep now. Go get cleaned up, and keep your hands to yourself.” With that warning he slumped down on the bed closest to the door, took off his shoes and leather jacket and slid under the covers. “And no watching me while I’m sleeping, that’s creepy.”

“I understand.”

Only a quiet ‘klick’ indicated Castiel had gone into the bathroom and closed the door, Dean hadn’t even heard his footsteps. When the water was running Dean grabbed his phone and quickly checked for missing person reports matching Castiel’s description. Nothing.

Sooner or later he’d find out what it was with that guy, Dean decided. And if not it wasn’t his problem. He just hoped this wouldn’t bite him in the ass somehow.


	2. Chapter 2

It had been a restless night. Dean had woken up several times, sure he felt Castiel’s eyes on him every time but he hadn’t said anything. When he finally gave up trying to fall asleep again he rolled on his side and blinked at Castiel who was sitting on the edge of his bed motionlessly. After his shower he looked a little better, still something uncertain and miserable was reflected on his face.

“You still sure you ain’t hurt or anything?” Dean asked, voice rough.

Castiel seemed a little confused when he answered, “Yes, I’m sure.”

“Did you get any sleep at all?” 

“I told you, I don’t sleep.”

“Perfect, maybe you should drive then,” Dean mocked and rubbed his eyes.

“I don’t know how to drive a vehicle,” Castiel remarked.

Dean shook his head, a faint smirk on his face. “You’re a strange guy, Cas.”

Blue eyes squinted at him in confusion. “My name is Castiel.”

“Yeah, uh, I know, but I thought Cas isn’t such a mouthful,” Dean mumbled, shrugging. “You mind me calling you Cas?”

Castiel seemed to think about it for a moment then shook his head. “It’s fine.”

“Alright, lemme just brush my teeth and get a coffee and then we can leave.”

***

“So what’d you do the whole night?”

By now Dean had gotten used to Castiel always taking a while to respond, weighing every word carefully – if he answered Dean’s questions at all. Still, his answers were rather vague and Dean felt like he’d barely gotten to know anything about him yet. The only thing he knew for sure was that Castiel had neither luggage with him nor a single penny, the clothes he wore apparently his only possession.

Finally Castiel spoke. “I was thinking. Hoping for a revelation.”

Dean raised a brow but didn’t say anything. Another thing he’d learned was that Castiel mostly spoke in riddles, took everything literally and didn’t seem to know much about ‘normal’ life and slang.

Maybe he was one of those Amish guys who lived without electricity and all that, he thought. Didn’t they have that time where teens could go explore the world or something?

However, this wouldn’t explain his appearance. Who the hell ran around in suit, tie and a trenchcoat all the time, especially when they were out to see the world – or on the run?

He knew it wasn’t none of his business, it shouldn’t be. But he was just way too curious to just let it go and stop bugging Castiel with questions, hoping he’d get at least a spark of truth out of him eventually. Nevertheless he decided to give his fellow passenger a break.

They were quiet for a long while until Castiel quietly asked, “Why are you driving to Kansas?”

Not expecting a question Dean was confused for a moment. “Huh?” He glanced at the guy in the passenger seat. “Uh, I live there. Was on a… business trip, you could say.”

“What do you do for a living?”

“I’m an auto mechanic. You?”

“I don’t work.”

“You a student?” Dean asked, not wanting the conversation to stop as suddenly as it had started.

“Aren’t we all learning something new every day?”

Of course, another cryptic and cagey reply. Dean couldn’t say he was surprised. With a sigh he stopped the car on the shoulder and turned to look at Castiel. “Okay, listen, you gotta give me something here.”

Castiel tilted his head, unsure what Dean meant. “Excuse me?”

“I wanna know at least a little ‘bout you. You can’t just expect me to give you a lift like this.”

Meeting Dean’s eyes Castiel gritted his teeth briefly, his hands clenching in his lap. “What do you want to know?”

“Did you run away from somewhere?”

Something Dean didn’t recognise overshadowed the boy’s face for a moment before he regained his composure. He just stared at Dean for a full minute, presumably to figure out how to phrase his answer. Finally he mumbled, “I was told to leave. My family does not wish for me to return.”

That wasn’t what Dean had expected. He gaped at Castiel for several seconds. “Your family kicked you out?”

Castiel’s eyes darted away. “You could put it that way, yes.” 

“Didn’t they at least let you pack some stuff?” To be completely honest, Dean was shocked.

“I don’t possess anything and there would not have been time to do so anyway. They threw me out.”

“How long ago was that?”

“It was last night, shortly before I met you.”

“Wait, what? How’d you get onto that street then? It was in the middle of Bumfuck, nowhere!” That couldn’t be correct. Castiel must have completely lost track of time while he was out in the dark, cold night all by himself.

His voice interrupted Dean’s train of thought. “That was where I… was left,” he finished after hesitating shortly.

Dean could only shake his head. “What kind of family does that? Sorry, man, but that’s bullshit. They drove out there with you to just leave you in the middle of the fucking highway?! And how’d you get all that dirt all over you, while we’re on it?”

“I fell into the woods.”

The shaking in Castiel’s voice was minimal but Dean heard it anyway. He reached out his hand to rest it on Castiel’s shoulder, squeezing it reassuringly and biting back all the other questions running through his mind. “You got anyone else you can stay with?”

Pressing his lips together tightly, Castiel shook his head, averting his gaze again.

He didn’t know what’s got into him but Dean felt sorry for the boy so without even thinking about it he offered, “You can stay at my place for some time if you want to. Y’know, figure out all of this.”

Big blue eyes stared into Dean’s, hope and fear apparent in them. “Really?”

“Well, you ain’t got any money and I can’t just leave you all alone, can I?” Dean shrugged nonchalantly, pretending to be way more confident of his decision than he actually felt. “Whaddaya say?”

“I would appreciate it very much.” Castiel gave Dean a faint smile then his bottom lip began to quiver.

“Oh no, please, don’t…” Dean mumbled and started stroking Castiel’s arm awkwardly as tears began to well up in his eyes.

A moment later the first tear was running down the boy’s cheek and he sniffled before wiping it away with the back of his hand, staring at it with wet eyes and fascination on his face. “I’ve never cried before.”


	3. Chapter 3

“Dude, what’re you doing?” Dean asked, staring at Castiel in disbelief.

“Combing… my hair?” Irritated blue eyes met Dean’s and Castiel lowered his hand holding the brush.

Shaking his head Dean replied, “I see that, Cas, but not with the clothing brush. Where’d you find that anyway?”

With a small shrug Castiel set it away, looking slightly embarrassed for a second before the usual stoic expression crept over his face. The only time Dean really had seen any kind of emotion other than confusion – and the guy looked confused pretty much the whole time – was when he’d cried and even then he’d seemed to be more irritated than sad.

This guy still remained a mystery to Dean. He barely said anything until he got asked a question, gave a lot of strange and cryptic answers, was brooding the entire time and all in all just acting extremely weird – the clothing brush being one of the more harmless things considering Dean had caught him trying to stick his fingers into the hot toaster the previous night.

“Alright, listen, I gotta go to work now, just… stay here, that’s probably best. You can watch TV or something, just keep your hands away from the toaster. And the stove. And no poking around in the sockets, got it?”

Castiel nodded hesitantly. He looked so lost that Dean had to suppress a sigh and convince himself he really needed to get to work.

“Why don’t you just sit on the sofa and I’ll show you how the TV works…” He grabbed the remote, turned on the TV and explained the most important features. “Okay, now I really gotta go, sorry Cas. See you tonight, okay? And remember, I trust you, so don’t do anything stupid…” He had no idea why but there was something about Castiel that really made Dean trust him.

“You will not regret that. God would be very proud of you, Dean, you are a good man,” was Castiel’s formal answer.

Dean turned towards the door of his small flat and rolled his eyes but didn’t say anything.

“Dean?” Castiel’s voice stopped him in the doorway.

“Yeah?”

“Where is your place of employment?”

“The auto shop’s right down the road.” He crossed the living room, grabbed a scrap of paper and a pen and scribbled something on it. “Here’s the number but please, only call if it’s an emergency, okay?”

Another nod. “I will keep that in mind. Have a nice day at work.”

“Thanks.” Dean smiled and hurried out the door so he wouldn’t be late.

No four minutes later he reached the auto shop, getting a sour look from Bobby. “Ya think ya can come an’ go whenever you want now?”

“Sorry, Bobby, there was just something I had to take care of. Won’t happen again.”

“Something or someone?” a female voice asked from underneath a car right before Jo’s head popped into view.

“None of your business,” Dean replied as he got into his overall.

With a grin Jo disappeared back under the car. “You know I’ll find out sooner or later anyway,” she called.

“Enough of this, concentrate on your work,” Bobby mumbled gruffly.

“Yessir.” Dean went right back to where he’d left off before his trip north, working on a ’60 Ford Falcon. From the corner of his eye he saw Bobby shaking his head and smiled. His boss had practically become his second father, even more so after he’d taken over John Winchester’s auto shop when John could finally be convinced to be treated for his drug addiction and they spent nearly every day together.

God, he really needed to call Sam and talk to him about visiting their father again. Nowadays it was nearly impossible to get a hold of his brother with him going to law school and all but they couldn’t just ignore their dad even though he hadn’t exactly been a good father since their mum had died.

“You still thinking ‘bout your hot date or whatever it was last night?”

Dean cringed, Jo had come up behind him without him noticing. “Could you stop doing that?!” he growled.

“Stop doing what?” she asked innocently, leaning against the hood of the car.

“You know what. Just get back to work, you know Rufus told you to get it done by tomorrow.”

She huffed out a laugh. “And you know that you’re not my boss.”

“If you keep getting on my nerves you won’t be working here anymore when I take over.”

Their usual banter felt good, it was something normal, something that reminded Dean that there were other things than a drug-addicted father and a weird-ass, homeless kid staying in his flat. Thinking of the latter, Dean really hoped he would find his home in the exact same state he’d left it and Cas didn’t manage to burn it down. The guy really didn’t know anything about electricity and modern lifestyle and Dean felt vindicated that he’d grown up in some kind of antiquated, highly religious community.

“Yeah, right. You know you’d never fire me. So, was she hot?”

“I’m not thinkin’ about a date, okay?”

“Yeah, would’ve surprised me anyway. You’re more the one night stand kind of guy, huh?”

Dean sighed exaggeratedly and turned his attention back to the motor, ignoring Jo’s attempts to get some answers and she finally gave up – for now.

***

He had just started installing one of the parts he’d gotten from a retailer specialised on replacement parts for classic cars on his trip when Bobby called, “Dean, come over for a sec, would ya?”

“I’m a little busy right now,” Dean called back, “can’t it wait?”

“Don’t think so, boy. Guy says it’s urgent.”

Letting out a frustrated snort Dean grumbled something about “stupid customers always thinking they gotta interrupt”, wiped his hands on an already dirty rag and headed towards the office in the front. When he reached Bobby he forced a smile.

“What can I do f- Cas?” He looked at the boy with irritation.

“You know this kid?” Bobby asked, arching a brow.

“Uh, yeah. It’ll just be a moment.”

With a last suspicious look towards Castiel Bobby shrugged and sauntered away.

“What are you doing here?”

Looking up at Dean before glancing around the shop Castiel answered, “You said I should call if there’s an emergency. I thought uttering this number would be enough but you didn’t come, so I called it out loud and you still did not appear so I thought I would come by your workplace.”

“You did what? The hell are you talking about?!” Dean didn’t understand a word.

“Hell has nothing to do with this. And as I said, it was-”

“An emergency, right. So, what’s the emergency? Somebody tried to break in? You set fire to something?”

“No, no such thing happened.” Castiel paused for a moment and met Dean’s eyes again. “I’m having an existential crisis.”


	4. Chapter 4

“You’re having an existential crisis?” Dean tried not to sound impatient and annoyed. “Okay, y’know, I get that you’re in a pretty fucked up situation at the moment but don’t you think you’re exaggerating a little?”

Castiel’s voice was firm and serious when he answered. “Absolutely not.”

“Great, uh, I don’t wanna be rude but as you can see, I’m working. Can you wait a bit? I should be done in half an hour then I can clock out early.” Bobby wouldn’t be too happy but Cas really seemed upset.

“But…”

“Listen, I can’t just leave right now. It’s my job, Cas, and it’s important. We’ll talk later, okay?”

“Fine. My entire existence is ruined and my life is pointless but I will wait.”

Dean looked after the boy as he turned around and headed towards the street, not sure where this had come from. “Weird kid”, he mumbled and went back to work.

“Who was that?” Of course Jo had to poke her nose into everything. It wasn’t like Dean wasn’t used to it but right now he was really annoyed by her curiousness. He still didn’t know what to do about Castiel, it felt wrong to tell him to leave but the whole weekend had just been awkward and if he was being honest he didn’t even know why the hell he’d offered him to stay in his flat in the first place.

“Nobody,” he muttered and went back to the Ford.

“Didn’t look like nobody.”

“Yeah, why’s that kid lookin’ for ya during work hours?” Bobby who’d just come back from the office asked. “Looks kinda strange, too, in his suit ‘n coat ‘n all. He an insurance intern or somethin’?”

That was a pretty good question. Dean shrugged and gave no answer. Since he had taken Castiel in he’d never seen him take off the suit or tie, much less the ever-present trenchcoat. Every time Dean had come into the living room in the morning or gotten back from grocery shopping Cas was still wearing his whole outfit and Dean’s attempts to get him to at least take off the coat had been fruitless so far. But this wasn’t the strangest thing about the guy by far: he didn’t drink, didn’t eat, didn’t shower or sleep – or at least not when Dean was around, and there was no sign of Cas doing any of those things while Dean was gone or asleep.

He just couldn’t figure him out and slowly but surely Castiel started to really freak him out.

***

Nearly an hour later Dean finally unlocked to door to his apartment and had to bite back a curse when Cas appeared right in front of him, practically out of nowhere.

“Took a little longer than I thought and I had to convince Bobby to let me go early so this better be important,” he grumbled. Before Castiel could say anything he added, “It can wait five more minutes, right? I really need a shower.” Without waiting for an answer he toed off his boots, went into the bathroom, closed the door and wrestled out of his sweaty, greasy clothes.

If he was being honest with himself he wasn’t ready for this, didn’t want to have to deal with some else’s problems as well as his own. He stepped under the shower and groaned quietly as the hot water washed over him. 

It took a while until he’d washed all the grease and motor oil from his body and he would have stayed under the hot spray even longer if a sudden cold air draught wouldn’t have made him shiver and caused him to wipe the water from his eyes. When he looked through the fogged glass he flinched and hectically covered himself with his hands.

“Jesus fucking… Cas, get out!”

“But five minutes are over…” Castiel protested weakly.

“Dude, I’m in the shower! Naked! We’re not talking when I’m like this so get out!”

“I really do not understand why this is more important than my problems. First your work and now this. You really need to learn to see the bigger picture, Dean. I know that humans are rather selfish but this situation is very grave and I think I have the right to think about myself for once.”

Dean just gaped at him. This guy really was incredible. And right now definitely not in the good way.

Eventually he found his voice again and growled, “Out. Now. I’ll be there in a minute.”

When Cas finally left the steamy bathroom Dean cursed quietly, turned off the water and grabbed his towel. His face was burning and he took a deep breath before he towelled himself and quickly put on clean boxers and a pair of jeans. He really had to talk to his landlord about that missing bathroom key again.

After quickly running the towel through his hair he opened the door and found Cas standing at the window, staring outside. As soon as he took a step out of the bathroom Castiel turned around and looked at him.

“I sense awkwardness,” he stated matter-of-factly.

“Do tell,” Dean grumbled and grabbed a T-shirt from his tiny bedroom. “I don’t know about you but where I come from people don’t just walk in on people who’re taking a shower, y’know. Don’t do it again, capiche?”

“Yes, I capiche. My apologies.”

“Alright, uh, you hungry or something?” Okay, he really didn’t want to hear whatever Cas felt like he had to share with him. His own family really was messed up enough.

“No.” Castiel walked over to the sofa and took a seat, his eyes never leaving Dean’s. “Dean, how do you live like this?”

“What? I don’t think this apartment really is that ba-“

“That is not what I meant. How do you live knowing everything you do is pointless and you will inevitably die and probably not be remembered in only a few decades?”

“Whoa, okay. You really meant that ‘existential crisis’ thing literally.” Dean leaned against the wall opposite the couch and crossed his arms.

“Yes. I don’t know what I should do. How do you deal with all that?” Damn, Cas really was overdramatic.

“Guess I’m trying not to think about it too hard. It’s not like I can change much of it anyway.” 

Seemingly considering Dean’s words Castiel tilted his head and went quiet for a few moments. “But I cannot stop thinking how senseless this is. Never in my entire existence I have felt this… redundant and purposeless.”

“C’mon, it can’t be that bad. I mean you’ll find something else, family isn’t necessarily everything and you’re only-”

“I have never felt like this in my existence, Dean.” He emphasised, wringing his hands and looking down at them. “I think it scares me. Nobody wants to see me anymore and everyone hates me.”

Taking a deep breath Dean crossed the distance between them and sat down next to the boy. “I don’t hate you. And you’ll find other people. Maybe you could talk to your family after some time has passed, y’know, give them a couple of weeks.”

“They will not talk to me this fast. It would take millennia if they ever forgive me.”

“Don’t you think you’re exaggerating a little?” Dean fought back the urge to roll his eyes.

“No. Once Michael was angry at Gabriel and they didn’t talk in nearly fourty-eight thousand years. And I was the one who had to arbitrate between them the entire time.”

“Yeah, right,” Dean mocked. “How old would that make you?”

Cas looked up from his hands and met Dean’s gaze. “I don’t see how this is relevant.”

“All I’m saying is, maybe you’re worrying too much. No one can be mad at others that long. They’d be dead by now.”

“It was several million years ago.”

An annoyed expression on his face Dean grumbled, “Okay, now you’re fucking with me.”

“Why would you think we’re having intercou-?” Castiel seemed honestly confused and a little offended.

“It’s just a phrase. Jesus, don’t take everything so literal. It means you’re making fun of me.”

Cas squinted at him. “I would never do that.”

“You just said someone in your family held a grudge for a fucking long time a couple million years ago. C’mon, really, how old would that make you?”

With the most serious expression Dean had ever seen on him Castiel answered, “In fact, several billion earth years.”


	5. Chapter 5

Dean rolled his eyes, gave a short sigh and got up. “Alright, I’m out.”

“But…”

“I don’t wanna hear it. Whatever happened between you and your family, I’m sure it’s not the end of the world. We can talk again when you can take things seriously.” He grabbed his leather jacket. “I’m starving. You sure you’re not hungry?”

With a bleak look on his face Cas nodded and stared down at his hands again. “I am sure. And I really did not mean to offend you in any way,” he said quietly.

“Yeah, whatever. I’ll be back in a few hours, ‘kay?” Dean really needed some time alone, a beer – or probably something stronger – and a good bacon cheese burger.

Hopefully he could figure out a way to tell Cas to leave without looking like a complete asshole. He didn’t want to get in trouble for letting him stay at his place, even if Castiel really was 19 like he’d said that first night. Maybe he’d find out where his family lived and could give them a call to let them know where their son was.

So far Castiel had refused to tell Dean what had led to his family kicking him out but slowly Dean wasn’t even sure anymore if that was actually the truth.

Anyhow, for the next few hours he just wanted to forget about everything. He’d considered calling his friend Benny but didn’t feel like talking either so once he arrived at his favourite bar he settled on a stool and ordered his usual. Glancing around the dimly lit room he didn’t notice any pretty girls, it was probably still too early. Maybe later.

He’d just started devouring his burger when someone sat down next to him. Dean barely payed him any attention, just noticed the guy ordering a whiskey from the corner of his eye. They sat in silence for a while, each man engrossed in thought and absentmindedly listening to the quiet classic rock playing over the speakers until the guy ordered another whiskey and turned to Dean.

“Hey there.”

For a moment Dean wasn’t sure if the guy was really talking to him but they were the only people at the bar. He nodded at the man and swallowed the last remains of his burger before answering, “Hi.”

“Don’t wanna be nosy or anything but you look like something’s bothering you.”

“What gives you that idea?” Dean asked with a sarcastic smirk.

The guy shrugged. “You’re clearly brooding over something is all I’m saying.”

“That obvious?”

“I guess.” Another shrug, then the man smiled. “You want a drink?”

“Y’know, I still…”

“No excuses, I definitely need another one, had a couple rough days, and you sure look like you could do with a whiskey yourself.” He waved the bartender and ordered two drinks.

“Guess you’re right.” Dean gave the stranger a closer look while the bartender filled two glasses. He was a few years older and a couple of inches smaller than Dean with light brown eyes, brown hair and stubble on his cheeks. Definitely not Dean’s type but hey, if the guy wanted to buy him a drink he wouldn’t object.

The bartender set the glasses in front of them and the man raised his one to Dean who gave a faint smile and took a sip. The whiskey burned down his throat and warmed his stomach.

“So, you from around here?” he asked to end the awkward silence. “Don’t think I’ve ever seen you in here.”

“Nah, I’m from Tennessee. Just got some business to take care of here,” the man answered, watching Dean over the edge of his glass.

Figuring that chatting with a stranger was still better than thinking about his current situation Dean asked, “What do ya do for a living?”

“Oh, I’m here for personal reasons, work in production.”

“What kind of production?”

The guy emptied his glass and pulled something out of his pocket, offering it to Dean with a grin. “Sweets.”

“You’re not gonna drug me, are ya?” Dean mocked, taking the candy and unwrapping it.

“I’d find other ways. And you’re not a small kid, are ya?” A brief smirk appeared on the man’s face but it disappeared quickly.

Sucking on the candy Dean noted, “Don’t look too happy ‘bout those ‘personal reasons’, though.”

“Ah, family stuff, y’know. What about you?”

“Private reasons too, I guess.”

“Let’s drink a toast to that.” He ordered two shots.

“Huh?” Dean accepted the drink a little irritated.

“To crappy situations and drinking to forget about them.”

Dean shook his head with a grin as they clinked glasses.

***

“There’s this boy, y’know,” Dean slurred some time later.

“You into him?” The guy – Dean still didn’t know his name, had completely forgotten to ask – nudged him and grinned. 

“Nah, he’s just kinda living with me at the moment.”

“Alright, you gotta explain that.”

They’d moved over to a dark booth a while ago and the stranger leaned closer over the table as if he didn’t want to miss a single word Dean said.

“I picked him up in the middle of the night and-“

“Wait, is he a hooker or something?” The guy raised a brow as he nipped at his umpteenth whiskey. He definitely had an insanely high tolerance for alcohol, Dean had always thought he could drink much but this guy… he seemed just as sober as at the beginning of the night.

“No!” Dean exclaimed, then thought about it. “Well, actually, I don’t know… Don’t think so though. He’s too… dunno, innocent or something. Pretty clueless. ‘n kinda weird.”

“How so?” Candy Guy, as Dean’s alcohol-numbed mind had dubbed him, raised a brow.

“Doesn’t know shit about modern life. Nearly burned his fingers in the toaster, doesn’t know how a TV works, walked in on me in the shower without gettin’ why I was pissed, stuff like that.”

The guy laughed, shaking his head. “You’re kidding, right?”

“Nope. Not at all.” Dean smiled at the waitress who brought the next round and looked after her when she headed back to the bar.

“So that’s the problem with him?” The question drew Dean’s attention back to the man.

“Yeah, I guess. He’s just a strange kid. And he kinda freaks me out.”

“Why?”

“He doesn’t do anything normal, y’know, like eat or sleep. Least not when I’m home.”

“Maybe he doesn’t feel comfortable doing it when you’re around and does it when you’re at work?” Candy Guy offered.

“Who knows…” Dean mumbled. “I just dunno what to do about him.”

“He tell you what he does, where he’s from, that kinda stuff?”

Dean shook his head in response and glanced towards the bar, checking out the waitress again. She was new and pretty cute but there was no way he could take her home with him. Not with Castiel still in his apartment.

Candy Guy laid a hand on Dean’s shoulder and leaned closer. “Wanna hear my opinion?”

With a shrug Dean looked back at him, gaze slightly unfocused. “Why the hell not.”

“I think you should let him stay for a bit. As long as he doesn’t mess things up I don’t see the problem. Sure, he sounds a little…peculiar but I bet there’s more to him. Take some time and try to figure him out.”

Dean wasn’t sure he liked this suggestion. “Dude’s having an existential crisis, you suggest I just ignore that?”

“You could help him find a purpose. Or at least a job or something, then he could pay rent.”

“Dunno if I want him to stay longer,” Dean murmured.

“Just sleep about it, man. I gotta go now, good luck with that weirdo.” The stranger patted him on the back and got up. “See you around,” he said with a grin, headed to the bar to pay for their drinks and left.

Dean stared at the half empty glass in his hands. Instead of forgetting about Castiel he’d discussed the situation with a complete stranger whose name he didn’t even know and now he felt even worse about just kicking the boy out. Maybe Candy Guy was right and Cas deserved another chance, after all he had nothing – and nobody.

With a sigh of frustration Dean looked at his watch. It was probably time to go back, he didn’t want Castiel to be too worried.

Wait, what was he even thinking? He was definitely more drunk than he’d intended to get tonight.

No way to change that now, though. He got up, swaying a little, and made his way out of the bar. A few minutes later he reached his apartment building and struggled to get the key into the lock. He cursed and gave it another try, leaning forward to see better.

Suddenly the door swung open and Dean stumbled right into Castiel, knocking him down.

“Whoops.” He chuckled, more amused than annoyed, staring down at the boy beneath him. If Dean was honest with himself he wouldn’t mind staying like this a little longer, he was just way too tired to get up. “You’re comfy.”


	6. Chapter 6

Cas squinted at Dean for a moment. “I don’t think on top of me is the best place to fall asleep and to sleep it off.”

Grumbling something Dean rolled off of Castiel. Once on the floor he didn’t move, just stared at the ceiling, too lazy and drunk to even attempt to get up. “You’re weird,” he mumbled and turned his head to look at Cas.

“And you had too much to drink. You should go to bed.”

“Don’t wanna…”

“Dean, would you stop this behaviour and go to bed?” The boy sat up and looked at him with annoyance.

A mischievous grin appeared on Dean’s face. “Nope.”

Castiel leaned forward, grabbed Dean’s shoulders and hauled him up. “Then I will bring you into your bedroom. You need your four hours of sleep, remember?”

“Screw you,” Dean grumbled but didn’t fight back.

“I don’t think that would work,” Cas replied seriously.

“Man, you’re really wei… weird as hell. But I guess Candy Guy was right, can’t just kick you out… After all you ain’t got no one to go to,” Dean babbled more to himself as Castiel brought him into a standing position.

The boy froze. “Who was right?” he asked, incredibly blue eyes staring at Dean.

“Guy I met at the bar… Can we go t’ bed now? Don’t wanna stand here…”

“What was his name?”

Dean looked at him in confusion, swaying a little at Cas’s side. “What? Who?”

“The man you met, do you know his name?”

“Nah, didn’t ask an’ he didn’t say anythin’…”

“What did he look like? What did he say?”

“Dunno. Pleeease, Cas, bed?” Dean nearly whined. He was propped against Castiel and had a hard time not losing his balance and falling to the ground. “Can we talk ‘bout that t’morrow?”

“I need to know what he looked like!” Castiel could barely contain his frustration.

“Uh… brown eyes, longish brown hair, stubble…”

If possible Castiel’s eyes grew even bigger. “Gabriel,” he whispered.

“Huh?” Looking at him in confusion Dean nearly slid to the ground when Cas’s grip around his waist loosened for a second.

“Can you tell me anything else?”

“T’morrow. Bed. Now.”

They took two steps towards the bedroom before Cas stopped again. “Where is that bar?”

“On 17th Street.” Why the hell was that important now? All Dean cared about was getting some shut-eye.

Realising that questioning him now was pointless Cas picked Dean up without hesitation and carried him into the bedroom. He gently lowered him down on the bed – nearly as if he was something breakable, Dean noted and giggled quietly –, then pulled off his boots while Dean gaped at him with glazed eyes.

“Whoa. You’re strong.”

“Sleep now.”

“But how did you…”

“Shh.” Castiel leaned forward and pressed his fingertips to Dean’s forehead. At the next moment Dean was fast asleep and Cas left the bedroom, knowing that Dean would be mad if he knew Cas had stayed and watched over him. It wouldn’t be the first time but Dean didn’t have to know that.

It was ludicrous, really, how he still felt like he could protect humans, take care of humanity when most of his powers were gone and he was nothing but a confused, scared and lonely creature in a completely unknown world. Well, he wasn’t entirely alone but this human that had taken him in just didn’t trust him, thought of him as “weird” and Cas had no idea how he could earn his trust.

He had never been to earth, never seen a single human up close, only watched them now and again over the millennia from heaven. Humans fascinated him but yet they were so full of themselves, so convinced they were better than anything else that he couldn’t help but wonder when they would ultimately bring about their own end.

Castiel just wanted to go back to heaven, to make it right and get the other angels to forgive him and take him back. But that wouldn’t happen.

What he didn’t understand was why Gabriel was on earth as well. He was sure it must have been his older brother talking to Dean, it was the only thing that made sense – but what was he doing here? Looking out for Cas? That would only cause him to get in trouble, too.

On the other hand Castiel shouldn’t be surprised. He knew the archangel had a soft spot for him and in all honesty he also was Cas’s favourite sibling. And that was why he needed to stop him. Cas could look out for himself, after all. Or at least he would learn to take care of himself on earth and blend in as much as possible.

He just hoped Dean wouldn’t tell him he had to leave, that would just complicate his situation even more and he’d be all alone again.

***

When Dean woke up he was surprised to realise that he was not hungover, contrary to expectations and considering the huge amount of whiskey he’d drunk the night before. Howsoever he didn’t think twice about it as he got up to get ready for work.

There was an odd silence in his apartment and when he opened the door to the adjacent living room Castiel was nowhere to be seen. Dean looked around the corner into the tiny kitchen space before checking the bathroom. It was empty.

“Cas?”

No answer. Where the hell had the kid gone?

Dean opened the apartment door and eyed the hallway but still there was no sign of Castiel. Thinking about the previous night he remembered the conversation with Candy Guy and how he’d gotten home. In hindsight Cas had seemed pretty upset over Dean telling him about that guy from the bar; maybe they knew each other. Anyway, if the boy really had left he wasn’t Dean’s problem anymore. Right?

With a shrug Dean went to perform his morning routine and left his apartment twenty minutes later. At least he wouldn’t be late for work again.

Still he just couldn’t stop his thoughts from trailing back to the boy. Even telling himself that Castiel was old enough to look after himself didn’t really help, there was just something about him that generated Dean’s protective instinct, and no matter how many times he scolded himself for not focusing on work he couldn’t help worrying. Of course his co-workers noticed his state of distraction and tried to get anything from him but Dean didn’t answer their questions. After seemingly endless hours of working and interrogations he could finally leave and found himself wondering if Cas had showed up again but when he got home there was no sign Castiel had been at the apartment. He probably knew the guy from the bar after all and had stayed with him. Nonetheless Dean was pissed that he’d just left without a word.

Determined to let it go and forget about the strange kid Dean took a quick shower before slumping into his armchair and switching on the TV but even his favourite show couldn’t keep him distracted.

“Dammit, you barely knew that guy so what’s the deal?” he mumbled to himself.

Eventually he grabbed his laptop, opened Google and started his search. Most of the results were entries about angels, a couple of websites about white magic and a few social media accounts. Dean clicked on the latter and looked through them, unconsciously muttering “Castiel…” again and again as he clicked through the accounts.

“Hello Dean.”

At the sound of that voice Dean flinched, nearly let his laptop crash on the ground and just caught it in the last moment as a strangled shout escaped him. He whirled around in his seat and stared at Cas. “Fucking hell! You nearly gave me a heart attack!”

“I don’t believe this is quite true. It takes more to get a heart attack,” Castiel replied dryly.

“How the fuck did you get in here?! And where’ve you been the whole day?”

“That does not concern you.”

“Wha-? Alright, fine.” Taking a deep breath Dean tried to calm down. If Cas didn’t want to tell him where he’d been, whatever, but there was something he really didn’t get. Standing up from his armchair he eyed Cas and growled, “Dude, I literally locked the fucking door so how did you get in?”

For the very first time Dean was sure he knew what the boy was thinking. He crossed his arms and towered over Castiel. “I’m waiting.”

Cas swallowed, eyes darting across the room for a moment before meeting Dean’s again. “I, uh…”

“You what?”

“I… broke in?” Castiel’s answer sounded insecure, almost scared.

Dean snorted, he didn’t believe it for a single second. “You broke in? How? Pretty sure I would have heard that.”

“You were really engrossed in this… glowing thing.”

“That’s a laptop, and you didn’t break in.” When Dean took a step towards the boy retreated. Dean took a second step and then another one until he’d backed Castiel up against the wall, staring down at him the entire time. “Why don’t you come out with the truth for once, huh?”


	7. Chapter 7

“Technically entering a property without the owner’s permission is referred to as breaking in…” Castiel ignored Dean’s demand and tried to seem confident but in all honesty this guy towering over him unsettled Cas.

What a strange thought – Castiel, angel of the Lord, unsettled by a simple human.

Still he couldn’t do anything about it. He did not want to hurt Dean and didn’t want to shove him away because he still didn’t know the full extent of his powers here on earth so he just looked up into those beautiful green eyes.

Castiel knew that humans tended to say the eyes were the window to the soul; that wasn’t quite true. The apparent part of soul was a faint glow surrounding most people, visible only to Castiel’s kind, but a few, few humans had more than this glow, they were shining brightly from within. The angel had been amazed when he had first laid eyes on such a human several millennia ago and just looking at Dean made him marvel at God’s creation yet again. His soul was one of the brightest and most beautiful ones he’d ever seen. It also made him miss heaven even more, made him painfully aware that he’d never see God and his brothers and sisters again.

He had also noticed the weak gloomy edge to Dean’s glow. Maybe he’d ask the human about it one day – given that Dean would tolerate Cas around him any longer –, he’d never seen anything like this.

“You know damn well what I’m talking about so stop being a smartass and tell me how the hell you got in here.” Dean lowered his voice to a quiet growl and leaned a few inches closer, glaring at Cas. “How’d you do that?”

Averting his eyes nervously, Castiel stammered, “I-I can’t… I’m not allowed to… I mean I… I’m not supposed t-to…” He couldn’t recall ever feeling this anxious – apart from when he’d been cast out, of course, but that had been even worse.

“You’re not supposed to what, huh?” Hands settling on the wall on either side of Castiel’s head Dean narrowed his eyes and cornered him even more. “Who are you really, Cas?”

Eventually Cas worked up the nerve to look into Dean’s eyes again. He swallowed dryly before licking his lips and asking in a thin voice, “Are you going to make me leave?”

“No, well, I mean… it depends, I guess,” Dean replied with surprise. The boy just looked so young, innocent and scared staring up at him with those big blue eyes and Dean couldn’t help but feel a little bad for him. Okay, more than a little. But he still needed to know…something, more than this nothing Castiel had given him so far. With a sigh he leaned back a little, giving Cas some space, but continued to give him a stern look. “So, what’s your story?”

Castiel hesitated for a long time, mentally debating whether or not to tell this human the truth. Dean fascinated him and Cas needed to earn his trust. After all, he would spend a very, very long time on earth and needed someone to help him understand human life, the sooner the better.

Trying to talk to Gabriel, the only angelic help he could have hoped for, had been pointless, his brother was untraceable and had disappeared off the face of the earth – presumably literally. On the other hand it was probably better for both of them, this way Gabriel wouldn’t get into trouble and Cas wouldn’t have to blame himself for that as well. He was entirely dependent on humans to teach him if he wanted to stay in the ‘civilised’ parts of the earth and be around people. He’d always liked humans and knew that centuries or even millennia without any interaction at all would be dull, unsatisfying and cheerless. Sure, Castiel liked animals, he loved watching bees and had even talked to a cat once, a long time ago, but he didn’t know if he could stand being with only animals as company.

Finally he made a decision. “My name is Castiel, I am an angel of the Lord and I was cast out of heaven.” His voice was quiet but firm as he spoke and he looked at Dean the whole time, trying to figure out what he was thinking.

Dean blinked once, twice, then abruptly moved away and turned his back to Cas, shaking his head as he walked away.

“You can never take anything seriously, can you?” he asked over his shoulder.

“I am a rather serious angel, even though I do occasionally tell jokes,” Castiel replied earnestly.

“Dude, just… I’ve had enough of this, okay? Listen, I’m sorry ‘bout whatever happened to you but I’m getting tired of this.”

For a moment Cas wasn’t sure what Dean meant before realisation hit him. “You don’t believe me,” he stated.

“Hell no. You’re being ridiculous and as I said, I’m tired of it. To be honest, I’m done.” With that Dean slumped down in his armchair again, glancing at Castiel with a look of annoyance on is face before turning his attention back to the quiet TV.

After another moment of hesitation Cas declared, “I can prove it.”

“Huh? Prove what?”

“That I am an angel.”

Rolling his eyes Dean snorted and stared blankly back at the screen. “Yeah, right.” His mind wasn’t focused on the movie, though, instead he wondered if he could kick Cas out now or if he should at least wait until it was day again. He was completely lost in thought and didn’t even notice what the boy a few feet away from him was doing.

Only when Castiel unceremoniously dropped his trenchcoat and suit jacket on the floor and started unbuttoning his dress shirt Dean looked over at him in confusion. His eyes widened slightly when he realised that Cas was about to get undressed in the middle of his living room.

“The hell you think you’re doing?!” Was this naïve, innocent looking kid a hooker after all, like Candy Guy had assumed? Or did he just think that he could change Dean’s mind with sex? He was about to get up and stop Castiel but the look of grim determination on the boy’s face, how he looked at Dean with those incredibly blue eyes that seemed even deeper than usual and somehow cold, stopped him and made him stay where he was.

“I am proving it to you.” With that he pulled his tie over his head and took off the white shirt, dropping them to the floor as well.

Dean’s eyes left Castiel’s face only for a fleeting second before he scolded himself for looking at Cas like this. The kid was off-limits. He shouldn’t even be thinking about this.

A strange whooshing sound interrupted Dean’s thoughts and he looked around in confusion. “What was that?”

Cas crossed the distance between them and gently touched Dean’s forehead with the tips of his fingers. Dean’s eyes grew even bigger and he gaped at Castiel, suddenly unable to form a single coherent sentence. “Wha…? How…? The fuck…?”

“I told you I am an angel. Do you believe me now?”

“But… Angel’s aren’t… You’re not… Why are they…?”

“Angels are real, Dean,” Cas said calmly. “And those are real wings.” As if to prove it he turned around and let Dean stare at them for several seconds as he slowly stretched them out.

“Fucking hell…” Dean eventually whispered.

Cringing, Castiel asked quietly, “Would you stop referring to hell again and again? The situation is bad enough as it is and your swearing makes me uncomfortable.”

“Shit, uh, I mean, sorry…” Eyes still wide Dean just couldn’t stop staring at Cas’s wings, even when he turned to face him again. “They’re so…”

“Black?” Castiel asked sadly.

“I was gonna say tiny,” Dean admitted sheepishly. He was completely overwhelmed.


	8. Chapter 8

“My wings are not ‘tiny’.” Dean’s remark seemed to offend Cas and Dean immediately backtracked.

“Uh, course not, I mean, um, I just… kinda always imagined angels with huge wings, y’know… Not like, uh, this… I mean, how do you fly with those? They barely reach to your waist…” That probably wasn’t any better.

“They are the average size for an angel my age. And flying works just fine,” Cas replied huffily. “They are still growing and will be huge someday, in about two billion years.”

Dean just couldn’t stop staring at Cas. “So you… weren’t talking shit earlier?!” All of this was just crazy, it was unbelievable und still there was this guy right in front of him with real life wings – real life, black, small and fluffy looking wings. Totally nuts.

“I don’t see how I cou-“

“No, sorry, forget it, what I wanted to say was you weren’t joking when you said you’re, like, super old?”

“I told you, I usually am a rather serious angel.”

Dean still couldn’t believe it. There was a fricking angel in the middle of his living room. This had to be some weird-ass dream, he was expecting to wake up any moment and shake his head about the crap his sleeping mind had produced.

“So, uh… What else exists?”

Castiel tilted his head. “What do you mean?”

“I mean if– since angels are real, which other, uh…” Dean hesitated, looking for the right word, “…creatures do exist?”

“Archangels exist, you actually met one already, and God, of course.”

Shaking his head in disbelief Dean mumbled, “Of course…” Only then it hit him. “Wait, I what?!”

“Pardon?” This human constantly confused Cas. He definitely had a lot to learn about human behaviour.

“You just said I met an archangel.”

“Oh, yes, indeed. The man you met in that bar, that was my brother, Gabriel.”

“Gabriel as in the guy who put Lucifer in hell and told Mary she was pregnant?! Okay, now you’re fucking with me. That guy wasn’t the archangel from the Bible.”

Fucking with him. Cas knew that expression by now. What he didn’t understand what why Dean was always assuming he was making jokes when he’d told him repeatedly he was serious most of the time. And he certainly would not joke about such a thing. Still he forced himself to sound patient, this human just didn’t know better. “Yes, it was him. Why is that so hard to believe?” He really didn’t understand Dean.

“That dude’s the archangel Gabriel?! Sorry but I definitely imagined him differently. Not like such a weirdo – no offense.”

“It seems like we don’t meet your expectations,” Castiel stated baldly.

“Yeah, uh, not really… Not that that’s a bad thing, I guess.” Dean smiled sheepishly. “Oh, hey, is the devil real, too?”

“Yes, Lucifer is real but we prefer not to call him devil. He is still an angel, albeit a fallen one.”

“So no red-skinned guy with horns, hooves and a tail?”

“Why would you think he looks like that?” Humans definitely were even stranger than he’d thought.

“Dunno, there’s just this mental picture most people have of him,” he mumbled with a shrug. Now that he thought about it it was really a stupid association. But there was something else Dean wanted to know, he just wasn’t sure how to bring it up. Actually, there was a lot he wanted to know but one question kept nagging at him, especially since one of Castiel’s earlier statements. Eventually he started, “Is it, um… normal for angels to be on earth?”

The question seemed to strike a nerve. Cas immediately looked away, wrapping his arms around his torso, and the sadness was apparent on his face.

“What did really happen to you?” Dean asked softly, looking at the angel with sympathy.

“Are you going to make me leave?” Castiel’s voice was nearly inaudible when he asked this question for the second time that night.

“Do you… want to stay?” That thought surprised Dean. But he had a feeling that Cas didn’t really have any alternatives.

The only answer he got was a faint, shy nod, Cas still wasn’t looking at him.

“Okay, uh… Do you want a cup of tea or something?” Goddammit, Winchester, don’t be such a moron, he mentally scolded himself. Tea won’t calm an angel down, doesn’t even work with humans most of the time. “I mean, just, um, sit down, okay? And put your clothes back on, would you?”

With a nod Castiel reached for his shirt. “I think I would like to try some tea,” he said quietly.

Dean looked at him with surprise. The boy – no, the angel – had declined every offer of food or beverages so far. “Really?”

“Yes, if it isn’t too much trouble.”

“Nah, not at all. I’ll be right back.” Smiling at him reassuringly Dean got up and headed to the small kitchen space.

A fricking angel. In his apartment. He had so many questions, so much he wanted to know – about angels in general, God, Lucifer, possible other supernatural beings, and of course about Castiel himself. But first he needed to find out why Castiel was on earth, what he’d done to end up in the middle of that Highway and what he was planning to do now.

Two minutes later he came back and handed Cas a steaming mug. He winced slightly when his fingers brushed over Castiel’s, not sure if he should even be touching him, but Cas just smiled at him faintly and accepted the tea without saying anything.

Dean sat down on his sofa, leaning against the backrest and trying to look relaxed instead of somewhat freaked out and overwhelmed. “Why don’t you sit down, huh?” he asked.

He didn’t expect Cas to take a seat right next to him with only a few inches between them but hey, the guy probably just didn’t know better. After squirming a little for a moment and trying to get a bit more space between them Dean sighed quietly and met Cas’s eyes. “So what’s your story, Cas? What happened to you?”


	9. Chapter 9

Fingers clutching the steaming cup of tea, Castiel stared blankly at the ground. The silence lasted for several minutes. Dean didn’t want to push him again so he just waited for the angel to say something, giving him time to collect his thoughts.

Finally Cas started, voice quiet and trembling slightly. “They cast me out. I… I did something I should not have done and now I have to bear the consequences.”

“So you can never go back?” Dean just couldn’t stop himself from asking.

A minimal nod was the only answer.

“No seeing the other angels again?”

Castiel shook his head.

“What about God?”

Another head-shaking.

“And why was Gabriel here?” Dean asked softly. It didn’t look like Cas wanted to tell him what exactly he’d done and for now Dean would just have to accept that.

“I don’t know. I couldn’t find him but I’m sure that’s best…” The sadness on Cas’s face was almost graspable. “What did he tell you when you met him? What did you talk about?”

Thinking about that question for a while, Dean had to admit that most of that night was a blur thanks to all the whiskey he’d drunk with Cand- with Gabriel, the archangel. He still couldn’t quite wrap his mind around that.

“He asked about you,” Dean eventually said, “wanted to know what I knew about you. I think he wanted me to… take care of you.” Now that he recapitulated the conversation it seemed all clear and logical. The only question was: How the fuck was he supposed to take care of an angel?!

“He’s always been worried about me, ever since we were young,” Cas said with a faint smile. “Gabriel always looked after me. And now he still tries to do it. I hope that this won’t cause him any trouble.”

Dean smiled back. “He seems like a great big brother. Believe me, I should know.” 

Looking up from his tea Cas asked, “Do you have any siblings?”

“Yeah, a little brother. Well, he’s not so little anymore, but four years younger. How many siblings do you have?”

“A few thousand.”

“Well that’s, uh, a lot…”

With an absentminded nod Castiel took a sip of his now lukewarm tea, grimacing before swallowing it with a look of disgust on his face. 

“Not good?” Dean asked.

“It tastes like molecules.” The angel leaned forward and set the cup on the coffee table. He seemed absentminded, entirely engrossed in thought – or rather memories, probably.

Dean watched him, torn between wishing he could help or at least make Castiel feel a little better, being completely overwhelmed and asking him to leave because this was all just bat-shit crazy and he definitely did not want to get stuck in some sort of ethereal conflict between heaven and this angel.

“Can I ask you one more thing?”

“What is it?”

“Your wings. Is it normal that they are-“

“Black?” Cas averted his eyes once again when Dean nodded. “No. They are supposed to be… They used to be white, like freshly fallen snow, and very beautiful. But when an angel falls they turn black to brand the fallen one forever, so everyone knows they are an abomination.”

“Hey.” The angel winced slightly when Dean gently nudged him in the side but it had the anticipated effect, he looked up at Dean. “I think they’re pretty damn cool, y’know. And beautiful, I guess,” he added, giving Castiel a sheepish smile.

“You think?” Cas asked insecurely.

“Definitely.”

Another awkward pause ensued, the silence heavy with unspoken words and unasked questions. Somehow Dean suddenly felt the urge to just talk to someone about all of this, he didn’t want to be alone with this knowledge – but who would believe him instead of declaring him insane or delusional? He still couldn’t quite believe it himself. And was he even allowed to share what he’d learned? He was just about to ask Castiel when the angel’s voice made him halt before he could utter a single word.

“How do humans deal with it?”

“Huh?”

“How do you deal with disasters and personal crises?” 

Had Castiel really just asked that question? Did he actually wanted human advice? Dean stared at him with a dumbfounded expression.

“Uh… We talk to other people. Being with people you care about and who understand you and show compassion can help. Just… interaction with others, maybe getting hugs ‘n stuff like that… At least that’s more or less the best option I guess. Of course there are people who just get drunk or do drugs but that’s pretty much the worst thing you can do.” Embitterment replaced the irritation on Dean’s face.

“But there is no one who understands me. And no one I care about or who cares about me.” The reality of this statement caused Cas to sniffle and blink away tears in his eyes.

Compassionately Dean laid a hand on Cas’s shoulder. “It’s gonna be okay, somehow… I’m sure there’s a solution.”

His bottom lip quivering, Castiel objected, “But I’m a fallen angel. There is no solution and it will never be alright again.”

“Just give those other angels a little time, a few… centuries, maybe,” Dean suggested, knowing that this probably wouldn’t change anything.

“Can I get a hug?” Cas asked quietly, wiping his nose with the sleeve of his coat, his wet eyes meeting Dean’s the colour of the heaven he’d just fallen from a few days prior – or maybe what he referred to as heaven was an entirely different place, Dean didn’t know. Perhaps he’d talk to Castiel about that one day. Only then he realised the angel was still waiting for an answer.

“Sorry, what?”

“A hug. You said humans hug others to make them feel better.”

All this innocence, this unknowingness and lack of understanding combined with those tear-filled eyes made Dean give in without a single argument. Only a quiet sigh indicated he wasn’t really happy with any of this but he didn’t say so as not to upset Castiel even more. “Fine.” As long as he wouldn’t start crying again…

Scooting closer, Cas leaned forward and uncertainly wrapped his arms around Dean’s waist. “Is this correct?”

“Yeah,” Dean said, hesitantly hugging the angel back. He was surprised how warm Cas was and that he felt something pulse against his chest – a heartbeat? Another thing he mentally added to his to-ask list.

After a few seconds Castiel relaxed a little and buried his face in Dean’s chest.

“Emotions on earth are so much more intense,” the angel noted, his voice muffled by the fabric of the human’s shirt.


	10. Chapter 10

That night Dean just couldn’t fall asleep. Tossing and turning for a seemingly endless period of time he kept thinking about what Cas had told him. The angel hadn’t said anything more specific as to what had occurred so that the other angels had cast him out and he didn’t want to think about what he should do now. The thought of staying on earth forever, having to fit in somehow and get used to human life seemed to overwhelm, perhaps even scare him.

Luckily he hadn’t cried, instead he’d let go of Dean after about half a minute and looked at him, asking if he was supposed to feel any different now and telling him that he didn’t, that this “hugging thing” appeared rather useless but that he enjoyed how Dean smelled anyhow. 

Dean would forever deny that he’d blushed a little and had quickly told Cas that he really needed to get some sleep before disappearing into the bathroom. When he’d noticed movement out of the corner of his eye he’d looked over at Castiel with a questioning expression, and uttered a “Wha?” around the toothbrush in his mouth.

“Will you let me stay?” Cas had asked softly, standing in the door looking all sad and lost so Dean just hadn’t been able to say no. After spitting out he’d grumbled, “Fine, yeah, you can stay for now, but we’ll think about another solution, got it? And now get out, I need to pee.”

Afterwards he’d quickly said good night and firmly closed the bedroom door behind him. Since then he had been lying in bed wide awake, trying to come to terms with everything he’d learned that evening. Another thought that kept nagging at him was what he was supposed to do now – or rather what Cas was supposed to do now.

That archangel probably had been right, Castiel needed some kind of purpose.

Telling himself he’d give thought to that at the weekend he finally fell asleep in the wee hours.

***

The next day he was unconcentrated at work, lost in thought and distracted. He desperately needed to share everything with someone but none of his co-workers wouldn’t believe him – and he didn’t want to talk to them anyway, not about something like this.

When he finally came home that night, exhausted and nearly two hours later than usual because he had to fix a mistake he’d made after work hours, Cas was already waiting for him.

“Did you have a nice-?”

“Don’t even ask,” Dean muttered and headed straight for the kitchen to get something to eat. He could feel Castiel’s eyes on him the entire time.

“Did I somehow upset you?” the question eventually came.

Shaking his head, Dean mumbled, “Nah, ‘s not you, not really. Just… crappy day and not enough sleep.”

“Do you want me to make you sleep? I wanted to ask you last night but since you prohibited me from entering your bedroom at night I didn’t. I could help you fall asleep very fast.”

“Not sure if this is an angel thing you’re talking about or whether you’re trying to flirt with me in a pretty weird way.”

By now Dean was sure he knew the angel well enough to know that he was tilting his head in confusion without looking at Cas. “That was not a flirtation.”

“Alright,” Dean said, munching his sandwich. “So ya still got angelic powers?”

“Some,” Castiel admitted quietly, “but not all of the ones I used to have.”

The doorbell rang before Dean could reply and Cas flinched slightly. “What was that?”

“Someone’s at the door.” Stuffing the remains of his sandwich into his mouth, Dean wiped his hands on his jeans and walked into the tiny hallway.

“But…” Cas trailed off when Dean hit the button to open the front door and only five seconds later someone was standing right outside the apartment. Dean smiled up at the guy – he was even taller than Dean, Castiel noted with astonishment – and the man pulled him into a brief hug.

“Good to see you, Dean.”

“You too. C’mon in.” Stepping aside Dean glanced at Cas who was staring at the guy who’d just noticed him as well.

With a surprised smile he put out his hand. “Oh, hi. Didn’t know Dean had a friend over. I’m Sam.”

Castiel looked from Sam’s face to his hand and back, not sure what he was expected to do, then looked over to Dean helplessly.

“Uh, Sammy, that’s-”

“Dean, can I talk to you?” Cas asked anxiously, his gaze not leaving Sam for a single second.

“Sam’s my brother, he’s a good guy, you don’t have to be afraid of him,” Dean assured the angel quietly.

“But you will not tell him, will you?” Castiel whispered, glancing over at Sam nervously.

“Won’t tell me what?”


	11. Chapter 11

When Castiel’s pleading eyes met Dean’s he shook his head before looking over at his brother. “Nothin’ important, Sammy.”

“So you called me and asked if I could come over because of ‘nothing important’?” A bitchface appeared on Sam’s face, accompanied by a don’t-try-to-kid-me-I’m-not-stupid look.

“No, I asked ‘cause I thought we could have a beer together. Y’know, you could tell me about your classes and all the boring stuff you do.” With a smirk Dean quickly grabbed two beers from the fridge, knowing Cas wouldn’t want one anyway. He handed one to Sam and sat down on the sofa, waiting for the two younger men – no, Cas definitely wasn’t younger, he just still tended to forget about that, nor was he a man in the common sense – to sit as well.

“Dean, what’s going on?” Sam asked, still standing and obviously trying to figure out why he was here and who on earth that stranger was.

“Nothing, really.” So much for sharing with Sam. Dean probably should have asked Castiel first, actually hadn’t done it because he’d been determined to tell Sam even if the angel didn’t want him to but he’d just looked so scared that Dean couldn’t do it. God damn that angel and his stupid, innocent looking eyes – not literally, of course. That had already happened, apparently.

Crossing his arms, Sam stated, “You never ask about my lectures or anything related to school.”

“Well, I’m asking now. Gotta know if I can be proud of my little brother. Sit down, c’mon.”

“No.” The younger Winchester shook his head.

“Sam, don’t be such a bitch.”

“Only if you tell me what’s going on.”

“Maybe I should lea-“ Castiel started but was interrupted by Dean.

“No, Cas, you’re staying,” he said forcefully.

Sam grabbed Dean’s arm and pulled him from the sofa. “You, me, hallway, now.”

“Wha-?”

Before Dean could protest, Sam had dragged him out the apartment door and a few feet down the hall.

“What’s going on, Dean? Why’d you call me? You said you needed to talk to me so what the hell? Who is that guy?”

“Forget it, Sammy. I had a terrible day, didn’t sleep well and overreacted. Just wanted to talk to you, y’know, blow off a little steam. Get drunk with you. But if you just keep bitching you can leave.”

“You didn’t answer my question.” Sam stared down at Dean, waiting for an answer.

“He’s… someone I met on my last trip north, okay? Jesus, you gonna stop it now?”

“So you meet someone, take them with you and what? I don’t believe a single word.”

“Yeah, well, it’s the truth.” Kind of.

“Yeah right. Sure.” Another bitchface. “Is he your boyfriend or something?”

Dean looked at his brother with confusion and bewilderment. “My what?! Why the hell would you think that?”

Pretending to think about it Sam eyed Dean appraisingly. “Oh, I don’t know, just the way you’re trying to hide something from me that clearly has something to do with him. Or the way he’s looking at you?”

“The way he’s what? C’mon, Sam, seriously.”

“So he’s not your boyfriend?”

“No! Plus do you really think I’d come out to you like ‘oh, hey, Sammy, why don’t you come over for a beer, oh and by the way, look, that’s my boyfriend ‘cause hey, surprise, I’m gay or bi or whatever’?! Really?”

“You sure ‘bout that?”

“Hell, I just told you!”

“Nothing else you wanna tell me?”

“Like what?”

“I don’t know, maybe something that has something to do with the way that guy’s looking at you like you’re some kind of miracle?”

“Dude, you’re imagining stuff. He’s just a friend, okay? Now do you want that beer or not?”

Sam raised a brow but didn’t say anything for a moment. “Alright, fine, whatever you say.” It didn’t sound very convinced but he followed Dean back into the apartment anyway, determined to get to the bottom of whoever this guy was.

Little did he know that his brother was still kind of trying to figure that out as well.

***

It was Friday afternoon and Dean was bending over the hood of a car yet again when Jo tapped him on the shoulder. “That cute but weird guy is here again and asking for you,” she informed him with a grin.

Dean looked over his shoulder at his co-worker. “Huh? Who’re you talking about?”

“Y’know, that boy with the pretty eyes and sex hair and the trenchcoat.” Rolling her eyes at him as if to say ‘How could you forget about him?’ she walked away.

What the hell was Cas doing here again? And cute? Sex hair? Really? He shook his head to dismiss the thought and wiped his hands on his overalls before walking to the front of the auto shop. He could already spot the angel from afar, eyeing the signs and pretending not to notice Rufus who was looking at him suspiciously.

“Hey, Cas, what’re you doing here?” Dean asked as he approached, giving Rufus a reassuring nod.

“You said we’d think about what I should do from now on at the weekend and since I was all alone and couldn’t think of anything yet I thought we could talk about it now.”

“Technically it’s not the weekend yet, man.”

Cas started to protest. “I’m not a –”

“Yeah, yeah, I know. I’ll be home around half past six, okay? Can you wait that long?”

“Yes, but…” Castiel hesitated.

“But what?”

“Can I stay here?”

Arching a brow, Dean asked, “Why would you want to do that?”

“I’d like to watch you.”

“Okay, that just sounded creepy. Why do you wanna stay here? It’s really not that interesting to watch, bet the TV is the better option.”

“Because I feel very lonely when you are not around.”


	12. Chapter 12

Heaving a quiet sigh, Dean nodded. “Alright, follow me.” When they’d reached the car he was working on he instructed the angel to sit down on a stack of tires. “You good over there?” he asked, meeting Cas’s gaze over the hood of the car.

Castiel nodded. “Now I know I’m not alone.” A small smile lit his face and Dean could swear this was the first time he’d seen Cas actually, truly smile. 

Dean felt another pair of eyes on him, Jo’s, but he chose to ignore her and got back to work. He definitely didn’t want to know what she was thinking right now and he sure as hell wouldn’t ask. Instead he quickly walked over to the radio and turned the music up so she wouldn’t come over and ask embarrassing questions – Dean knew her well enough and she just loved getting him in awkward situations, usually when there were cute or hot customers – female ones, of course – but the way she kept eyeing the two of them made him feel a little uneasy.

Trying to concentrate was a little easier for a while, he was so used to getting his hands dirty with grease and motor oil while listening to his favourite classic rock radio station but eventually he couldn’t help but notice Cas literally watching his every move.

Dean glanced over at him, giving him a quick smile before looking back at the engine in front of him. There was still so much he wanted to ask, so much more he wanted to know about heaven and angels and God and yes, Cas had been patient and answered a lot of his questions already, but Dean had realised he only talked hesitantly about everything related to the time prior to his fall. He didn’t seem to want to think about it too much.

However Dean had found out that Castiel was actually able to fly (‘Why do you think I would have wings otherwise? They are not just for decoration or to impress anyone.’ – ‘Yeah, but, uh, they’re still kinda small, aren’t they? I mean, how can they even carry you?’ – ‘It isn’t about the size, they work perfectly fine and the real power is in my grace – or angel mojo, as you would perhaps call it.’ – ‘Can you show me? How you fly, I mean.’ – ‘No.’ – ‘Oh, okay... That some kind of secret angel thing humans aren’t allowed to see?’ – ‘No, it is just impossible for me to fly inside of your tiny home.’ – ‘And I thought it isn’t about size…’), didn’t need to breathe and couldn’t get cold or sick, was able to survive pretty much anything (even though Dean was sure there was something he didn’t tell him) and could heal smaller wounds on every living creature. Apparently he’d had other powers as well but he wouldn’t talk about them, either.

The angel was learning a lot as well and making progress with human things; he’d understood that he was supposed to knock before entering a room, especially the bathroom, could handle the TV, didn’t flinch anymore when the doorbell rang and had even figured out how to use the telephone. 

Still Dean secretly enjoyed the occasions when Cas just didn’t understand certain things and had to stop himself from grinning like an idiot when he caught him sitting in front of the running washing machine, watching the laundry spin in fascination and moving his head unwittingly, reminding Dean of a small child or maybe a curious cat.

Perhaps Jo was right and the angel was kinda cute.

Okay, no, not cute. Just clueless. Good looking. Maybe. No big deal admitting that.

Hell, he really needed to concentrate on his task. Bobby hadn’t been that happy with his work the past couple days, unlike usually, and Dean wanted to prove that he could still do a great job, especially with working on the classics, even if he was a bit distracted – had to prove that mostly to himself because he just couldn’t stop all the questions haunting his brain and basically making him think about the angel 24/7. It was really getting out of hand.

Luckily he managed to finish his work on the car and didn’t have to put in overtime again so he left with Cas on time, declining Jo’s offer to have a beer and burgers.

Nevertheless that raised another question he wanted answered. “You know if you can get drunk?” Dean asked on the way to his apartment.

Castiel shrugged, a gesture he’d adopted from Dean. “I don’t know, I have never tried alcohol before.”

With a smirk Dean suggested, “Let’s give it a try.”

***

Bright, golden sunlight illuminated the small bedroom and made black wings shimmer, accentuating small dark blue streaks in the feathers here and there. Castiel’s wings looked even more beautiful and spectacular than the first time Dean had seen them in the dim light of his loving room and he just couldn’t stop staring.

The angel was lying on his stomach, face nuzzled in the crook of his elbow, eyes closed, wings spread slightly, covering a part of his back. He looked like he was asleep but Dean knew that couldn’t be the case.

He couldn’t remember how they’d gotten here, why Cas was half undressed and allowing Dean to see – or rather gape at – his wings, but for the moment he didn’t care. Instead he propped himself up on his elbows and marvelled at those amazing black wings for a while. Carefully he stretched out his hand and just as his fingertips touched the incredibly soft feathers Cas turned his head. The angel opened his eyes and looked back at Dean, a soft smile on his face, and parted his lips to say something.

In that moment, with nothing but a quiet flutter of wings to warn him, a figure appeared next to the window, grinning at Dean. “Hey there.”

Dean winced in surprise, flinched away from Cas and nearly fell off the bed. “Motherf-!“

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, hello, me again, I somehow seem to just not give a fuck about my "I won't be able to write/update that often" notes - okay, I actually really don't care about that atm, who needs university anyway - and just can't stop writing, partly because I am so happy about all those stupid presentations being over and it being near the end of the semester (and also Germany winning the fricking handball European Championship, which is the reason I just HAD TO write today to somewhat come down because seriously, who would've thought we'd win that fricking thing!), and also because of all this amazing feedback from you guys! I just can't tell you how much I appreciate knowing you like this story and I just love hearing from you, it's really the main reason for me wanting to write so much and not being able to stop so thank you! ♥


	13. Chapter 13

“Well, isn’t that a nice way to greet an old friend?” Gabriel mocked, leaning against the wall next to the window where the curtain was moving softly in an invisible breeze and looking from him to Cas who strangely hadn’t reacted at all and still was looking at Dean, the same soft smile on his face.

Dean sat up abruptly, noticing that he wasn’t wearing a shirt as well but weirdly enough it didn’t bother him at all – it felt kind of natural. “How the hell did you-? Actually, never mind. What’re you doing here?”

“Ah, y’know, just paying you a visit to make sure you’re taking good care of my little brother. Even though I gotta admit this isn’t exactly what I had in mind.” The archangel smirked.

A blush crept on Dean’s face and he frowned at Gabriel. “Why me?” Something was off, Dean knew that by now, he just couldn’t figure out what it was.

“’cause you found him and…” Gabriel trailed off when Cas started moving and rolled onto his side to face Dean.

“Good morning, Dean,” the angel smiled and ran a hand through his already tousled, dark hair. His wings folded on his back, still partly visible behind his shoulders as he rested his head on his arm.

Eyes swiftly darting over Castiel’s body, Dean swallowed and tried to concentrate.

There definitely wasn’t supposed to be a guy in his bed, shirtless just like himself, and especially not the angel. “Hey, Cas, uh, your brother is he-”

“How did you sleep?” Cas continued as if Dean hadn’t said anything.

Dean looked at Cas in confusion and nodded towards the archangel who was still leaning against the wall, hands buried in the pockets of his pants and a lopsided, shit-eating grin on his face. “What? Dude, Gabriel’s here.”

“I really enjoyed last night, you know.”

“What the -?” For a moment Dean could just gape at Castiel, then he looked over at Gabriel quizzically. “What’s wrong with him?!”

“Shh, this is just getting good!” Apparently the archangel had a hard time keeping himself from starting to laugh as he bit his lip and watched his little brother.

“What did you do to him?” Panic was rising in Dean when Cas scooted closer to him, the blue of his irises nearly eclipsed by his unusually huge pupils.

“Me?!” Gabriel chuckled. “I didn’t do anything.”

Dean drew back as Cas inched even closer. “Then why’s he doing this?!”

“Because you want him to. Well, your mind wants him to.”

“What?! The hell are you talking about?”

“Dean…” Cas breathed and reached out for him.

With a loud thump Dean fell from his bed and bobbed up quickly. “Make him stop!”

“I can’t...” Gabriel was finally bursting into laughter now. Somehow this all seemed hilarious to him. “I-It’s… you’re the o-only one who c-can make it stop!” He actually looked like he was gasping for breath but Dean knew that couldn’t be the case.

When Dean glanced back at Castiel he was still looking like he wanted to devour him and Dean backed away from him until his back hit the wall. “What do you mean?” His eyes widened when Cas got off the bed and started walking towards him.

With a snap of Gabriel’s fingers everything in the room except for Dean and the archangel froze. “This isn’t happening, Dean-o. You’re dreaming.”

“Huh? What?!”

“This is a dream. Your mind’s making up all of this. That’s why I can’t stop it. I can only pause it.”

“Why would I dream of-? How’d you get into my dream?!” Focus on the main problem, Winchester, he scolded himself mentally. Even though he wasn’t quite sure anymore what actually was the bigger problem at the moment.

“I’m an archangel, there’s a lot of things I can do. This isn’t a big deal.”

“Couldn’t you just -“

Interrupting him with a single glare, Gabriel took a few steps, crossed his arms and stared up at Dean. “Ah, no, shut it. You’re gonna listen to me now before little Cassie here practically jumps you.” 

With that Dean really couldn’t argue, he was still watching Cas from the corner of his eye suspiciously even though he wasn’t moving.

“Listen, I can’t be seen back on earth – not that I care but I didn’t wanna make things even worse for Cassie – so I thought I’d talk to you this way. Bad idea, apparently, didn’t know you were having a wet dream ‘bout my little brother.”

“I’m not -!”

“Yeah, shush. As you’ve noticed, somebody’s gotta take care of him. He doesn’t know shit about humans so I’m counting on you. He’s your responsibility now, got that? And you can bet your ass I’ll be keeping an eye on you. Teach him whatever you can so he’ll be okay on earth.” Even though Gabriel was quite a bit smaller than Dean he had to admit he was intimidated as the archangel stared up at him – mostly because of that angel part, probably.

“But I… How am I supposed to help a frickin’ angel?!”

“Just be there for him, ya heard him, he’s lonely without you,” Gabriel replied with a shrug and Dean would have bet there was something else to his answer he couldn’t quite put his finger on. “Help him find a new purpose; a job, volunteer work with animals, I don’t know.”

“What if I can’t do it?”

“You can. You have to. He’s your responsibility. Guess I’m telling you this from one big brother to the other.” With a last glance at Cas Gabriel clenched his teeth for a split second. “You’re part of this now, whether you like it or not. Keep that in mind.” A second snap of his fingers, then he disappeared.

Immediately Cas started towards Dean again, getting all up into his personal space and looking up at him with hungry eyes.

“Fucking…”

“Dean, I know you want this just as bad as I do.” Oh Christ, was this Cas’s hand trailing over his chest down to his stomach?

Squeezing his eyes shut, Dean started mumbling to himself. “This isn’t real, it’s just a dream, you have to wake up, oh god…”

With a gasp Dean opened his eyes and sat up straight in his bed. He looked around hectically but luckily Cas was nowhere in sight – and he was still completely dressed. “Fuck…” He breathed out slowly and rubbed a hand over his face.

A fucking sex dream.

About a fricking male angel.

In which said angel’s stupid-ass big brother had to show up to talk to him.

Of course that could just happen to him.

Why would he even dream something like that?! It didn’t make any sense at all! He didn’t think about guys like that. Never had, never would, so what the hell?

It had to be the remains of last night’s alcohol, he decided. His head was pounding, after all.

A soft knock caused Dean to cringe and look up. He grumbled a “Yeah,” realising his voice sounded even huskier than usual.

The door opened and Castiel peeked in. Looking at Dean with worry in his eyes he asked, “Good morning, Dean, are you alright? I noticed your heart beating frantically.”


	14. Chapter 14

Dean's face grew hot as he averted his eyes. No way he could look at Cas right now after what he'd just dreamed.

Surely that was all Gabriel's fault. The archangel seemed a lot more human in his behaviour and especially his humour than his little brother and had probably just wanted to mess with him. Yeah, that was the only logical explanation for this weird, fucked up dream.

Eventually Dean realised that Cas was still waiting for an answer so he mumbled, "Yeah, uh, I'm fine, just had a... nightmare, y'know."

"I wouldn't know what having a nightmare feels like. Are you certain you are feeling alright?"

"Yes. Just… give me a moment, I'll be out in a minute, okay?"

"Of course." The door closed quietly behind Castiel and Dean heaved a sigh.

He would have to get up and pretend that nothing had happened. Well, technically nothing had actually happened so why was he even worrying about it? It had been nothing but a stupid dream and he just needed to forget about it.

Desperately. 

After he could convince his body to start acting normal again.

He definitely could not go out there and face the angel with a raging hard-on. He also couldn’t exactly take care of it with Cas right on the other side of the door so he cursed himself quietly and tried to convince his dick to comply but of course it didn’t.

When Castiel knocked again Dean wasn’t surprised at all. “Cas, it’s just a saying, okay? I know it’s been a minute, I just need a little time for myself, okay?”

“Is there something I can do to help?”

The thoughts that question sparked in Dean’s mind had him clench his teeth and press the heel of his hand to his crotch. “Nah, I’m good, really.” Don’t even go there, he thought to himself. 

That dream had definitely fucked him up.

He’d probably go to hell for those mental images. Maybe he should ask the angel for what reasons people went to hell so he could be prepared. Snorting, he shook his head and crawled out of bed, quickly pulling on a wide pair of sweatpants. A quick look in the mirror on his wardrobe confirmed his apprehension: the tent in the fabric was still clearly visible. He would just have to make it to the bathroom before Cas noticed anything and could ask awkward questions. A cold shower would hopefully help, too.

With only a few steps he was at the door and pulled it open, a muffled yelp escaping him when he found himself face to face with Cas who was literally standing no more than a foot away from his door, staring up at him. “Dude, what the hell?!”

“I was worried about y-”

“Think you could be worried somewhere else than directly in front of my bedroom door so I don’t nearly run into you and you don’t scare the hell outta me?” Dean huffed, quickly squeezed past the angel and disappeared in the bathroom, slamming the door shut behind him, aware that he had completely overreacted.

For a moment he considered going back and apologising but eventually decided against it.

“Just take a shower, calm down and forget about it,” he muttered to himself.

The ice cold water didn’t help much but at least Dean was thinking a little more clearly afterwards. He would just forget about that stupid dream and concentrate on what Gabriel had instructed him to do: find a new purpose for Cas.

When he came out of the bathroom he immediately noted that Cas was staring out the window, back turned towards him and slouching his shoulders.

Dean felt bad straightaway but hid it and cheerfully asked, “So, what about we find something to do for you?”

Castiel didn’t react.

“Hey, Cas, did you hear me?”

Turning around, Cas nodded softly, avoiding Dean’s eyes. “Yes.”

“Uh… You okay?” Shit, he really looked hurt. Dean couldn’t help but think back to the night he’d found Cas on that deserted highway, he’d had a similar expression back then. Frankly, he felt terrible for being such a jerk to him. It didn’t have anything to do with the angel, after all. Or rather, it wasn’t his fault Dean had had a wet dream about him and he had no right to treat him this way. Scratching the back of his neck awkwardly, Dean started, “Listen, I…”

“I didn’t mean to upset or offend you in any way,” Castiel interrupted him, albeit quietly. “I will try not to scare you again.”

“No, Cas, it’s fine, I… guess I overreacted and acted like an ass. Sorry.”

“I don’t understand how you could -”

“It’s just a phrase.”

“I see.”

“So, do you wanna see what you could do? I mean, um, it’s gotta be boring to not do anything at all the whole day, right?”

“In fact, I would like to be alone for a while,” Cas replied unexpectedly.

“Hey, Cas, if this is about earlier…”

Shaking his head Cas said, “I will see you later, Dean.” With that he disappeared.

“Fuck. Well done, Winchester, really,” Dean growled into the empty room.

***

Dean had stayed up as long as he could but even though he was bone-tired he just couldn’t fall asleep. Cas still hadn’t gotten back and hadn’t even shown up when Dean had tried calling him. He had even started praying but it was to no avail, the angel was gone.

Blaming himself for Cas’s disappearance didn’t make the situation any better, Dean knew that, but still he couldn’t stop it. Gabriel would probably kick his ass if he found out. Way to go, fucking everything up not even an hour after the archangel had assigned him to take care of his brother.

Eventually Dean managed to fall into a restless sleep and naturally Castiel occupied his dreams again, even though in a less pleasant manner – if you could call having a wet dream about a guy pleasant anyway, that was. He tossed and turned, waking several times and crawling out of bed every time to check if Cas was back but the living room stayed empty.

When he opened his eyes yet again, grunting and blinking away the last images of another unasked-for dream, dim twilight seeped through the blinds into his bedroom. Even though he didn’t see anything at first, Dean immediately sensed something was different and he sat up abruptly.

“Hello, Dean,” a husky, quiet voice greeted him from the corner next to his wardrobe.

“Cas! Thank god, you’re back! I was, uh, worried ‘bout you, y’know…” Dean tried to sound casual when he realised how relieved he must seem. No point in Cas knowing he’d barely slept because of him.

“I heard you saying my name and you sounded…” Cas hesitated, clearly looking for the right word, “…desperate, I think, like you were hurt perhaps, so I came.”

“I didn’t…” Dean trailed off when realisation hit him like a freight train. Fuck. “I’m not hurt but, uh, thanks for coming back,” he mumbled, glad that the dim light mostly hid his features.

“Are you positive you are not hurt? It sounded like a pained groan.”

“I’m sure. Listen, Cas, I’m glad you’re back, really, and please don’t leave again, yeah? Just… I really need to get some more sleep, okay?”

“I understand,” Castiel replied, even though he clearly didn’t. He turned and went into the living room, closing the door behind him.

Burying his face in his hands Dean squeezed his eyes shut, trying to get rid of the images.

It wasn’t a pained groan that had caused Cas to come back. It had been a moan of pleasure.


	15. Chapter 15

He had to get a grip on himself. Gabriel might think it was funny but it just pissed Dean off. There just wasn’t any other logical explanation, the archangel had to have a finger in the pie. Dean had never dreamed or even thought about guys in that way, this all had to be some kind of joke. How was he supposed to look Cas in the eyes now? It wasn’t like he could just forget about the things they’d done in his -

Okay, that was enough. No thinking about it anymore, he decided grimly and tried to push the thoughts away. He would just ignore all of this and carry on as if nothing had happened.

Typical Dean Winchester tactic.

After a few more minutes he got up and dressed in sweatpants and a wide shirt, hoping to cover his erection.

He would just forget about it, no big deal. Act normal. He could do it.

Taking a deep breath Dean opened the door and walked into the living room where Cas was huddled on the sofa, eyes cast down, gazing into space.

“Hey, Cas, you okay?” Stupid question, Dean was aware of that, but he didn’t know what else to say.

The angel slowly shook his head. “No.”

“What’s wrong?” Dean sat down on the edge of the arm chair and eyed Castiel.

“I’m a failure, no matter what I do,” Cas whispered, arms wrapped around himself.

“Aw, c’mon, that’s not true.”

“Yes it is. I am not even an angel anymore because I couldn’t abide by the rules and had to disobey.”

“You wanna tell me what happened in heaven?” Dean asked quietly. Part of him wanted to reach out and lay a hand on Cas’s shoulder to reassure him but he didn’t trust his judgement at the moment so he just sat there, looking at the devastated angel.

“No. I can’t.” Castiel’s voice broke on the last syllable but at least he finally met Dean’s eyes. “Are you still mad at me?”

Forcing a smile Dean replied, “No, I’m not. Told you I overreacted. Sorry ‘bout that… We good again?”

“Yes, I think we are good again,” Cas replied after a moment of consideration.

“Wanna tell me where you were last night?”

“At the Niagara Falls.”

“At the - Okay… And why?”

“Because I always wanted to see them up close. They are very impressive. And loud. Have you ever been there?”

“No, but I bet they’re great.” This time Dean’s smile was real. “Is there anything else you wanna see?”

“Rainforests. The Grand Canyon. Undiscovered caves and the bottom of the ocean. The red thermal springs in Japan. I think the moon would be nice too, someday. Also the Great Barrier Reef. And I want to see a volcanic eruption up close.” Cas paused, a thoughtful expression on his face. “Or are we talking about man-made things?”

“Well, uh, that’s already a lot more than I expected.”

“I have seen every part of the world you can see from heaven, but I have never been able to really look at them, find out what they feel and hear and smell like. There is so much more I want to discover. And as obscure the human race might be, it has created amazing things as well. I think I would like to see every part of the world.” This thought seemed to excite the angel, Dean didn’t think he’d ever heard him talk this much at a time.

“Then why don’t you do it? Explore the world, I mean. You got wings, you don’t need to sleep or eat or anything, what’s better than that?” Maybe a break was what they both needed.

A break? Hell, that sounded like they were a fucking couple or something.

“But...”

Of course there was a ‘but’. Things couldn’t be easy for Dean for once now, could they?

“What is it?”

Castiel’s face assumed a troubled expression. “Then I would have to leave you.”

Great. That didn’t sound like a gay couple at all. Why was that angel so obsessed with him? Dean tried so sound patient when he said, “I know, but then you could -”

“You asked me not to leave again,” Cas reminded him, looking at him almost pleadingly as if to say Dean shouldn’t make him leave.

“Yeah, I’m aware of that, I just thought it’d be nice if you would go see those things.”

“I will still have time for that in a few decades or even centuries. If your kind does not completely destroy this planet until then, that is,” the angel retorted dryly.

Dean couldn’t help but snort out a laugh at that. “Alright. Um, lemme think. What about… you go look for a job?” Okay, even he had to admit that was a ridiculous suggestion. As if Cas would get a job anywhere, he was way too strange and awkward with people – at least judging by his behaviour around Dean. “Or, dunno, volunteer at a pet shelter or something?”

Tilting his head, Castiel thought about that for a while. “I think I will consider that.”

“You do that.”

***

He couldn’t do this much longer. Cas was around him pretty much 24/7, his co-workers didn’t even say anything anymore, just rolled their eyes at them when Cas was tagging along when Dean came to work – he’d decided he wanted to learn a thing or two about cars. Or rather everything, judging by the amount of questions he asked.

Slowly but surely it was driving Dean crazy.

Especially since the dreams had kept coming for the past one and a half weeks. Not as frequently as in the beginning, luckily, but every two or three nights still was just too much. He just wanted them to stop, wanted to forget about them, obliterate the memories from his mind.

And not only that, even when he was awake he caught himself watching Cas from the corner of his eye when he licked his lips or squinted at another item he couldn’t make sense of, not able to get the images out of his head but instead getting spontaneous, unwanted boners like a teenager. If Cas were a girl Dean would think he might have a crush – or whatever you wanted to call it. But Cas wasn’t a girl and this was stupid and insane and it was making furious – and somewhat frustrated, if he would be honest.

Anyway, he was here to take his mind off of this for a night. Leaning back in his seat when he spotted a familiar figure approaching, Dean greeted his friend with a strained smile. “Hey, Benny, good to see ya.”

“What’s the matter, brother?” Benny drawled as he took a seat across from Dean.

“Nothing, why can’t I meet my best friend for a beer?”

“I know ya, Dean, and clearly somethin’s wrong. Could smell that from the street. Spit it out, why don’t you?”

“Very funny.” Dean rolled his eyes. “I’m telling you, it’s nothin’, so shut up and get the waitress to come over here, would you?” Dean grumbled and chugged the rest of his first beer.

Reluctantly Benny did as he was told and they ordered their usual burgers and drinks.

“Alright, chief, spit it out,” the older man said when the waitress had taken their orders and left.

Crossing his arms Dean claimed, “I got no idea what you’re talkin’ about.”

“You know that I know when you’re lyin’ through your teeth. Can’t be that bad now, can it?”

“Just let it go.”

Benny rested his elbows on the table and leaned forward, looking Dean straight in the eye. “Nope. Not gonna happen.”

“Well, I got nothing to tell ya,” Dean insisted stubbornly. That wasn’t what he’d come here for, after all. He just wanted to have a drink with his best friend.

“Bullshit.”

“Oh really?”

“Really. I’ve known you half my life so cut the crap.” He barely acknowledged the waitress who set their drinks on the table between them as he stared at his friend.

“Anything else I can get you boys?” the woman asked with a smile.

Dean nodded seriously. “I need a whiskey. Or ten.”

Not sure if that was a joke the waitress glanced at Benny before mumbling, “I’ll just get one for each of you to start with,” and disappearing towards the bar again.

“Alright, I’m waiting.”

“Nothing I wanna tell you,” Dean grumbled.

“I got that part. But you know I always get it outta you sooner or later.” That wasn’t simply a statement, it was almost a threat. And he would be right.

No matter how often Dean tried to change the topic, talked about anything and everything or sat staring at his food, refusing to talk about what was really bothering him, Benny just stared him down with that look that said ‘I know you’re keeping something from me and I won’t say a word until you tell me’, and so he waited in utter silence.

After half an hour Dean had enough. “Oh c’mon, Benny, really?!” 

His friend just sipped at his whiskey and looked him dead in the eye.

“I hate you, you know that?”

The faintest hint of a smirk appeared on Benny’s face but he still didn’t say anything.

“I’m too sober for this shit,” Dean muttered and chugged another whiskey.

Still no reaction.

“You gonna do this all night?”

With a shrug Benny tilted his head slightly in a gesture that probably meant something along the lines of ‘If you make me by keeping this up’.

Dean growled and looked anywhere but at him, trying to work up the nerve to tell him. He bit his lip, then finally mumbled, “You gotta swear you won’t laugh.”

His best friend nodded.

“Say it.”

Raising his hands in a mocked defeat, Benny promised, “Fine, I ain’t gonna laugh.”

Taking a deep breath Dean closed his eyes. He couldn’t quite believe he was about to say this. “You ever, um… thought you could be, like, not completely straight?”


	16. Chapter 16

When the silence stretched and Dean couldn’t hear any reaction he slowly opened his eyes to peek at Benny, anxious of his reaction. His best friend looked at him in a mixture of surprise, disbelief and amusement.

“You’re kiddin’ me, ain’t ya?” Benny finally asked carefully.

“Do I look like I’m fucking laughing or somethin’?” Dean growled. “Y’know what, forget it. Doesn’t matter.”

Benny shook his head, not quite able to wrap his mind around it. “What do you wanna tell me, chief, huh? Speak plain English, would ya? Who’s this about?”

“No one,” Dean grumbled and looked away.

“C’mon, I ain’t laughin’, I ain’t makin’ fun o’ you and you know you can trust me. Jus’ tell me.”

Silence hung between them for a while as Dean stared into the empty glass of whiskey in his hand and Benny stared at Dean. He would talk eventually, Benny was sure of that, it just was bothering Dean too much, so he waited. Patience always paid off when dealing with Dean, he just needed a little time sometimes.

“Y’know, there’s just…” Dean hesitated, “…this guy that I, dunno… Just kinda can’t get him outta my head.”

“So you’re just thinkin’ ‘bout him? Doesn’t sound that dramatic to me, brother. Unless…” Benny trailed off.

“Unless what?!”

“What kinda thoughts do you have?”

With a snort Dean waved the waitress over to order more drinks. “You didn’t seriously just ask me that,” he said when she’d left their table again.

“Guess that speaks for itself. And how else you s’pose I should know if your’re… what, bi? Hold up. You still like women, right?”

“You know, you could just yell it through the whole bar. Keep it down!” Dean shot his friend a dirty look.

“Hey, ‘m just tryna help.”

Dean crossed his arms and glowered at Benny. “Well you ain’t helping. At all. Seriously, just forget I ever said anything.” It had been a mistake, really. Not that he didn’t trust Benny to keep his mouth shut, it was just that he rather wouldn’t have to admit any of those things to anybody. Least of all to himself. Just bury it and finally forget about it.

Only this wouldn’t work this time because Castiel was practically with him the whole time. Hell, that guy was living at his place, how was he supposed to forget him?!

“He cute?”

“Huh?”

“The guy you’re talkin’ ‘bout. Is he cute?”

Shrugging, Dean stared over to the bar, waiting for their drinks impatiently.

“Alright, listen.” Benny nudged Dean with his foot to get his attention. “I’m really not tryna make fun o’ you, kay? Just tryin’ to understand an’ help you figure this out. You can tell me anythin’, you know that.”

“Fine.” Still Dean didn’t say anything else until he’d downed his next glass of whiskey.

Benny snatched the other glass from him and drank it. “Think you’ve had enough for now.”

“You’re not my mother.”

“True, but I sometimes feel like I am. So open your mouth an’ start talkin’ to me,” he said as he leaned back, eyes not leaving Dean’s.

For a moment, all Dean thought about what was he could actually tell Benny. It wasn’t exactly like he could just say that Cas was a fallen angel he’d picked up in the middle of the night and who was living in his flat ever since. Somehow he hated that he couldn’t be completely honest about Cas with Benny but the angel had already nearly freaked out when Dean had wanted to tell Sam everything and adjured him not to tell anyone the truth.

Eventually he mumbled, “I met him ‘bout two weeks ago. He’s, uh, 19, and kinda good looking, I guess. Jo thinks he’s cute.”

“I’m not even gonna ask why she knows him an’ I don’t.” It was obvious Benny was pissy that apparently Jo had already met the guy and Dean was only mentioning him now.

“He visited me at work, okay?”

That seemed to help a little. “So how much do you know ‘bout him?”

“Well, he got kicked out by his family, wants to travel the world, doesn’t have a job, that kind of stuff…”

“Where’s he stayin’ at the moment if he doesn’t even have a job?” Benny asked with suspicion. Something was off, he knew that much.

“In town…” Dean muttered evasively.

Narrowing his eyes, Benny probed, “Where in town?”

Dean shrugged again. “Dunno.”

“Stop lying.”

“I’m no-“

“Stop it. Where’s he stayin’?”

His friend didn’t answer.

“Dean?” Benny growled.

“Jesus, Benny, would you just let it go?”

“Not gonna happen. Spit it out, brother.”

“He’s been staying at my place,” Dean mumbled nearly inaudibly, but Benny heard it anyway.

“You gotta be jokin’.” He shook his head in disbelief. “Dean, you barely know that guy.”

“Oh, suddenly that’s a problem when you know he’s living in my apartment but you don’t mind it when I tell you I got a crush on him?!”

Only then did Dean realise what he’d just said. Fuck. And judging by Benny’s smug grin that was exactly what his best friend had aimed at.

“That wasn’t what…”

Benny smirked. “Yeah, right. Guess we solved your problem then, huh?” 

“I don’t even know if this is something serious!” Dean hissed.

“Alright, seriously, what’ve you been thinkin’ ‘bout that guy? And what’s his name anyway?”

“His name’s Cas. Well, Castiel, actually. And dunno, just… guess I can’t really get him out of my mind, okay? No wonder when he’s around me 24/7, though, so I got no idea what all of that really means.”

“Wanna hear what I’m thinkin’?”

“Probably not.”

“Thought so, gonna tell you anyway. I say go for it.”

“What?!” The expression on Dean’s face mirrored the shock in his voice perfectly. “Are you serious?”

“Yeah, I mean, why not? It’s not like you gotta marry him. And he lives with you already, so…” Benny smirked.

Dean’s look was damn near lethal. “Haha, very funny.”

“All I’m saying is see what happens and give it a shot if there’s an opportunity.” With that the topic was over for Benny and secretly Dean was relieved, even though Benny’s suggestion didn’t make it any easier in his opinion. Since he couldn’t exactly do anything against those dreams and thoughts, though, he decided to follow his best friend’s advice and just take things as they came. This ridiculous…whatever the hell it was might just stop eventually.

Yes, Dean was convinced that with time this whole fucked up situation would just solve itself.


	17. Chapter 17

“Hey, Cas?” Dean asked the next evening between two bites of his dinner.

The angel looked over at him from the TV. “Yes?”

“You ever thought about doin’ something else than watch me at work ‘n stuff like that? I mean, something where you’re, like, not around me 24/7?”

“Do you not like me being with you? I thought you enjoyed teaching me about cars.”

“Yeah, sure I do, I’m just thinkin’ that you might want to kind of start a new life of your own, y’know. Get a job maybe or just do something you like.”

In Dean’s mind, the solution was simple: He would get Cas to do something he enjoyed so he would learn to be on his own for a couple of hours per day. He wanted the angel to become more secure around people until he could be convinced to go out and see the world. Dean would tell him to stop by now and then, keep in touch or whatever so the angel wouldn’t feel like he was trying to get rid of him. And then he could forget about all of this.

A few more weeks and this would all be over.

He could do that.

‘Go for it. Give it a shot.’ As if Benny had any idea what he was talking about.

Dean was straight, end of discussion. All of this crap had started with Cas showing up and practically moving in with him and it would end when he left.

“But I don’t know anything about getting a job,” Cas objected.

Dean’s smile wasn’t quite sincere when he said, “I’ll help you, okay? I’m sure we can find something great for you.”

“Why do I need a job?”

“Well, you don’t really need one but don’t you wanna be more… independent? You could learn a lot more by doing something other than following me around the whole time.” He hadn’t meant for it to sound this harsh but it was out before he could stop himself so he quickly added, “I just think you could find something that’s more your thing, you know? I don’t think you and cars is such a good combination.” Not with the way Cas didn’t get close to them anymore since he’d gotten a face full of fumes because he’d decided to take a look at the exhaust pipe himself just when Dean had started the engine.

After a few seconds of silence in which Cas was obviously thinking about Dean’s words, he replied shyly, “But I don’t know what’s my… ‘thing’.”

“Is there something on earth you like?”

“I like everything about God’s creation.”

“You’re really not gonna make it easy, are you?” Dean muttered but suddenly Gabriel’s words came to his mind again. “Okay, uh, what about… animals?”

“I like animals very much,” Castiel replied with a smile.

“See, that’s something. I bet there’s a lot of shelters which desperately need a hand. What do you think, wanna take a look?”

Slowly Cas nodded, clearly neither particularly happy about the thought of trying something new nor convinced this was necessary and helpful. He much rather wanted to stay with Dean, have someone familiar around him and not some strangers but he didn’t object. Maybe being with animals would let him forget about his troubles and sorrow for a while, he told himself as he walked over to the table where Dean was booting up the computer to search online.

No two hours later Dean had convinced Cas to at least check some shelters out, even if he had to drag him there personally the next day.

***

Even if Dean didn’t want to admit it, he knew he couldn’t do it.

It had been about nine weeks since the conversation with Benny and his decision on how to deal with his problems – or rather the cause of his problems in form of the angel.

So far, everything had worked out perfectly: At first Cas had actually gotten a job at an animal shelter and he had absolutely loved it, getting home every evening all excited and telling Dean about the animals and which stories they told him and how he could help them when they were in pain. It was the first time Dean had really seen him happy and he was relieved; his plan didn’t seem like that much of a dick move when he could tell himself Cas was enjoying the time away from him a lot.

The only thing Dean wasn’t quite happy about were the cat hairs all over Castiel’s clothes which made him sneeze every time he got close – but he was willing to make that sacrifice.

Cas didn’t seem to mind being without Dean that much anymore, he’d even made a friend at work – a girl who called him unicorn and Clarence for reasons the angel hadn’t quite grasped. They had even hung out after work a few times and slowly Castiel started to feel more confident amongst people.

After about a month Dean had asked him if he didn’t want to try something new, maybe see some places that weren’t that far when he wasn’t working so he wouldn’t have to sit in front of the TV at night, feeling bored while Dean was asleep and couldn’t be told about all the exciting things that happened at work. When he felt secure Cas was actually quite a talker, Dean had found out.

At first Cas didn’t want to leave longer, said he didn’t mind being alone at night and preferred to stay close to Dean in case something happened to him – whatever that should be, Dean had no clue – but Dean had insisted it would be a lot more interesting and surely a great experience until Cas had agreed that it was worth a try. That evening he had left when Dean had told him he’d go to bed and when he got up in the morning he’d found the angel as happy and enthusiastic as never before.

He had gushed about the Grand Canyon, how beautiful it was at night and how he definitely wanted to see it again in daylight and when the sun was setting. His trips got longer and he sometimes stayed away till well past noon, even started working only half time.

Eventually Dean had suggested he’d take the time to see other parts of the world, leave his job and Dean for a while and see the other continents. For a bit the angel had said he could do that in a century or two as well but finally Castiel had left for Asia, still slightly hesitant, but he had gone out to explore the world he’d watched from afar for several billion years with nothing but his clothes and Dean’s phone number to his name, promising to call now and again.

That same night Dean had met Benny and drunk way too much before taking home a girl. If he was lucky Cas would be so intrigued he wouldn’t even want to come back. Dean had deemed his problem solved.

Only it wasn’t.

One and a half weeks after Cas had left Dean still was dreaming about him, waking up in the morning frustrated and lonely, trying to get the images out of his mind. So far, Castiel had called four times, telling him about how amazing Japan, Cambodia, Malaysia and all the other countries he’d been to were.

Three weeks in, Dean caught himself wondering if the angel was okay more and more often since Cas had only called once but he quickly dismissed the thoughts and decided it was time for some distraction. He agreed to get some beer and burgers after work with Jo, invited Benny over for movies and even called his brother to go visit their father in the rehab clinic again. Additionally, he went to bars nearly every night, expanding his ‘hunting grounds’ and picking up more women than in the past couple of months combined.

After four weeks he noticed a pattern, noted he somehow always ended up with a certain type of woman: pretty, mostly petite girls with dark hair in all varieties and styles and blue eyes. Only it was never the correct length, the right blue, and he couldn’t help but think that none of those girls were anything like Cas.

Of course they weren’t.


	18. Chapter 18

Dean flinched when a loud, irritating noise woke him and it took him a few seconds of blinking and hectically rummaging around before his fingers finally brushed his phone and he could just grab it right before it dropped down to the floor.

“Yeah?” he answered and rubbed his eyes, voice gruff and full of sleep as he stifled a yawn.

“Morning, Dean.” 

Immediately Dean sat up. “Sammy? What’s wrong?”

“You tell me.” Sam sounded serious. Dean mentally cursed his brother; it was way too early for this kind of guessing game.

“Huh? What’re you talkin’ about?”

“Bobby called and said something’s up with you. You got any plans today?”

“What? Bobby…?” Dean’s brain was still too fogged with sleep to keep up. “Wait, hold on, what time is it even?”

“8.30. So, what do you think about lunch?”

“Dude, are you fucking kidding me?! It’s Saturday!” Dean complained. “And what the hell are you even talking about?”

“Let’s say 12.30 at Ellen’s, okay? Meet you there.” With that Sam ended the call.

Dean groaned and lay back down. He knew Sam would stand in front of his door if he didn’t show up, he could be extremely unrelenting. At least it would get him good food. And maybe it was better to talk to his brother in public than at home where he could corner him. This way, Sam’s cross-examination maybe wouldn’t be that bad. Sometimes he hated that Sam had decided to go to law school.

It probably was a good idea to get some more sleep before he had to face Sam. On the other hand Dean knew what – or rather who – was expecting him in his dreams. They had been haunted by Cas yet again before Sam had called and Dean wasn't sure anymore if it was a good or a bad thing. It seemed so right to feel the angel's lips tracing over his skin in his dreams, see him kneel in front of him as he opened Dean's belt and- He needed to stop before the memory would get him hard again.

Frustrated and tired he got out of bed and decided to take a long shower and make himself a strong coffee. He felt like this was going to be even worse than the conversation with Benny.

And he really couldn’t keep pretending this was nothing much longer. Sooner or later he would have to admit this was more than a weird little thing he had for the angel.

***

When he arrived at the Roadhouse Dean instantly spotted Sam in their usual corner but before he could join him at their favourite table his eyes met Jo’s who smirked at him, raising a brow. “Now I gotta see your face when I’m off work, too? Give me a break, Winchester, c’mon,” she mocked with a grin.

“Believe me, I wouldn’t be here if Sam wouldn’t basically have forced me to come. Is your mom here? Haven’t seen her in ages.” That part was painfully true. His family used to come to Ellen’s bar regularly but that was years ago, when things were still sort of normal and his father hadn’t been that fucked up. Dean missed those days badly.

“Yeah, she’s back in the kitchen. I’ll tell her to swing by later.”

With a nod and a “We’ll take the same as always” Dean headed to Sam and sat down across of him. “What’s this about?” he asked his little brother unceremoniously.

“Good to see you too, Dean.” 

“Stop beating around the bush and tell me why I’m here. And what Bobby’s got to do with all this.”

“He’s worried about you. Asked me to talk to you and look into it.”

“Why?”

Sam shrugged. “Said you’re completely unconcentrated, inattentive and distracted at work, like you’re thinking about something else entirely the whole time.”

Immediately Dean got defensive. “Yeah, well, even if it were like that it wouldn’t be any of Bobby’s business, much less yours.”

“Excuse me? None of our business? Bobby says it compromises your work and I’m worried about you, too.”

“Oh really? Then why is Bobby sending you to talk to me instead of doing that himself?”

“He said he tried to.”

Alright, perhaps that was true, and just maybe Dean had avoided this kind of talk for the past couple of weeks. Still he wouldn’t admit it.

“Listen, it’s none of your business, okay? I’m fine.”

Giving him a stern look, Sam noted, “You don’t look fine. You look tired.”

“Yeah, ‘cause you woke me on a Saturday morning because of this bullshit,” Dean grumbled.

“That’s not it. What’s really going on, huh?”

“Nothing.”

“Yeah, right. Benny’s been saying the same thing. Wasn’t all that convincing either.”

For a moment Dean could just gape at his brother. “You talked to Benny behind my back?! Are you serious?” Sam didn’t even like Benny so he had to be extremely worried.

“I know you and I figured I’d try talking to him too so I called him earlier. You don’t talk to me anymore, thought maybe you talk to him.”

The accusation hung between them for several seconds as Jo brought their drinks, looking from one to the other, clearly wondering what this discussion was about.

“I don’t believe it…” Dean said and shook his head when she was out of earshot. “Why can’t you just leave me alone?”

“Because I’m your brother and I care about you and clearly something’s wrong. Doesn’t really have anything to do with work, your car is fine too, you can pay your rent, you’ve never been this upset after visiting dad so what is it? Are you sick?”

“What? No!”

Relieve crossed Sam’s face for a moment, then he continued. “Then what is this about? Problems with any of your friends?” He paused, thinking, then Sam narrowed his eyes. “Does it have anything to do with that guy that was at your apartment last time I came over? This Castiel? You were already acting really strange back then.”

“It’s got nothing to do with Cas, okay? Now let it go.”

“No, I won’t.”

“Alright, what do you want to hear?”

Sam leaned forward, staring into Dean’s eyes. “What about the truth for once?”

“I told you it’s nothing.”

“Who’s this Cas really, Dean?”

“Would you just shut up?”

“Nope. Tell me. What’s up with him? You don’t just randomly pick up guys on a business trip and suddenly they’re in your apartment a few weeks later.”

“So what? He was in the neighbourhood and wanted to say thanks,” he lied.

“Yeah, right. C’mon, Dean, just…” Sam trailed off when Ellen herself approached their table with their food.

She eyed them but eventually smiled and said, “Hey boys, nice to see you again. To what do I owe the honour?”

“Nothing particular, just your great food,” Dean replied and grinned innocently at her.

Instead of saying something Ellen just raised a brow and set down the plates. She obviously believed him just as little as Sam did. “Anyway, I’ll leave you two alone then. Just tell me if you need anything else.”

Sam smiled at her. “Thanks, Ellen, we’ll do that.”

As soon as she turned her back to them Dean grabbed his burger and took a huge bite, moaning at the taste.

“You’re disgusting.” Sam rolled his eyes. “So, what’s with that Castiel? Just tell me.”

“There’s nothin’ to tell ya,” Dean insisted, mouth still half full.

“Oh, but you tell Benny about that ‘nothing’?” The bitterness in Sam’s voice was unmistakable.

“Oh come on, Sam, really?”

“Well, you obviously rather talk to him than to your brother.”

“That’s not true.”

With a snort Sam picked at his salad. “Right.”

Clenching his teeth Dean stared at Sam. His brother would never accept Benny as Dean’s friend, for whatever reasons, but did he really have to be this jealous and mad? After all, Dean had only told Benny because he’d been drunk, it had just slipped out.

“You know, I tried to get a background check on him,” Sam eventually said.

“You ran a background check on Benny?!”

“No, idiot, on this Castiel guy.”

Dean shook his head in disbelief. “Why would you do that?”

“I told you, I’m worried about you. You meet this guy God knows where and suddenly he’s at your place, whispering with you and you call him your friend? And in case you’re wondering, I couldn’t come up with anything. Hard to find someone without his last name, even if his name is rather unusual.”

“You’re crazy.”

“And you’re keeping something from me.”

“No, I’m not.” Except for the fact that he couldn’t get Cas out of his mind. Or his dreams. And that he was an angel. Well, a fallen angel.

The blatant lie earned him a bitchface from Sam.

“Can I eat in peace now?”

“You gonna tell me what’s this about after you ate?”

“You’re annoying as fuck, you know that?”

“And you’re stubborn as hell.” A thought seemed to cross Sam’s mind. “Wait, he’s not a drug dealer or something?”

Dean couldn’t help but laugh. “Okay, now you’re being ridiculous.”

“You sure?”

“You know I wouldn’t do that. Not after what dad…”

Sam sighed. “Alright. Fine. Then who is he?”

“You’re really not gonna let this go, are you?”

“No, absolutely not. I want to know what’s going on. And if I have to ask more favours to figure out who that guy is so be it. We can do this the easy or the hard way, Dean.”

“You sound like someone from a bad crime show,” Dean mocked, rolling his eyes.

“Well, at the moment I only have three explanations.”

“I don’t even wanna hear what you came up with…”

“He’s a drug dealer, a hooker or your lover or boyfriend or whatever. Although I gotta admit, the latter makes most sense to me. So, what is it?” Oh, now Sam was really trying to interrogate him. Super.

“You are insane. He’s just someone I met, now let it fucking go,” Dean growled, the burger in his hands completely forgotten.

“Did you have sex with him?”

“What?!” He could only gape at his brother.

“You heard me. Did you have sex with him? He certainly looked at you like he wanted you,” Sam deadpanned.

“Very funny. You’re crazy and this law study makes you paranoid.”

“So you didn’t?”

“No, I didn’t. Hell, can you just stop?”

“Then what’s going on with you and him?” 

Finally Dean’s patience snapped. There was no way around it anyway, Sam would get it out of him eventually, he’d never been able to keep secrets from him for long. “God dammit, Sam, I like him, okay?! Are you happy now?”

“You like him?” Sam probed.

“Yeah, I guess. Looks like I might not be straight after all, okay? You got a problem with that?” He glared at his brother, gritting his teeth.

“No, not at all.” Sam shook his head, completely placid.

“You… don’t mind? That I might be… bi?” There. He’d said it. And maybe, maybe it felt right, somehow.

“Why would I? As long as you’re happy I don’t care who you’re with,” Sam said with a shrug before adding, “As long as they’re not a drug dealer or something.”

“Cas is not a drug dealer.” Dean couldn’t quite believe that Sam was this calm. The whole morning he’d pictured every possible scenario over and over again but this wasn’t what he’d expected. It was too, well, undramatic, if he was honest with himself.

“Alright. Then what’s the problem?”

Staring at his plate, Dean muttered, “He left. Not that it’s any of your business.”

“So? Call him, ask him if you can meet and see what happens. Talk to him and see if he likes you too. Honestly, I think he does,” Sam reassured his big brother with a smirk.

Pretty much what Benny would have told him to do, too, Dean was sure. Still there was a problem.

“I can’t.”

“Why not? Is he not into guys?”

“No. I mean I don’t know. It’s just that he’s-” a fallen angel, and Dean didn’t know if angels were even able to get this kind of feelings.

Besides, why would an angel like him of all people?


	19. Chapter 19

“It's just that what? You know, you're always good at making up excuses, Dean. Call him. You need to figure this out,” Sam prompted.

“Now?”

“Yes, now.”

“But... What if I'm not bi and just overreacting?” Dean muttered reluctantly.

Sam heaved an annoyed sigh. “What if you never find out ‘cause you're too much of a coward?”

“I'm not a coward!” Dean protested.

“Then call him and ask if you can meet somewhere. Find out if he might be into guys too and whether he likes you back. It’s still better than not knowing and just being miserable the whole time, isn’t it? Seriously, Dean, if it affects you this much I’d say it’s pretty safe to say you’re into that guy.”

Staring at Sam wordlessly for a while and mentally debating with himself, Dean tried to remain steadfast but eventually he gave in. “I hate you.”

“As long as you figure this out I can live with that. Now call him.”

Dean bit his lip. He didn't want to, mostly because he was afraid of not knowing what to say to Cas, and when they met... What the hell was he supposed to do? Plus he couldn't exactly call Cas right here, after all he had to pray to him.

He also had no idea how the angel would react. If Dean told him what he was thinking about him, that was.

Which he wouldn't.

No point in telling an angel that he, Dean Winchester, had a crush on him. What was he even thinking?! Hoping Cas could like him back the same way was just ridiculous. And Sam was definitely just talking crap, trying to be supportive and reassuring Dean that it was okay.

No way Cas had a thing for him too. That was just simply impossible.

“Dean?!” Snapping his fingers in front of Dean’s face, Sam tried to get his brother’s attention.

“Huh, what?”

“Would you stop staring into space and say something?”

“What do you want me to say?!” 

“I want you to call this Castiel, as in now. You gotta do something about this situation, y’know.”

“Yeah, I got that. I’ll just… call him later, okay?”

“No.” Sam shook his head, his voice stern when he said, “You’re gonna do that now so I know you did it.”

“Dude, you’re such a control freak. I’m gonna do it, got it?”

“Do it now.” His bitch face didn’t leave room for discussions.

Dean growled, “Fine. But I’m gonna do it outside ‘cause I don’t need you or anyone else here listening.” With that he got up and made his way to the front of the bar and out the door. He took a few steps away from the entrance and pulled his phone from his pocket in case someone was watching. Biting his lip he thought about what he should say and tried to ignore the frantic beating of his heart.

This was ridiculous. Nothing to be nervous about.

Another deep breath, then he cleared his throat and quietly started praying to Castiel.

***

He had been right. All along, Dean had been right.

As soon as Cas started seeing the world up close, able to experience it first-hand, he didn’t even think about Dean anymore. It should already have been obvious when the angel stopped calling him, so why was Dean actually surprised when his prayers weren’t answered?

No call, no message, not even a fucking postcard since he had asked Cas to come back and at least drop by for a chat. Nothing.

Hell, he didn’t even want to talk to him about whatever this was, after all Dean Winchester definitely wasn’t one to talk about his feelings, but at least seeing Cas again would’ve been nice, he told himself.

He’d secretly hoped to get some kind of closure since this clearly would never work out. But Cas never came.

Almost a week later Dean decided to just fuck it – pretty much in the literal sense.

Dressed in his favourite AC/DC shirt he took the Impala and drove for a while until he found a place that didn’t look that shady, not that he usually cared, but tonight he wanted a change. After two drinks and with his usual charm it didn’t take long to chat up a cute girl with wide blue eyes and red hair – yes, he really was ready to forget about Cas and this was a big change, thank you very much – and only one more drink until she suggested they should leave. Dean couldn’t even keep his hands to himself until they were in the car, instead he pinned her against the passenger door and leaned down to kiss her. Of course he immediately noticed that she was too small, too soft, but he quickly dismissed the thought when she smiled seductively and urged him to get in the car and get them to his apartment.

Dean was barely able to concentrate on the road when her hand slid up his thigh and he couldn’t get back home fast enough. When he’d finally parked in front of his apartment building he pulled her inside, panting as she kissed him fervently. In no time his shirt and jeans were gone, as well as her dress and their shoes, all scattered on the floor on the way to the bedroom.

The girl pushed Dean onto his bed and crawled on top of him, kissing him again while pulling off his boxers with a little help as Dean undid her bra. An arm wrapped around her waist, he flipped them over and smirked down at her. He leaned down and nipped at her neck as her hands ran over his body.

At first he didn’t notice the sound coming from the door, distracted by the girl’s soft moans, but when it came again he paused, straining his ears, and indeed, someone was knocking on the door to his apartment.

“Hey!” the girl protested when Dean rolled off her and grabbed his phone to check the time. 2.18 AM. Who the hell would be at his door at this time? It could only be Benny, the guy barely called and seemed to love showing up at the worst of times. Or maybe Sam who had had a fight with his girlfriend and needed somewhere to sleep.

Whoever was outside knocked again, more impatient this time. Dammit. Dean groaned and grabbed a shirt from the floor, muttering, “Sorry, I gotta get this,” and covered his crotch with the shirt, cursing quietly as he hurried to the door, tearing it open without checking the peephole, determined to tear a strip off the person for cockblocking him like this.

“God dammit, what’s wro-” Dean stopped when he realised who was standing right in front of his door. He gaped for a few moments, not quite able to grasp who he was looking at. Finally he took a step to the side, closing the door halfway to partly hide behind it as he became aware of his nudity, stammering, “Cas, uh, what’re you…? I mean, um… Why’re you here?”


	20. Chapter 20

Cas eyed Dean with irritation, he knew something was off but he wasn’t quite sure what. “You prayed to me and said you wanted to see me again so I came. Can I come in?” he asked.

“Uh, hm, can you just… give me a moment? I’ll be right-”

“Dean? Are you coming?” a female voice sounded from Dean’s bedroom and a second later a young, red-headed woman appeared in the living room, wearing nothing but panties. When she noticed Cas she smiled sheepishly, crossing her arms over her breasts. “Hi there.”

“Cas, now’s really not a good time, y’know,” Dean mumbled, his face bright red.

Looking from Dean to the woman and back, Cas eventually put two and two together and blushed too as he averted his eyes. “I see. I didn’t mean to interrupt you while having intercourse, my apologies. Should I…come back later?”

“We weren’t… Well, not yet, um…” Dean stammered, mentally kicking himself for trying to explain himself and feeling horrible about the look on Cas’s face. “Listen, why don’t you give me a minute? Just stay where you are, okay?”

Without waiting for an answer the door was shut in Castiel’s face and Dean hurried back to the bedroom, picking up his boxers from the ground and quickly pulling them on.

“You need to leave,” he told the girl who stared at him with wide eyes.

“Are you serious?!”

“Yes. Put on your clothes and go.”

“What the hell?! Who’s that guy?” Apparently she was anything but happy about this turn of events.

“None of your business. Get up and leave.” It sounded harsher than Dean wanted it to but all he could worry about right now was what Cas was thinking. He’d caught Dean with his pants down – or rather completely naked – and knew exactly what he’d been about to do. There was no way Dean could talk himself out of this.

While he got dressed in a rush, Dean deliberately ignored the girl’s murderous glares as she slowly started putting on her own clothes. It was all taking way too long and Dean was about to shove her out of his apartment when she turned around and looked up at him.

“Who is he? Your boyfriend who doesn’t know you fuck girls?” she asked, voice as cold as ice.

“No he’s not. Now get out,” Dean gritted through his teeth.

Without another word she tore open the door and walked straight past Cas, glaring at him as well.

If he was being honest, Dean was glad the angel had knocked before they’d gotten any further. 

“You didn’t need to send her aw-” Castiel started but Dean cut him off.

“Yeah I did. Come on in.” He stepped aside and let Cas enter.

Cas didn’t look at Dean when he mumbled, “I really didn’t mean to interrupt.”

“It’s fine, really. I’m… I’m glad you’re here.” Except for your terrible timing, he thought to himself. “Do you wanna, um, sit down?”

Well this was going to be even more awkward than he’d imagined…

Castiel nodded and took a seat on the sofa. Dean followed suit and slumped into his armchair.

“So, how’ve you been?” he asked, trying to hide his discomfort and to make conversation.

“Very good. Everything is so… different than I expected. Both in a good and bad way, there are so many stunning places but also so many beings that live in great miser-”

Not able to pull himself together any longer, Dean blurted out, “Where were you the whole time?!”

“I was in Russia when you prayed to me. You didn’t say it was urgent so I went back through Asia and visited a few of the places I already saw again. I didn’t think you would mind…” Cas said quietly, feeling like he’d done something wrong.

“Well, I did. I was… I was worried about you, okay?! Why didn’t you call me anymore?” Dean knew he was overreacting but he just couldn’t help it. There was so much he wanted to do, ask Cas what the hell he’d been thinking and why he had to show up now of all times, hug him, make sure he was alright, yell at him and so much more. Instead he tried to calm down and waited for an answer, wringing his hands.

“You didn’t want me to call you anymore,” Cas stated matter-of-factly. His eyes didn’t leave Dean’s for a second, it was like he looked right into his very being and Dean wanted to squirm.

When Dean realised what the angel had just said he gaped at him. “Wait, what? Why would you think that? I never said that!”

“Yes, but the more time I spent amongst humans the more I learned about their behaviour and expressions and I started to understand what they were thinking. You did not want me around so you send me away and you secretly didn’t want me to call you either so I stopped.”

“But…” Well, Cas wasn’t exactly wrong, after all Dean had wanted him gone. But how did he tell him this wasn’t the case anymore?

“It’s alright, Dean. I understand. A fallen angel is certainly not the company people would want. Don’t worry about it, I’m getting used to it.” Cas tried to fake a smile.

“So you didn’t stop ‘cause you didn’t, y’know, want to talk to me anymore or whatever?” Dean asked despondingly.

When Castiel answered his voice was quiet but firm and Dean knew he meant what he said. “No. I’ll never stop caring about you, you helped me and showed me how nice it can be on earth.”

Biting his lip, Dean took a deep breath. “Listen, I was a dick and I shouldn’t have sent you away,” he finally mumbled, staring at his hands, too embarrassed and scared to look Cas in the eyes. “And… you’re right. I wanted you gone ‘cause… ‘cause there was some crap I had to deal with. I’m sorry.”

Cas didn’t reply for a while. He just looked at Dean, trying to understand what he meant. Eventually he asked, “Does this…‘crap’ have anything to do with the nude female you were about to have intercourse with?”

With a snort Dean shook his head. “No, not really. She’s no one important, I just met her a couple hours ago.”

“I see.” Something like disappointment crossed Cas’s features when Dean risked a glance at his face.

“Hey, I… I didn’t think you’d come back, okay? I prayed to you like a week ago!”

“I am aware of that. I always come when you call, it just took me longer. I’m not your pet,” Cas added, and this time he sounded disgruntled.

Dean met Castiel’s eyes, confused and a little intimidated. After all he was still talking to an angel of the Lord. “Of course not. ‘m sorry, didn’t mean it that way… It’s just that I didn’t expect to see you again.” Especially considering his behaviour towards Cas.

“I forgive you.”

“Wha-? Uh, thanks, I guess…” He murmured, blushing again. “So, you saw some pretty cool places, huh?”

This time Cas’s smile was sincere. “Yes, I had a great time.”

Dean smiled back at him shyly. “Happy to hear that.”

“Why did you really call me?” Cas asked bluntly.

“I, um…” This was his chance, he just needed to take it. Nervously Dean licked his lips. “I wanted to see you again. It’s been quite a while, y’know… Wanted to make sure you’re okay.”

“I am okay.” Castiel nodded slowly as if to emphasise his words. “Do you want me to stay?”

‘Give it a shot if there’s an opportunity,’ Benny’s words echoed through Dean’s mind. This was his opportunity to get Cas back, to try again. Now or never. “I think I’d like that,” he said quietly with a lopsided smile.


	21. Chapter 21

It seemed like Cas had experienced more in the past few weeks than he had in millennia, anytime Dean wasn’t asleep or in the shower – the only times he had his peace – the angel kept on and on talking about everything he’d seen, everyone he had met and all the things he had experienced. Dean didn’t really mind the constant babbling; this way there wasn’t any uncomfortable silence and Castiel was satisfied with Dean occasionally asking a question and otherwise just listening.

One morning a few days after Cas had gotten back Dean had asked if he was sure he wanted to stay at his place and didn’t mind going back to the shelter, after all his travels sounded so much more exciting. Cas had just looked at him and told him he liked it here and he could always travel the world again in a few years. After all he had all the time in the world.

Apparently his friend at the shelter had been pretty happy about his return too and maybe Dean was a little jealous about the way Cas talked about her. When he told him she had suggested they’d go out together or at least have a drink – Cas had explained he didn’t know how to dance at all and wouldn’t feel comfortable and honestly, Dean had to keep himself from laughing at the thought of Cas dancing in some kind of club – and when Cas had still been hesitant she had suggested he could bring his roommate.

The evening had been awkward to say the least. Dean didn’t really like this Meg, she was just too blunt and pushy for his liking. Cas hadn’t drunk anything since everything just tasted horrible to him; Dean however had had one whiskey after the other, tired of watching Meg flirt with Cas the whole time.

After rather embarrassing two hours of small talk and Meg trying to get to know more about their ‘relationship’ (“So, how’d you guys meet?”, “And why did you decide to move in together?” and “Really, Clarence, I thought Dean would be SO different after all you told me about him – you know, Dean, he barely shuts up about you.”) Dean had had enough and said he was going to go home and get some sleep and Cas had immediately offered to get him home safely.

Dean had insisted it wasn’t necessary, he would get back on his own and wasn’t that drunk but Meg had just smirked and raised a brow, watching their discussion.

“Really, Cas, ‘m fine, you stay here with her. Meg, jus’ say somethin’, would ya?”

“Oh, I don’t mind.” She had shrugged, eyeing both men. “He was your boyfriend first, after all.”

Cas had looked even more confused than Dean who had muttered, “He… what, no… he’s not…”

Ignoring Dean’s weak protest, she’d winked at Cas and said, “Clarence, get him home, go. I’ll see you tomorrow.” But before they had left the bar, Meg had stopped Dean in the doorway and looked up at him with a smug grin. She’d pulled him down to whisper in his ear, “I know you want him but he’s fucking clueless. If you don’t take a chance I will, keep that in mind.”

Dean thought about those words on the whole way back to his apartment as he staggered through the streets with Cas preventing him from stumbling and falling several times. When they were back home, Dean fell face-first on his bed, still fully clothed.

“Hey, Cas,” he grumbled into the pillow.

“Yes?” The angel was standing next to the door, looking at Dean with worry. It couldn’t be healthy to drink that much.

Turning to look at Cas over his shoulder Dean slurred, “Y’know, you never tol’ me what you’re doin’ here. Like, why’re you on earth?”

Castiel buried his hands in the pockets of his trenchcoat and stayed quiet.

Dean rolled on his back and propped himself up on his elbows. “You mad at me?” he asked, not sure why Cas didn’t say anything. Had he somehow upset him by doing or saying something stupid earlier?

“No, I’m not mad at you. I just don’t want to talk about it,” Cas replied quietly. 

“But, like, ya make a mistake or somethin’?”

“Yes. A very serious mistake.” With those words the angel left Dean’s bedroom and quietly closed the door behind him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since I was bored and am already procrastinating and still sick I thought I'd write a little, so here you go - a pretty short chapter but well, I just wanted Meg to make an appearance and thought this was a good point to end it. Hope you like it :)


	22. Chapter 22

Even though Dean still wanted to know what had caused the other angels to cast Cas out he didn’t bring it up again since Cas clearly didn’t want to think much less talk about it and for once Dean didn’t dig deeper.

Being around Cas was hard, maybe even harder than before. Dean knew what he wanted – well, he was more or less certain about what exactly he wanted – but he had no idea how to get it across to Castiel. Hell, he didn’t even know if angels were capable of developing feelings for others. Not to mention the fact that even thinking about an angel in this way was probably a sin and would get him send straight to hell – which actually was a thing, Cas had told him once.

And if Dean had thought it couldn’t get any more frustrating he’d been wrong. Yes, he was jealous of the way Cas talked about Meg and he definitely hadn’t forgotten about her words. But what the hell was he supposed to do? It wasn’t like he could just go and tell the angel he might have a thing for him. That defintely wasn’t going to happen.

Instead he asked the angel about other things when they stayed up till late at night, Dean in his armchair, drinking a beer, Cas sitting on the couch, looking over at him. When Dean figured out Cas didn’t want to talk about what he’d done in heaven the whole time or if he had had certain responsibilities he had started asking if he had witnessed the creation of earth, had seen Noah and King David and Jesus, how the Bible and evolution theories matched up, how other religions fit into the picture, those kinds of things. Now and then Cas told him stories about the things he’d seen, talked for hours and explained that not everything was like it stood in the Bible, other times he barely answered in more than a few words.

Dean couldn’t help but get more and more intrigued by this angel living with him and eventually he had to admit that he really was falling for him.

His only problem was that he still had no clue how to handle it. After all, Dean knew how to chat up pretty much every girl, how to let his charm and looks work for him, but this… this was different. Not only would Castiel probably have no idea Dean was flirting with him – not that he’d tried so far but Cas definitely was oblivious of Meg’s attempts – but Dean had never thought about another guy like this before, much less tried to flirt with one. Not to mention that he had barely ever had more than one night stands, he just didn’t know how to handle something more serious.

***

The situation kept nagging Dean and Sam’s and Benny’s texts asking whether he’d finally talked to Cas didn’t help at all, they just made him more anxious. There had to be a way to broach the subject, after all he couldn’t just go ahead and tell Cas about his feelings or do something similarly stupid.

To Dean’s surprise an opportunity arose a short time later. 

He had been able to convince Cas to try on some of his clothes since his suit and trenchcoat had started smelling from being worn at the shelter every day and he wanted to wash them. Hesitantly Cas had changed into some of Dean’s jeans and a worn T-shirt and Dean had swallowed when Cas had come back into the living room dressed in his clothes.

“Y’know, maybe you should get some more clothes. People don’t wear the same stuff every day and your outfit is… unconventional for your place of work,” he’d suggested but Castiel was having none of it.

“I don’t want other clothes and I don’t see what is wrong with mine.”

To Dean’s arguments he’d just quietly answered, “These are the last things I have from heaven.”

“Alright, fine. But don’t you at least wanna wear something else tonight? Or maybe lose the coat for once? You look…good in jeans and a tee, y’know.”

“No, I don’t want to wear anything else, I like my clothes. Are you sure you don’t want to come with me tonight, though? It’s only a small charity event for the shelter but I’d be happy if you came,” Cas said and his words almost made Dean change his mind. Almost.

“You know I’m allergic to cats, Cas, ‘m sorry. Plus I don’t wanna get in your way, with Meg and all…” he muttered but Cas heard him anyway.

Narrowing his eyes at Dean, he asked, “What do you mean?”

“Nothing, forget about it.” Smooth, Dean, really smooth, he scolded himself mentally.

“No, I don’t understand -”

“She has a thing for you, okay?” Dean rolled his eyes at Cas’s unknowingness and added, “She likes you,” when he saw the angel still wasn’t following.

“I like her too, I just don’t understand why you think you’d get in my way because of this.”

With a frustrated sigh Dean explained, “She has a crush on you, Cas. Got it now?”

Cas tilted his head and looked at Dean with confusion. “How do you know that?”

“’cause it’s obvious. And she told me.”

“She told you?”

Dean shrugged. “Yeah. If you wanna know more, you gotta ask her,” he grumbled, crossing his arms.

“Are you angry about something?”

“No, why would you think that?”

“You sound like people do when they’re angry,” Castiel stated.

“Well, I’m not, now let it got.”

“I see…” Cas thought about Dean’s words for a while. “But Meg doesn’t even know I’m a fallen angel,” he said eventually.

“So…that would be a problem? An angel and a human together, I mean.”

“Well, Gabriel doesn’t care, but he’s an archangel and he only wants ‘a little fun now and then’ so it’s a bit different for him. He’s the exception to the rule, you could say. The other angels though, they’re not allowed…” Cas didn’t finish his sentence.

“So it’s a no-no?”

Burying his hands in the pockets of his borrowed jeans, Cas mumbled, “Yes, it is.”

“Huh.” Dean bit his tongue before a ‘dammit’ slipped past his lips. So there was no point in telling Cas after all. He shouldn’t even have gotten his hopes up just because the angel had decided to come back and stay with him. They were friends at most, if one could even call it that. Nothing more.


	23. Chapter 23

Dean had gone to bed when Cas still wasn’t back at three in the morning. He wasn’t really worried about him, the angel surely could take care of himself, after all he’d been travelling all around the world alone for a few weeks, but of course he couldn’t stop wondering if maybe Cas had gone home with Meg after the event. No, that was stupid. Cas had told him an angel and a human were not allowed to be together so why would he break the rule for her? She wasn’t that special.

And neither was Dean.

Nevertheless there still was this tiny bit of hope, this goddamn stupid, unreasonable hope that wouldn’t vanish that just perhaps Castiel might like him back. It was all Sam’s fault, Sam who’d said something about Cas looking at Dean in a certain way and Dean just couldn’t forget about it. And it made everything so much harder.

On the other hand, Cas technically wasn’t an angel anymore. Dean couldn’t help replaying their earlier conversation in his mind over and over again but no matter how he put it, Cas seemed to hold on to those stupid rules and frankly it pissed Dean off. The other angels had cast him out, for fuck’s sake, so why was he still even thinking about those stupid rules? He could do whatever he wanted, he was free – or fallen, depending on how one put it.

The sound of a creaking door and soft footsteps woke Dean some time later and for a moment he almost panicked until he realised it had to be Cas who had finally gotten back. Dean crawled out of bed and peeked out of his bedroom only to find the angel standing in front of the open wardrobe, peering inside.

“Hey, man, what’re you doing?” he mumbled in a rough voice, rubbing his eyes.

“Hello, Dean. I didn’t mean to wake you,” Cas apologised quietly. “I was just curious.”

Squinting at him, Dean suppressed a yawn and asked, “What do ya mean?”

“Why would you be in the closet?” Castiel turned around and looked at Dean with a questioning expression.

“Huh? What the hell are you talkin’ about?” Dean didn’t understand anything.

“Well, Meg said she is rather certain you are in the closet. I told her you always sleep in your bedroom but she just laughed.”

“Dude, what? I don’t get a single word you’re saying. What did she say? Gimme some kind of context or lemme get back to bed, okay? It’s too late for puzzles.”

“I talked to Meg about what you said. You remember, about her liking me in a romantic way. She told me when I get back I should talk to you because she is rather sure you have something else to tell me. And that you are probably in the closet.”

“What the…” Dean’s face grew hot. “Fucking hell, I’m too tired for that shit.” He turned around to get back into his bed.

“But why would you be in the closet?” That part especially remained a mystery to Cas.

“Just forget about it, Meg was talking shit. Thinks she’s funny or somethin’…”

“But she said it was urgent that I talk to you.”

“I bet she did but I need some sleep now. Night, Cas.” The door to his bedroom was closed firmly and a moment later Dean cuddled into his blanket again, face still burning. This stupid Meg. And screw Cas for telling her what he’d said and being this fucking clueless.

Hearing the wardrobe door being closed quietly, followed by footsteps, Dean buried his face in his pillow. No no no no no. Please, don’t let him insist on talking now, he prayed but it was to no avail. A soft knock, then the door opened.

“Meg told me you would react this way but that it was really bothering you a lot so I should do everything to talk to you and -”

“’m sleeping, Cas, leave me alone.”

“I know for a fact that you cannot be sleeping when you are clearly talking to me. What is bothering you, Dean? Can I be of any assistance?”

“Yeah, you could get out of my bedroom and let me sleep,” Dean growled, still not facing the angel. Why did he have to be this way?! Sometimes he almost hated Cas for his naivete.

A short pause, then Castiel asked, “Will you talk to me about it in the morning if I let you sleep now?”

“Yeah, yeah, sure, whatever. Just go.”

“Bottling up your feelings isn’t good, Dean. You should really talk about it,” Cas noted quietly before he left.

Dean snorted. Talk about feelings, sure. As if Cas even knew what that meant and how hard it was, especially when they weren’t reciprocated. He was so screwed. It looked like this would be yet another restless night because of the angel, after all Dean had to come up with something, some kind of excuse or other story, and fast. Castiel wouldn’t just let this go, that much was obvious.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... Chapter 23 and still going. Wow. I just wanted to say thanks again to all of you for reading this story and for all the kudos and lovely comments, I get so happy every time I see there are new ones! c: Also you might've noticed I finally rated this fic explicit and I have my reasons :)


	24. Chapter 24

Dean had tried to stay as quiet as possible as he restlessly turned from one side to the other, knowing Cas was apparently able to hear literally everything that was going on in Dean’s bedroom. Even when the rising sun had started filtering through the blinds he hadn’t been able to come up with an excuse yet, much less any other plan. At least he would have to go to work first so they wouldn’t end up having this stupid conversation until the evening if Dean managed to quickly slip out of the apartment before Cas caught him. It would give him a few more hours to think, even though he wasn’t sure if that was a good thing.

When it was time to get up Dean stayed in bed for a couple more minutes, deciding it was way better to pretend that he’d overslept and go without breakfast than having to face the angel now.

But much to his chagrin Cas knew his routine by now and after five minutes Dean heard a knock on his door, followed by a, “Dean, are you alright? I know you haven’t slept since I came home and are probably very tired but don’t you need to get up?”

Dean ignored Castiel’s words, mentally cursing him even though he couldn’t help but notice what he’d just said. “Home”. It seemed to come naturally and just for a moment Dean allowed himself to imagine what it would be like, how…

Focus. There were more important things he had to deal with right now. He didn’t even want to know how Cas knew he hadn’t slept all night, he’d probably been spying on his heartbeat again or listening to his breaths or something. Whatever the case may be, Dean’s mood actually managed to get even worse when the door opened and Cas stuck his head into the bedroom, a look of worry on his face.

“Are you sick?”

“No, just wanna sleep a little longer.”

“You haven’t slept,” Cas stated again. “Are you going to talk to me now?”

Suppressing an annoyed groan, Dean got out of bed and grabbed some clothes. “Not now, Cas, I gotta be at work in half an hour.” All he wanted was take a quick shower and then leave.

“That is plenty of time to talk to me.” Obviously Cas wasn’t ready to give in that easily.

“Well, maybe I don’t want to. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna hit the shower.” With that Dean tried to squeeze past the angel but to his surprise Cas blocked his way. “Oh c’mon, really?!”

“You said we would have this conversation today. What are -” But Cas was cut off mid-sentence.

“Yeah, well, not now. As you already know, I haven’t slept very well and right now you’re pissing me off so get out of my way and let me take a shower.” Finally Dean managed to shove Cas a few inches back and slipped past him into the living room but before he could reach the bathroom and slam the door shut behind himself he felt Cas’s hand on his shoulder, holding him back gently.

“What are you afraid of, Dean?” he asked quietly, his voice full of patience and sympathy.

“I don’t know what the hell you’re talkin’ about,” Dean growled but he was unable to bring himself to shrug Castiel’s hand off.

“You’re clearly distressed and something is bothering you a lot. Please, I just want you to talk to me, perhaps I can help. I had no idea it was this bad when Meg told me to talk to you about your problem,” Cas added quietly.

“It’s not bad, Cas, it’s… forget about it, okay?”

“I don’t believe this is true. And how could I forget about it when it affects you like this? I don’t want you to suffer, I’m sure there’s a solution.”

“No, there isn’t,” Dean gritted and glared at the angel over his shoulder. “Just forget about it, I already did.”

“Even though human memory isn’t very good I doubt this is possible when it’s something that causes you such sorrow.”

Whirling around to face Cas, Dean almost yelled, “God, can you just stop?!” He immediately regretted his reaction when Castiel winced and took a step back. “’m sorry, just really need a shower ‘n some coffee,” he grumbled and rushed into the bathroom, closing the door with more force than necessary.

Great. There weren’t many ways he could’ve fucked up this situation even worse. Dreading what Cas might say or do all Dean wanted was to stay in the bathroom forever. Eventually he heard Cas’s voice over the pouring water.

“Dean, could I just -”

“Don’t you dare come in here!”

“No, I just wanted to use your… glowing thing for a moment, if I might?”

The hell was the guy talking about? Dean gritted his teeth and shook his head, who cared. He had bigger problems right now.

“Dean?”

“Yeah, whatever.” Just a few more minutes of peace, giving himself a mental pep talk and maybe Cas would be so distracted that Dean could just disappear to work – yeah, right, who was he kidding.

When he was done and had finally worked up the nerve to go back into the living room again Dean found Cas sitting on the sofa, immediately looking up at him as he emerged from the bathroom. Before Cas could say anything, Dean raised his hand and warned, “I’m not gonna talk to you right now so don’t even try.”

Completely ignoring his words, Cas stood up and asked, “What does you not being heterosexual have to do with me?”

Dean gaped at the angel for several seconds, not able to think straight – no pun intended – before he managed a weak “Excuse me?” Only then did he spot his open laptop on the coffee table in front of the couch. The glowing thing. Fuck.

“How is your sexuality related to me?” Cas rephrased, clearly expecting an answer. If only the angel knew, Dean almost snorted. But the situation was anything but funny. In fact, he was even more screwed than before, and definitely not in the good way.

“So you figured out how to use a computer while you were gone, huh?” What a pathetic attempt to change the topic, even Cas had to realise that. After all he was just naïve and a little clueless, not downright stupid, and he just stared at Dean with those fucking blue eyes and god dammit, he couldn’t do it. He just couldn’t. Biting his lip he desperately tried to come up with something, anything, but his mind was blank.

“Don’t try lying to me, I know when you’re not telling the truth,” Cas said quietly and rounded the coffee table, stopping maybe three feet away from Dean. “What is it you’re so worried about, Dean? Not being heterosexual is nothing shameful, in fact God is utterly indifferent to sexual orientation, and so are all angels.”

Now Dean really snorted and scoffed, “Yeah, great. What a relief. Now are you actually gonna let me go to work?”

“What are you afraid of?”

The same question as earlier, and again this word. Afraid. Yes, maybe it was fear that tightened Dean’s throat and his stomach, that made him feel sick. That made him unable to look Cas in the eyes because he was sure if he met them now the angel would know everything.

It was fear of rejection, fear of the inevitable.

“Dean, please.” The whispered words sent a shiver down Dean’s spine and he clenched his teeth and squeezed his eyes shut. There was no way he could tell Cas. He didn’t want him to leave and even if Cas staying here and Dean secretly longing for him was torture, never seeing him again would be so much worse, he knew that by now and he was ready to admit that to himself. To himself and no one else.

A sudden brush of fingers, a soft touch on his chin and Dean’s eyes snapped open just before Cas closed the space between them and Dean was utterly lost. Lost as Castiel’s lips softly pressed against his in the briefest, most chaste and simultaneously most stunning kiss he’d ever had.

When Cas pulled back again to look at him Dean could do nothing but stare back and croak out, “Why?”


	25. Chapter 25

He was going to hell. Oh, he was so going to hell. And it wasn’t even his fault, not this time, because for once he had actually pulled himself together and he wouldn’t have told Cas anything. But the idiot had just kissed him and Dean couldn’t wrap his mind around why on earth he’d do that.

When Cas didn’t answer, Dean swallowed. “W-why?” he asked again, his voice shaky and a little hoarse.

Cas smiled shyly though it looked a little tense and shrugged. “I thought maybe then you’d finally talk to me. Unless…” His smile faded.

“Unless what?” God, why did he sound so breathless and scared?

“Unless I read the signs wrong,” Cas said, now looking almost as flustered as Dean probably did.

“The hell are you talking about?” Dean had a vague idea. He bit his lip, wanting nothing more than to leave and not have this conversation – or pin Cas against the nearest wall and kiss him back, either one was fine, really, as long as there wasn’t any talking involved. But at the same time he needed to know what this was about, he knew it would drive him insane otherwise.

“Your heart beats faster when I am around, your breathing changes and sometimes your pupils dilate and you blush lightly. I thought that…” Cas paused, choosing his next words carefully. “I thought that those signs, Meg’s hints and you not being heterosexual might mean that you are attracted to me,” he finished quietly, his gaze darting to Dean’s lips for a split second before looking into his eyes again.

Well, now Dean was officially fucked. There was no point denying it, not with his heart pounding frantically, his palms sweaty and his voice trembling, so he just gritted his teeth and stared at the ground, wishing he was anywhere but here. One thing he still couldn’t understand, though: Why had Castiel kissed him instead of confronting him forthrightly about his suspicion? It didn’t make any sense. It was hard to think with the angel still looking straight at him but eventually Dean realised Cas was actually expecting an answer. Taking a shaky breath he briefly glanced at Cas’s face before looking away again and mumbling, “I’m sorry, Cas, I never… I never meant to, y’know, uh… just… I’m sorry. Can we just forget about it?” he pleaded quietly. “I’m really… I tried to fight it, okay? But I’d never, um, force myself on you or anything, don’t worry ‘bout that. Not that I could, I mean, you’re an angel and way stronger than me and…” God fucking dammit, he needed to shut the fuck up. “I’m sorry, I gotta get to work.”

Without waiting for Cas’s reaction he rushed past him and was out the door and on the street in no more than two seconds.

Cas knew. Fuck.

Dean had no idea how he was supposed to survive this day, much less look Castiel in the eye ever again. If the angel was still in his apartment when he got back, that was. Dean wouldn’t blame him if he just disappeared without a trace.

At work he couldn’t even fool himself, it was obvious he wasn’t paying attention to his tasks and was constantly lost in thought. Jo mocked him for a while, trying to get him to tell her what was going on and Bobby got so annoyed with Dean that he rebuked him and finally sent him home early when he realised Dean was good for nothing today.

After he’d washed the grease off his hands Dean left the auto shop, simultaneously dreading to get home and praying Cas was still there. He had no clue what to tell Cas other than he wouldn’t let all of this stand in the way of their friendship if Cas wanted to stay and that he’d surely get over it eventually, even though he was pretty sure that would be a lie.

He hesitated outside his apartment, keys in hand but unable to bring himself to open the door but it wasn’t necessary as it was pulled open from inside and a pair of familiar blue eyes looked up at him.

“You’re home early,” Cas noted. “Come in, please.”

“Uh, yeah. Hi…” Dean mumbled awkwardly and shuffled past the angel and into the living room, ignoring the voice in his head scoffing at him because he had just been invited into his own home. “You’re still here.”

For once Castiel didn’t get into Dean’s personal space as he followed him into the room and stopped a couple feet away. “Where else would I be?”

The question surprised Dean. “Well, I thought, um, since you know…”

“I actually wanted to talk to you about that,” Cas said calmly.

Shit. “Listen, it’s no big deal, really, I can -”

“No, I want you to listen to me and answer my questions.”

“Cas, please…”

“Of which nature are your feelings towards me?” the angel asked bluntly.

Dean gulped and stared at his hands for a few moments. Finally he mustered up the courage to mumble, “If I answer your questions, you gonna answer one, too?” Actually he had a lot of questions – like how horrible would his punishment in hell be for longing for an angel or whether angels could actually love other beings or why the fuck Cas even cared about angelic rules anymore – but there was one that really needed to be answered.

Castiel thought about that, then nodded slowly. “If it’s a question I’m allowed to answer, yes.”

“Great.” Dean snorted. “What kind of stuff aren’t you allowed to tell me?”

“The meaning of life, for example. But that’s not the point right now. How do you really feel about me, Dean?”

“Thought you’d already figured that out yourself,” Dean grumbled and absently rubbed at a smudge on his shirt.

“I am quite certain you are attracted to me but is this attraction purely physical?”

Wow, what a way to ask that question. If he hadn’t felt this miserable Dean might actually have laughed. Instead he only shook his head.

“I want you to tell me, Dean.” Cas actually had the audacity to step closer.

A short clench of teeth, then Dean murmured, “No, it’s not. I… I like you, I guess.”

Cas stayed quiet for a while and Dean darted a glance at him. “You gonna say anything? ‘cause if not, I want you to tell me something.”

“What is it?”

“Why’d you kiss me? You could’ve just told me you knew what was going on with me. Was that… some kind of test or some shit?!” That was the only explanation Dean had been able to come up with.

“No, it wasn’t. I appreciate you being honest with me, Dean, especially since you are ‘in the clo-‘”

“Cut the crap and tell me,” Dean demanded. He had to know what the fuck the angel had been thinking.

“If you would be so kind and let me finish I will do just that,” Cas told him, clearly annoyed by Dean’s behaviour. “As I was about to say, I really appreciate you being honest with me so I am going to tell you the truth as well.” He licked his lips and Dean could have sworn that now he was nervous as well. “I kissed you because I wanted you to finally talk to me and say the truth. And also because I wanted to know what it feels like to kiss someone I really like,” he said softly as he stepped right in front of Dean.

It took Dean several seconds to process what Cas had just said, then he looked up and met the angel’s eyes, a bewildered look on his face. “You’re… you’re messing with me, right?”

“I would never do that.”

“But you… I… What the hell? Why? Seriously, Cas, why?”

“Why what?” Cas squinted at him in confusion.

“Why would you like me? I’m human and you’re not and you said that humans and angels aren’t allowed to be together and why me? Why would you like me of all people?!”

“You are forgetting one very important thing,” Castiel reminded him quietly, “and that is that I’m not an angel anymore. Those rules don’t apply to fallen angels.” A faint, sad smile appeared on Cas’s face and he gently cupped Dean’s cheek. “You know, I still don’t completely understand you. I just don’t see why you think about yourself the way you do, why you run yourself down like this. I just don’t understand it. You are an amazing and extraordina-”

“Don’t,” Dean cut him off. “Stop, please.”

“Dean, you deserve people who truly care about you. And you deserve happiness, believe me. I like you because of who you are as a person and I would never make fun of you by pretending to have feelings I don’t actually have.”

It was too good to be true, Dean knew that, but this tiny bit of hope he’d somehow cherished made him want to believe in Cas’s words. “Prove it,” he choked out, and for once Cas immediately understood.

A warm hand cupped the back of Dean’s neck and pulled him down while the other one gently stroked his cheek as Cas kissed him for the second time, innocent but earnest. “I meant every word I said,” the angel whispered against Dean’s lips before kissing him again and finally Dean let himself go and kissed Cas back as his arms wrapped around Cas’s waist and he pulled him close.

If this was some sort of cruel joke or maybe another dream Dean didn’t care, for now at least. He savoured the feeling of Castiel’s firm, warm body against his own and the taste of him on his lips, memorised the way Cas held on to his shirt only to pull him even closer and the soft moans that left the angel’s lips as their kisses grew more passionate.

If this were his last moment on earth Dean couldn’t have been happier, even though the tiny voice in the back of his mind wouldn’t stop telling him he didn’t deserve any of this and it could impossibly be real.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaah I just can't stop writing no matter how much I have to do and it's literally almost 5 in the morning but I had to finish this chapter and my sleep schedule is fucked anyway so here you go, I just had to include Dean's self esteem issues but I really hope you like this one anyway *hides*


	26. Chapter 26

It was strange, different than kissing women. Castiel’s stubble scratched over Dean’s chin and Dean could definitely get used to that, just like he could get used to wrapping his arms around broad shoulders and tangling his fingers in short, tousled hair or feeling a muscular body beneath his hands. Honestly, it was turning him on way more than it should. 

Although he shouldn’t even think about getting used to this, he knew it couldn’t last anyway.

One more kiss, then Dean drew back to look Cas in the eyes but before he could say anything Cas asked, “What’s wrong? Didn’t I do it correctly? Was it bad?”

“No. No, Cas, it was good, really. It’s just… This isn’t gonna work, even if you meant it and really had… feelings for me or whatever,” he mumbled.

A bitter expression appeared on Cas’s face and he clenched his jaw as he took a step forward, then another one until he had backed Dean up against the wall, staring up at him. “I told you I meant it. And since you’re clearly wondering about this, yes, angels can have feelings for others, and they are so much more intense here on earth,” he told Dean, his words quiet but firm. “I like you, Dean, and I don’t quite understand why you might be astonished but I would like to stay with you if you’d have me.”

Dean shook his head slightly, this was too good to be true and he had a hard time believing Castiel’s words. ‘If you’d have me.’ Of course Dean would – but at what cost? It would never work out, Cas was a freaking angel and Dean was, well, nobody. Sooner or later – most likely sooner rather than later – Cas would get tired of him, realise he only liked Dean because he’d helped him and taken him in when he’d had no one else and that what he apparently was believing to be romantic feelings had been nothing but gratefulness.

Still he couldn’t help it, deep down Dean wanted it to be true and he didn’t want this thing between them to end before it really had started. Perhaps he should give it a chance.

What was the worst thing that could happen?

The answer was clear: Cas leaving him and Dean staying here heartbroken and alone again.

Before Dean could dwell on dark thoughts even longer Cas cleared his throat. “Are you going to say anything?”

“I just don’t understand why you’d want me,” Dean muttered quietly. “I’m nothing special and -”

The kiss cut him off mid-sentence. Cas rested his hands on the wall behind Dean and moved even closer, pressing his lips against Dean’s until Dean went limp against him and kissed back. “You’re the most special person I’ve ever seen so shut up,” Cas said firmly and Dean gaped at him.

“Did you just…?” It was more surprise than anything else that had Dean stare at Castiel in disbelief.

“Meg always tells me to shut up when she wants me to stop thinking or talking about something and when she wants to end a discussion,” the angel explained, almost apologetically. That explained a lot. “Why can’t you just accept it? I thought you liked me too, don’t you?”

“Yeah, but…” ‘…you’re too good for me,’ Dean thought but didn’t say it out loud.

“No ‘but’,” Cas growled. “Stop running yourself down and for once just accept what I told you. I mean it. Every word of it.” With that he cupped Dean’s face, stood up on tiptoes and softly kissed him on the forehead – and Dean actually blushed like a freaking kid with his very first crush.

“So, if you don’t mind I would like to make this official,” Cas declared, a little flustered himself. “Dean, do you want to be with me? Like a couple, of course, I mean, uh… Do you want to be my boyf- Why are you laughing?!”

Dean just couldn’t stop himself, he started chuckling and rested his head against Cas’s shoulder as the laughter increased, holding on to the angel’s trenchcoat. This was definitely the strangest thing that had ever happened to him in his entire life and he didn’t know how else to cope with it. “You’re the… the weirdest fucking person ever… and who… who told you gotta… ask someone… like this?” he gasped in between laughs, desperately trying to pull himself together. 

“Well, in the movies…” Suddenly Cas felt utterly stupid.

Shaking his head Dean bit his lip but he couldn’t hide his smile. “So, boyfriend, huh?” he asked when he’d finally managed to calm down again, instantly serious again when the facts sank back in.

“Yes, only if you want to, of course,” Cas mumbled, cheeks tinted a faint pink, too.

“And how do you suppose that’s going to work?”

Castiel tilted his head. “I don’t understand.”

“Cas, you’re practically immortal and I’m not,” Dean reminded him softly. “Dammit, you don’t even age. How do you wanna explain that when I’m like 50 or 60 or 70 and you still look like a frickin’ teenager? People are gonna wonder what the hell’s going on, and they’re gonna judge if they see us together. It’s not gonna work.”

The angel looked like Dean had just hit him. “We will find a solution,” he eventually replied quietly. “We can make it work if we both want to. I don’t want to leave you.”

“You know I’ll die in a few decades, right? Hell, I could die tomorrow, get run over by a truck or something. And you’re gonna be all alone again.” Dean knew it was the painful truth but he regretted the words as soon as he’d said them.

“You don’t want to be with me,” Cas whispered, slouching his shoulders and taking a step back, away from Dean.

“No, I just… I just don’t want you to realise someday that you’ve made a mistake.”

“I can’t possibly make bigger mistakes than I’ve already made. At least that’s what everyone in heaven told me.”

Dean wanted to ask, wanted – no, needed – to know what Castiel had done but he knew it wasn’t the right moment. Instead he sighed quietly, pushing his doubts and fears to the back of his mind. Fuck it. He carefully reached for Cas’s hand and gently tugged at it to make Cas look at him. “You serious about this?”

“Yes, I am. I am also very aware of the problems this might cause but -”

“Yes,” Dean interrupted him and intertwined their fingers.

“Excuse me?”

“Yes, I wanna be with you.” His heart skipped a beat when Cas pulled him into a deep kiss without a warning. Maybe he could forget about the problems and consequences or the bad things that could happen. Maybe Cas was right and it would work out, they’d find a solution to everything. Maybe it was a risk worth taking.

But there was something else that kept nagging Dean and when he broke the kiss to catch his breath he gathered all his courage. “Can I ask you something?”

“Of course,” Cas smiled warmly at him. “What is it?”

“You ever… had feelings for someone else? Another angel?”

Immediately Cas looked extremely offended. “They are my brothers and sisters, Dean.”

“Yeah, right, uh, sorry, I didn’t mean…” he trailed off, feeling another blush creep from his neck to his cheeks, but eventually dared to ask, “What about humans, then?”

When Cas didn’t answer right away and averted his eyes Dean knew there was something he wasn’t telling him when he finally said, “No. I have never had this kind of feelings for anyone.”

“Hey, I wouldn’t be mad or anything.”

“It’s the truth, Dean,” Castiel said and met his gaze. “It’s only you. No one else. And there will only be you, always.”

If possible Dean blushed even more and joked, “You always this sappy?” Before Cas could be offended again Dean wrapped his free arm around Cas’s shoulders and pressed a long, gentle kiss to his lips.

He would give it a shot, he just had to – or he would never forgive himself.


	27. Chapter 27

“Glad to see you’re in a better mood,” Bobby remarked gruffly the next morning, “hope you’re gonna do your job today.”

With an apologetic look Dean gave a short nod and a “Yessir” and disappeared towards the classic he was currently working on. He was trying his hardest to look normal but he couldn’t help the soft smiles every time he thought back to last night’s kisses – and he actually managed not to think about all the problems they would face sooner or later.

“Hey, Winchester, what’s up with you? Finally got laid again?” Of course Jo had to poke her nose in his business again, smug grin and everything, and Dean wasn’t surprised at all.

“If so you’d be the last person on earth I’d talk to about it,” he replied and got into his overall.

“Aw, c’mon, don’t be like that. I’m just happy you’re not grumpy anymore. So?”

“None of your business.”

No way he’d tell Jo about Cas. Not yet at least. He hadn’t even told Sam, something he wanted to do after work. And his sex life definitely was none of Jo’s business, especially if it involved guys.

Oh god.

He didn’t even know if he could do that. Sure, he wanted to, had dreamed about it countless times (including the one time a fricking archangel had appeared and dream-cockblocked him, thank you very much, he was probably never going to get over that) but actually having sex with a guy was something else entirely. And work was probably one of the worst places to think about that.

Avoiding Jo wasn’t an option, not with her working on the car next to his like she did most days, but he managed to ignore her remarks and teasings. Instead he tried to figure out how to tell Sam what had happened the previous night. Perhaps he should text Benny too, his best friend was bugging him about it the whole time anyway and would probably be mad if Dean didn’t tell him. He decided to take care of it during his break.

When the time had come he looked for a quiet place in the back of the shop and called his brother. As soon as he’d picked up, Dean started rambling, “Hey, Sammy, uh, you got any plans for tonight? ‘cause I thought we could grab dinner somewhere and talk, y’know, and I just wanted to see you again an-”

“Breathe, Dean, okay?” Sam interrupted him. “You alright?”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine.”

“You talk to him?”

“Can we just meet tonight?” Dean asked impatiently. He didn’t want to talk about it here, not when Jo could be somewhere close by and overhear him.

“Alright, fine. Seven at the roadhouse?” That wasn’t any better.

“No, not there! Uh, you know someplace else?”

Sam sighed audibly and suggested a bar he’d heard some classmates talk about. Dean agreed and hung up, looking around nervously. Luckily none of his co-workers seemed to be anywhere within earshot. Then he dialled another number and after half a minute a familiar, female voice answered.

“Meg? It’s Dean. Um, is Cas there?”

“Sure is. But first, tell me what you did to that guy, would ya?”

“Huh? What’re you talking about?”

“He’s on cloud nine and even more obnoxiously happy than usually. Don’t tell me you finally got the balls to tell him about your little gay crush.”

For a moment Dean wasn’t sure what to say, he couldn’t even be offended by Meg’s words – all he could think was ‘Cas is happy because of me’. Only when Meg cleared her throat he realised he hadn’t answered yet. “Just, uh, told him I’d go to a ‘save the bees’ rally with him. Can I talk to him now?”

“As if. Even though I didn’t think you’d actually have the balls,” she scoffed, then she put a hand over the receiver and yelled, “Clarence! Your boyfriend’s on the phone, get your cute ass over here!” loud enough for Dean to hear every word anyway.

It took Cas a few moments to get to the phone and he sounded a little breathless when he said, “Dean? Did you tell Meg that we are together?”

“Dude, no. Don’t ask me where she got that from. Anyway, I called to let you know that I’ll be home a little later tonight. I’m gonna meet Sam after work and have dinner with him.”

“Okay, I understand. Do you know when you’ll be home yet? And do you want me to record Dr Sexy for you?”

Dean smiled. “No, I think I’ll be home before it starts, but thanks. See you tonight.”

“Dean, wait – do you think I should talk to Meg?”

“Yeah, tell her not to be such a pain in the ass,” Dean grumbled. “Gotta go back to work, okay? Bye.”

“Goodbye. See you this evening.” The sound of Cas’s voice had Dean thinking about cancelling his plans with Sam to get back to the angel as fast as possible but he wanted to get this over with.

***

A couple hours later he unlocked the door to his apartment and kicked off his boots. “Hey there,” he said softly and smiled at Castiel sitting on his couch, absorbed in a book – the Odyssey, Dean realised.

“Hello, Dean.” Immediately Cas set the book away and got up. Dean was a little befuddled when Cas hugged him, he still had to get used to this. “Did you and your brother have a nice evening?”

“Yeah. I actually told him. Y’know, about us.”

Cas’s eyes widened a little. “You did?”

“Mhm. I wanted him to know, and I guess I also wanted to show you that I’m taking this seriously…” Dean mumbled, glancing at Cas nervously.

In the next moment Cas cupped Dean’s face with his hands and pulled him down to kiss him. He drew away way too soon for Dean’s taste. “Do you want to watch your TV show now? It should start any moment.”

“Only if you watch it with me. Or at least stay on the couch with me,” he added when he noticed Cas’s eyes darting to the book on the coffee table. “Where’d you get this, anyway?”

“I found it in one of the shelves. I didn’t mean to look through your things, I just didn’t feel like watching TV and noticed the spine between your records. This version is quite interesting but Homer didn’t really stick to the facts and actual events,” he told Dean.

“You gotta tell me all about that after the episode, okay?” With a contented sigh Dean switched on the TV, took a seat on the sofa and patted the empty space next to him until Cas sat down, picking up his book again. Dean tried to concentrate on the newest events and scandals happening in Dr Sexy’s universe but this time they didn’t quite manage to capture his attention, instead he glanced over to the angel next to him more than he actually looked at the TV screen. He couldn’t quite believe this guy – this angel – liked him too and he could reach out right then to kiss him or just run his fingers through his hair or caress his cheek or hold his hand.

God, he was so fucking sentimental. But honestly, he didn’t give a fuck as long as no one was around to see him like this – no one except for Cas, of course. Dean started memorising the way he squinted at some passages as he read, shook his head in disbelief at others and occasionally smiled, probably remembering long deceased heroes. He would have to ask how Odysseus really had been and about all those monsters, they had always been one of Dean’s favourite parts.

Eventually he moved a little closer and leaned his head against Cas’s shoulder. “Are you sure you want to stay with me? Here?” he asked quietly, staring blankly at the letters.

“How often do you want me to tell you that I do? I like it here and every place is perfect as long as you’re with me.” Cas carefully closed the book and turned his head to place a kiss in Dean’s hair. “I’m not going to leave.”

“Don’t make promises you can’t keep,” Dean said quietly.

“I don’t, I mean it.” Wrapping an arm around Dean’s shoulder Cas pulled him closer. “You know, there was something I wanted to ask you.”

Dean looked up at him. “What is it?”

“I wondered if you would let me stay in your bedroom while you sleep.” When Dean looked at him incredulously he quickly added, “If it’s not too much to ask and if it’s not going too fast for you, that is.”

Sitting up, Dean narrowed his eyes at Cas in irritation. “Why?”

“I know you said it’s creepy if I watch over you but… I could just read, you know? I like being close to you,” the angel admitted softly.

Dean thought about it for a while, the TV completely forgotten. “Only if you don’t stare at me the whole night. And no touching me while I’m asleep, got it? And if I talk in my sleep you have to forget about it and can never mention it to anybody.”

“You know I can hear you talk in your sleep when I’m in the living room too. And when you mumble my name while you’re dreaming I can hear it even when I’m thousands of miles away. By the way, what are you dreaming about me?”

“Not the point, Cas, and my dreams are none of your business, they’re private,” Dean grumbled. “Stop being such a nitpicker. You got what I meant, right?”

“Yes. No watching or touching, I can do that.”

Dean shrugged seemingly nonchalantly. “Alright. Guess we can give it a shot.”

Castiel beamed at him. Even if Dean dreamed about him again and mumbled embarrassing things in his sleep this made it worth it.

“Now you missed almost the entire episode,” Cas informed him a moment later, glancing over at the TV for a split second.

“So what? There’s something way more interesting to look at right in front of me,” Dean replied with a grin, “and he’s a lot cuter than Dr Sexy.” He leaned forward to close the space between them and kissed Cas, a smile still on his lips.

Yes, Dean Winchester officially was totally sappy when it came to the angel. His angel.


	28. Chapter 28

“Hey, Cas, I thought we could do something this weekend. You know, go somewhere, the movies maybe, what do you think?” Dean had suggested a few days later when they sat on the sofa together, Cas leaning against him, reading another one of Dean’s books. The angel had smiled at Dean and it hadn’t taken long until they had come to an agreement.

This was why they were here now, strolling around, stopping every few feet because Cas wanted to look at something. Dean couldn’t remember the last time he’d been at the zoo but Castiel wanted to see exotic animals he’d seen on his journey again – and of course he wanted to talk to them and find out if they liked being in cages and enclosure which he couldn’t quite comprehend, in his opinion they needed to be free and in their natural environment, even though he understood the point of conservation of endangered species.

It was like watching a child on Christmas morning, he never stopped chattering, when he wasn’t talking to Dean he was speaking with the animals and every time they left a compound he said goodbye and promised to come back. Dean slowly started getting used to the odd looks his boyfriend – a word he’d never thought he’d use in this context in his entire life – got from strangers.

“Dean, did you know they have a baby penguin here?” Cas suddenly asked with excitement and immediately continued, “We NEED to see it!”

Dean smirked, ignoring the visitors around them. “Did the sea lion just tell you that?”

“Of course she did, she said it is absolutely adorable. Come on, let’s go!” Before he turned into the direction of the penguins Cas politely thanked the sea lions and waved goodbye, then he grabbed Dean’s sleeve and pulled him with him. He was so excited and Dean could only look at him and smile, he loved imagining what Cas was like on his trips all over the world, and his excitement was infectious.

The baby penguin and its parents really were adorable, and Cas almost freaked out when he realised they weren’t really its parents but a gay penguin couple raising it because its real parents had abandoned it. “Aren’t they just lovely?” he almost cooed. “See, this is one of the reasons why God doesn’t mind homosexuality at all, otherwise abandoned baby animals wouldn’t survive in the wilderness because no one would take care of them and these penguins love it like their own.”

“Didn’t the sea lion tell you they were both males?” Dean asked, genuinely confused.

“Why would she? Animals are completely indifferent to homosexuality too, it didn’t make a difference to her.” Cas shrugged and Dean had to admit he had a point.

“Well, I’m glad they are, at least they won’t care about this.” Dean took Cas’s hand and interlaced their fingers as they watched the penguins merrily jumping into the water, swimming around and grooming themselves and each other. He leaned down and pecked Cas on the cheek and the angel smiled at him.

“Don’t you mind the people looking at us?” he asked Dean after a while as he noticed some of the other visitors paying them more attention than the animals, clearly disdainful.

“Nah, I don’t,” Dean replied earnestly. Another unexpected turn, he had to admit, but he couldn’t care less about what other people thought. Not anymore.

“Y’know, we could quickly grab the penguin and take it home, raise it ourselves,” he mumbled in Castiel’s ear with a grin.

“Dean, I don’t believe we would be proper penguin parents, you wouldn’t even understand him,” Cas replied seriously. “And I’m sure his fathers would miss him very much, not to mention that we don’t have the resources and the right environment to raise a penguin. It wouldn’t be the right thing to do.”

“Relax, Cas, I was joking.”

“Oh.” Squeezing Dean’s hand lightly Cas tilted his head as he watched the penguins, thinking for a moment. “Maybe we could get a more appropriate pet, a budgie or a hamster or something. Or just adopt a human baby.”

Dean gaped at him, completely speechless, until Cas looked up and smiled innocently. “I was joking too.”

“Fucker,” Dean muttered under his breath, shaking his head.

Grinning at him cheerfully, Cas replied, “Not yet.”

“I’m starting to think Meg is a bad influence on you, angel.”

“Who says it’s Meg and not you?” Castiel deadpanned.

With a nudge in Cas’s side Dean grumbled, “Tryin’ to be rebellious, huh?”

“I already am, otherwise I wouldn’t be here.”

“Y’know, maybe you should start dressing appropriately. We should see what you look like as punk.” Dean winked and gently pulled at Cas’s hand. “C’mon, let’s move on, okay? We can come back later if you want to but I’m starving.”

They walked over to the hot dog stand together and Cas watched as Dean ate a hot dog, commenting on his rather unhealthy food choices to which Dean only responded with a grunt and by shoving half of the hot dog into his mouth at once.

Hand in hand, the two men continued their stroll through the zoo. Of course Cas had to go into the petting zoo as well and just dragged Dean with him, completely ignoring his protests of being “too old for this kinda stuff, look, there’s only small kids and their moms.” Dean heaved an exaggerated sigh, arms crossed and looking slightly embarrassed as Cas talked to some of the goats who flocked to him. He couldn’t completely disregard the looks strangers gave Castiel when he clearly talked to every single animal and he couldn’t dismiss other worries.

“You’re such a weirdo,” Dean teased when he finally managed to convince the angel that it was time to leave, after all Cas still wanted to visit the nocturnal animals and it was getting late, the zoo would be closing soon.

“So, I wanted to talk to you about something,” he said quietly when they reached the building.

Cas looked at him with worry in his eyes. This usually wasn’t good, he’d learned as much from movies. “About us?”

“Yeah. Here, c’mon.” Dean sat down on a bench in the dark, opposite of the elephant shrews’ compound, and pulled Cas down next to him. “You noticed people look at us, right?”

“Yes, I did, but I thought it didn’t bother you?”

“It doesn’t but… what about someday? I mean let’s just assume for a moment we’d stay together an-”

“That’s nothing you have to assume, I am going to stay with you.”

“Cas, let me finish, okay? So we assume this is permanent, what do we tell people? They might not immediately notice that you don’t age but in a couple of years people will start wondering why you still look like 18 even though you should be in your mid-twenties. They’ll get suspicious. And eventually strangers might think you’re my way younger… lover or something or even my son. That might cause even more problems.”

Castiel listened in silence and tipped his head to the side. “Which people exactly are you talking about?”

Dean shrugged. “Sam, mostly. My friends and colleagues. Your co-workers. They’ll notice someday. They’re neither dumb nor blind.”

For a while Cas stayed quiet, thinking about it and considering possible solutions and their consequences. Eventually he turned to look at Dean and asked, “How much do you trust your brother?”

“Uh, completely…” Not sure where this was leading Dean added, “Why’re you asking?”

“We should tell him.”

“Huh? Cas, I told you I already talked to him about us, he’s -”

“No. We should tell him who I am. What I am.” He paused for a moment, taking Dean’s hands in his own. “I am very serious about this relationship, even if you might not completely believe me when I say that I won’t leave you even when you get older, and if you are, too – and I am aware that I am asking a lot of you with this – we should tell your brother what I am.”

It took Dean a moment to process Castiel’s words, then he hugged him tightly. “God, why are you so perfect?” he mumbled into Cas’s trenchcoat. Staying together with Cas all his life seemed somewhat scary and rather unrealistic, Dean was aware of that, but at that moment it was all he wanted.

“I really am not. Maybe I’ll tell you someday,” the angel replied so quietly Dean almost didn’t catch it.

“What do you mean?”

“That’s not important right now. Should we set up a meeting with Sam for tomorrow? I would like to officially get to know him anyway.”

“Alright, let’s do that.” He’d find out Cas’s secret eventually, Dean was sure about that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, I'm sick again, yay, so I continued writing and apparently I don't only take forever to write a chapter when I'm sick, no, I need even more fluff than usual - no one can stop me and I'm not sorry at all! Anyway, hope you liked this chapter, have some baby penguins and gay penguin parents (and I refuse to say that might be foreshadowing, just - penguins!)


	29. Chapter 29

Cas was nervous, he couldn’t get the measure of Sam and not knowing how he might react and if he’d even believe him frightened him.

“Calm down, okay? It’ll be fine,” Dean reassured him from the kitchenette. He was preparing dinner and Sam was supposed to come over any moment now.

What if the younger Winchester didn’t approve of him when he came to know that Castiel was a fallen angel? What if he said Cas might be bad for Dean and he wanted them to break up? There was no way Cas could calm down so he paced from Dean to the sofa to the mirror in the bedroom and back to Dean, not standing still for a single second.

“Hey, c’mere.” Without hesitation Dean grabbed Cas’s wrist, pulled him close and wrapped an arm around his waist. “Sam won’t mind, I’m sure. As long as I’m happy he doesn’t care who I’m with. And I am happy, okay?” He smiled and kissed the tip of Cas’s nose. “Now sit down, you’re driving me crazy.”

“But how am I supposed to tell him?” Cas stayed right where he was, making it almost impossible for Dean to work in the tiny space.

“I don’t know, just take it slow, don’t rush it. And be yourself. It’ll be fine,” Dean repeated and gently pushed Cas out of the kitchenette.

The coffee table was already set, Dean didn’t have a proper dining table, there was no space in his small apartment, and Cas sat down on the couch, staring blankly at the empty glasses. He was scared that Sam might say something against him, he didn’t want to lose Dean now that he knew he liked him back. If he was being honest it still amazed him, the fact that such an incredible human being wanted to be with him, a fallen angel. Luckily he didn’t have any more time to worry as the bell rang.

While Dean went to get the door Cas stood up, nervously waiting next to the arm chair.

“Hiya, Sammy,” Dean greeted his little brother and announced, “you’re right on time, the burgers are ready in a second. Come on in.”

Sam stepped inside, still just as intimidatingly tall as last time, but his smile managed to ease Cas’s nerves a little. “Hey, Castiel, nice to see you again.”

This time Cas took the proffered hand and shook it, Dean had told him it was considered rude not to do that – Cas was still having some issues with human etiquette. “Hello, Sam, it’s very nice to see you again, too,” he said shyly.

“Okay, guys, sit down,” Dean ordered, two plates with burgers – his specialty which were absolutely amazing according to him, Cas couldn’t exactly say anything on the matter – in his hands and shooing them to take a seat.

Sam sat down in the armchair whereas Cas and Dean took the sofa after Dean had set the plates in front of Sam and himself and handed Sam a beer. The younger Winchester seemed confused and looked from Cas to Dean and back.

“Aren’t you going to eat anything?”

“No, I don’t really…” Cas mumbled. Dean had told him to wait for the right moment so he sat in silence and watched the brothers eating their food, chatting about this and that.

Eventually Sam looked straight at him and said, “Well, Cas, it’s nice that I get to know you now. Last time was kinda awkward, huh?”

“Yes, I believe it was.”

“So, pretty much the only thing I know is that Dean met you on his trip north somewhere and that he’s head over heels into you -” That got him a kick from Dean. “Ow! Anyway, why don’t you tell me something about yourse-?”

“I’m an angel,” Cas blurted out before Sam could even finish his question. Oh no. Take it slow, don’t rush it, Dean had told him, and this was anything but taking it slow but he just wanted to get this over with.

Clearly confused Sam narrowed his eyes at Cas. “Uh… excuse me?”

“I mean, I was an angel,” Castiel clarified, voice quieter this time, his hand unconsciously searching for and finding Dean’s and holding it. Setting his plate away, Dean squeezed Cas’s hand and turned to face his brother.

“That’s actually kinda why we wanted you to come over.”

“Dean, I’m not following. Like, at all. The hell are you talking about?”

“Well… Cas is a former angel. A real life angel, Sam.”

When Sam continued to stare from one to the other incredulously, Cas cleared his throat. “I… fell from heaven, and then I met Dean and, well…” With a soft shrug and a smile at Dean Cas trailed off.

Sam blinked once, twice, then he asked, “You’re telling me you’re an angel who fell and that’s why you’re on earth?” 

“Yes, that’s exactly what I said.”

“Oh. Okay.”

“’Oh okay’? That’s all you have to say?” Now it was Dean’s turn to stare.

“Well, I guess I always kinda believed in angels.” Sam shrugged and turned his attention to Cas. “Would you mind me asking you a few questions? This is… kind of exciting.”

This only calmed Cas slightly. “Um… I guess not…?”

“Don’t worry, it’s just so intriguing and I can’t believe that Dean –” Sam pulled one of his bitchfaces at his brother, “didn’t tell me. Let me guess, he freaked out when you told him?”

“A little.” Cas smiled nervously. “What do you want to know?”

“I have so many questions! But first of all, how many angels are there and are the archangels real? Is God real? How close to reality is the Bible?”

“Dude, calm down, one thing at a time,” Dean reminded his little brother, then muttered, “This is gonna be a long night.”

When Sam finally left it was almost two in the morning and Dean had to practically shove him out of the apartment while Cas promised he would answer more of Sam’s questions next time. Of course Sam had sworn not to tell anybody and after a while Cas had relaxed and told Sam everything he wanted to know – he had even more questions than Dean.

“He’s really great,” Sam said quietly before he left and smiled at his brother. “I’m glad you’re happy.”

With a grin Dean replied, “He is. And now get your ass out of my apartment, I gotta work tomorrow and I’m pretty sure you have school.”

“Yeah, alright. Night, Dean. Good night, Cas.”

“Good night, Sam.” Cas gave a little wave from the sofa and Dean practically shut the door in Sam’s face, turning back to Castiel with a sigh.

“See? Wasn’t that bad now, was it?”

Shaking his head Cas smiled. “Your brother is a very nice and tolerant person, just like you.”

“Uh, I guess.” Dean scratched the back of his neck. “’m gonna get ready for bed.”

While Dean was in the bathroom Cas used the chance to continue reading – Vonnegut this time, Dean was already teasing him and calling him nerd because he enjoyed reading so much and felt like he learned from books almost as much as from humans – but his thoughts trailed back to Sam’s questions and to his family. He missed them dearly and thinking and talking about them for the past hours had made it even worse. Of course he loved being with Dean but he wished he could see his family again, all of his brothers and sisters and his father. Dean kept insisting that surely they would forgive him in a few centuries, maybe a couple millennia, but Castiel knew that wouldn’t be the case. And in a few decades he would be all alone.

“Hey there.” Dean softly brought him back down to earth, taking his hand. “You coming?”

With a nod Cas put the book away and got up to let Dean pull him into the bedroom. Instead of immediately going to bed, though, he gently pinned Cas against the wall and kissed him.

“I’m relieved we got this over with and Sam is okay with it,” Cas whispered against Dean’s lips.

“Sam’s the last person I wanna think about right now,” Dean murmured and moved on to kiss Cas’s neck. His hands trailed under Castiel’s trenchcoat and over his back, pulling him close until their bodies were pressed together. Slowly he took off the coat and undid the angel’s tie as he moved back up to kiss him again, more passionate this time, actually making Cas moan softly.

“What are you doing?” Castiel breathed and held on to Dean’s T-shirt, feeling his heart pound under the thin fabric.

“I don’t like you in my bed with all your clothes on and I’m gonna change that,” Dean explained as he started unbuttoning Cas’s dress shirt, looking in his eyes to see if he was okay with it the whole time. When he was satisfied Dean turned them and walked until Cas’s calves hit the edge of the bed. “Move up, would you?”

Cas did as he was asked but grabbed Dean’s shirt and pulled him right with him, reaching up to kiss him. “Shouldn’t you go to sleep?” he asked when Dean drew back breathlessly a few moments later and caressed his face with his thumbs.

“Who the hell needs sleep when I have you?” With a smirk Dean straddled Cas’s hips and kissed him again.


	30. Chapter 30

The kisses grew more and more fervent and Castiel’s soft whines and moans turned Dean on incredibly – he’d deny making any such noises himself – and eventually he started grinding against Cas, his breath hitching and Cas groaned at the friction. The angel’s hands slid under Dean’s shirt and he started to tug at it until Dean sat up and pulled it over his head only to lean down again immediately, sighing at the feeling of Cas’s warm skin against his as he continued kissing him.

Feeling Cas’s fingertips trace over his skin mad him shiver slightly and he moved on to kiss the stubble on his boyfriend’s jaw, then trailed kisses down his neck and to his collarbone where he started nipping gently. Cas arched his back up and gripped Dean’s shoulders as Dean sucked a bruise in the crook of Castiel’s neck.

Barely more than a whisper, Cas uttered a “Dean…”

“Hm?” Dean looked up, worry in his lust blown eyes. “You okay?”

“Yeah, just… I need more,” Cas pleaded, voice even rougher than usual.

After clearing his throat Dean asked, “You sure?”

“Yeah. Don’t you want more?”

Dean gave a quiet, breathless laugh. “You kidding?”

Cas propped himself up on his elbows, staring into Dean’s eyes. “No, actually I wa-”

“Shh, I got it.” He took Cas’s face in his hands and pressed his lips against the angel’s, pushing his tongue in Cas’s mouth and swallowing his moans. When Castiel grabbed his ass and pulled him impossibly closer Dean groaned quietly, grinding against him again, but the friction wasn’t enough. Apparently Cas was thinking the same and pulled at the hem of Dean’s boxers. Without giving it a second thought Dean helped taking off his underwear and reached for Castiel’s next. Cas lifted his hips to make it easier and Dean pulled his boxer briefs off as well, leaving them both completely naked.

“You sure you want this?” Dean asked again. He needed to know Cas was okay with this and didn’t rush things. It might sound corny but he wanted it to be perfect for Cas – yeah, he wanted their first time to be perfect. Talk about being a softie.

A hint of annoyance mixed with the arousal on Cas’s face. “Could you stop asking?” 

“Alright, fine.” Dean licked his lips, then muttered, “But I’m not gonna… I ain’t gonna bottom, got it?”

Cas just squinted at him in confusion. “You are not going to what?”

“Just stay like this, okay?”

The angel obliged and looked up at Dean expectantly. “Are you certain you want this too?” he asked quietly when Dean just looked back at him, clearly nervous, and reached out a hand to cup his cheek.

A soft smile lit Dean’s face and he nodded before he leaned down to press his lips against Cas’s again, propping himself up with one elbow more out of habit than not to crush Cas under his weight. His hand shook slightly when he rummaged for the lube on his night stand, popped the lid and poured some on his fingers, leaving the bottle open on the bed next to him. He had to concentrate, it was too easy to get lost in the sweet kisses Castiel placed on his lips while one hand gently traced over his side.

When the lube had warmed up to his fingers, Dean slid a hand down Castiel’s body, then hesitated.

Was he really ready to do this? What if he didn’t like it? What if Cas didn’t like it?

Dean hated himself for overthinking so much but he just couldn’t stop. Suddenly a warm hand took hold of his wrist and guided it further down and when he opened his eyes to look at Cas he was smiling at him reassuringly before kissing him again.

“Please,” Cas whispered against Dean’s lips and Dean finally started moving again.

His fingertips teased over the angel’s erection for a moment before they carefully circled Cas’s entrance, still trembling slightly, and he broke the kiss to watch the angel’s reactions, ready to stop every moment but Cas just smiled at him. Finally he started slowly pushing a finger in and Castiel’s eyes widened a little at the intrusion as he pressed down.

Dean couldn’t look away, Cas lying beneath him like this was intoxicating, cheeks flushed and sucking in a breath he didn’t need to take when Dean added a second finger after a minute. This was insane, probably just another one of his dreams, only much more vivid than the ones before. If it was, he didn’t want it to end.

Castiel was already writhing beneath him, his hands tangled in Dean’s hair and pulling him down, his kisses getting more desperate, tongue exploring Dean’s mouth as Dean slowly opened him up. Dean couldn’t help but moan and started kissing his way down to Cas’s neck, the angel’s hands never leaving his hair. He was sure Cas was holding back so as not to hurt him when he was being pulled into another needy kiss followed by a low groan when Dean’s fingers brushed over a spot deep inside of Cas.

“You good?” he asked breathlessly.

With a nod Cas rolled his hips to get Dean’s fingers deeper. “Do that again,” he pleaded as he looked up at Dean with hooded, lust-blown eyes.

After a short moment of hesitation Dean grabbed the lube again, poured some more on his fingers and slid a third one into Cas, trying to hit that spot again. Judging by Castiel’s moans it didn’t take him long to find it. He was so tight and Dean didn’t know how he ever was supposed to fit but it turned him on even more. Going back to kissing and nipping at Cas’s neck, Dean took his time, partly to see how Cas would react, mostly to make sure he wouldn’t hurt him and Cas would be able to enjoy it.

“You can touch me, you know that, right?” he panted into the angel’s skin between kisses, nearly desperate to feel Cas’s hands on him too.

Almost instantly one of Castiel’s hands slid to the back of Dean’s neck as the other grabbed Dean’s wrist again, forcing his fingers even deeper into Cas.

“Not exactly what I had in mind,” Dean chuckled but followed the unspoken demand.

Cas gave a quiet whimper and dug his fingers into Dean’s hip, leaving crescent-shaped imprints. “Dean… please…” he whined. “I need…”

“You sure you’re ready?”

“I’m an a-angel, you won’t… hurt me.” Cas was almost surprised he was still able to form a coherent sentence, this was pleasure he had never experienced before, never in billions of years, but when Dean gently pulled his fingers away he almost regretted saying something as he was left empty.

Luckily in the next moment Dean grabbed a condom, rolled it on with expertise and settled between Cas’s legs. Even though he was almost desperate to finally feel Cas around him he had to ask again. “You really sure ab-”

“Shut up,” Cas growled and pulled Dean down into a rough kiss, partly to calm his nerves. He didn’t recall ever being this nervous and excited at the same time, and certainly not this aroused.

Dean gently caressed a thumb over Cas’s cheek as he kissed him back and slowly slid into him, biting his lip to hold back the noises that wanted to escape him – in marked contrast to Castiel who was moaning loudly at the unfamiliar, thick intrusion. Taking a while to let Cas adjust to the feeling, Dean kissed his boyfriend gently on his temple, the tip of his nose and finally his lips. He gasped in surprise when Cas bucked his hips, obviously too impatient to wait any longer but too caught up in kissing Dean to tell him to move.

Slowly Dean started moving, his hands grasping the sheets and tangled through Cas’s hair, and he groaned into the kiss at the tightness. After a few thrusts he steadily picked up his pace, spurred on by the noises Cas was making. Castiel seemed to be holding on to Dean for dear life and he whimpered his name like a prayer as Dean changed his angle slightly and managed to hit his sweet spot again and again.

It was incredible. He, Dean Winchester, had reduced an angel, a fallen yet oh so innocent angel to a writhing, moaning and begging mess, wanting him to go harder, faster, deeper, and Dean complied instantly. Knowing he wouldn’t last much longer, not with Cas looking at him with hooded eyes and this look on his face and the countless dreams about him in the back of his mind, Dean wrapped a hand around Castiel’s length and started stroking him in time with his thrusts, earning a loud, wrecked groan from Cas.

When Cas met every one of his thrusts, head falling back onto the pillow with an expression of lust and bliss and raking his nails over Dean’s back, Dean couldn’t hold it back any longer. He dropped his head on Cas’s shoulder as he came, panting and moaning while he continued to jerk Cas’s dick until the angel reached his climax too, making the sweetest moans and whimpers and clenching around Dean, causing him to groan into Cas’s neck.

Gasping for air Dean fell on top of Cas when he couldn’t hold himself up on shaky arms anymore, pulling a face at the stickiness between them but he smiled and kissed Cas’s cheek when he felt strong arms embracing him, trying to settle comfortably against the angel’s chest.

“This is slightly disgusting,” Castiel noted dryly after a while when Dean had almost dosed off.

“Are you always this unromantic after sex?” Dean teased and rolled off him after kissing him deeply.

Cas sat up, his eyes not leaving Dean. “I wouldn’t know, this was my first time having intercourse. I thought you were aware of that.”

Rolling his eyes but not able to suppress the huge grin spreading over his face Dean replied, “Yeah, I’m just teasing you. C’mon, let’s get cleaned up.”

With a nod Cas took Dean’s hand and pulled him up and into the bathroom where he squinted against the light for a moment. A warm, damp washcloth was all Dean could be talked into, he was way too tired to take a shower now. Castiel insisted on cleaning them himself and Dean didn’t argue, he leaned against Cas with a soft smile and ran his hand through his dark, tousled hair.

“Sex hair,” he mumbled and grinned tiredly.

“You should really get some sleep.” Cas smiled at Dean and pecked him on the lips before guiding him back to the bedroom. He settled right next to Dean and pulled him against his chest.

“You’re so beautiful, y’know,” Dean murmured sleepily against the angel’s neck.

Cas kissed his temple and caressed Dean’s back as Dean’s breaths got more even. “Thank you,” he whispered in Dean’s hair.

Dean cracked an eye open. “Hm?”

“This might very well have been the best day of my entire existence.”


	31. Chapter 31

Dean woke up in Castiel’s arms, wondering when he’d become the little spoon, but he realised he really didn’t mind.

“Did you sleep well?” The soft words spoken against his skin sent a pleasant shiver down Dean’s spine and he smiled and turned around to look at Cas in the dim light of the morning sun.

“Great.” He wrapped an arm around Cas and kissed him. “How are you?”

“I feel great.” With a smile the angel traced his fingers over Dean’s cheek, his neck and over his shoulder and arm down to his hand until he could link their fingers together.

At that moment Dean’s alarm went off and he groaned. “Ugh, I wish we could just stay here in bed all day,” he grumbled.

“Don’t worry about it, we’ll see each other tonight,” Cas said and added, “You should take a shower before you leave.”

“Hmm… I got a better idea. Wanna come with me?”

Irritation obvious on his face, Cas asked, “To work?”

“No, dummy, in the shower. Y’know, save time and water.” Dean winked and smirked at Cas, gently freeing himself from the angel’s arms and the blanket and getting up. A faint blush tinted his cheeks as Castiel took in his naked form, his eyes trailing over every inch of his body. “You coming?”

Cas kept staring at Dean in silent wonder. “How often do humans have sexual intercourse?” he asked after a moment and finally met Dean’s eyes.

“Uh, depends on the person I guess.” Dean shrugged. “Why?”

“Because I already seem to have a… ‘problem’ again,” Cas stated and lifted the blanket that had been covering him to get up awkwardly.

Biting his lip Dean tried not to grin and grabbed Cas’s hand. “We can take care of that in the shower if you like.” He pulled Cas into the bathroom but before he could follow his boyfriend into the shower something caught his attention in the mirror. A grin spread over his face when he turned to get a better look. “Dude, look at that.”

Cas’s eyes widened in panic when he saw the red scratches all over Dean’s back. “I am so sorry, I never meant to hurt you and didn’t even realise I was doing this. Let me heal it, plea-”

“Uh-uh, don’t you dare. They stay,” Dean said firmly. “Payback for the hickey I gave you, and I love them.”

“What? But I hurt you.” Clearly Cas didn’t understand at all so Dean gently pushed him backwards against the tiles of the shower, smiling warmly at him.

“It doesn’t hurt, okay? I swear. And it’s kinda hot. Reminds me of last night.” To allow no further discussion Dean kissed Cas deeply and turned on the water, then wrapped his arms around the angel and pressed his body against Cas’s, feeling his arousal against his thigh. “Let’s take care of that now,” he mumbled between kisses.

This would be a great day, Dean was certain about that.

Never in his life had he been this wrong.

***

The sun was already setting when he finally finished his work on a ’69 Mustang and could put away all his tools and give the owner a call that he could pick his car up the next day. Exhausted but eager to get home Dean had to suppress an annoyed groan when Bobby stopped him to talk about another job he was supposed to start with the following day.

Of course his boss noticed his impatience and asked, “You got a hot date or somethin’ or why you wanna ditch me this fast? Barely see ya anymore except for when you’re here for work.”

Dean bit his lip but decided to go with the truth. Well, kind of. “Yeah, I’m meeting someone later, so… But I’m gonna make it up to you, promise. Was there anything else?”

“Nah. Just take care of what you might get yourself into.”

What the hell was that supposed to mean? Shaking his head Dean left the auto shop and headed home. All he wanted now was to cuddle up with Cas at the couch, make out and do whatever that led to.

The fading sunlight tinged the sky in shades of orange and crimson and for a moment Dean halted, head laid back and watching a few dark purple clouds slowly passing by. He couldn’t help but wonder if angels could see the sunset the same way humans did and if they were looking down at him right now – but that was a stupid question, after all Cas had told him heaven wasn’t the same thing as the sky or anywhere behind it. After all, if that were the case scientists would long have found them by now. The more he glanced at the sky on his way back home the more he thought it somehow had something apocalyptic to it, like those huge, old history paintings his mum had shown him once when he was little. With a faint smile he abandoned the thought and rounded the corner.

When he reached the shabby apartment building, noticing once again how run down it was nowadays, he realised he’d forgotten his key in the haste this morning – their shower had taken a lot longer than expected. With a quiet curse he managed to slip into the building with one of his neighbours and took the stairs two at a time. The fact that with every step he took it seemed to get a little colder irritated him but he had better things to think about. Like his boyfriend waiting for him inside.

Before he could even lift his hand to knock the apartment door was being torn open – and Dean stared at a man he’d never seen before.

“Dean! Hello! It’s so great to finally meet you!” he greeted him fulsomely. “Come in, come in.”

Eyeing him suspiciously, Dean asked, “Who the hell are you? And how the fuck did you get into my home?!”

The guy, approximately in his early 40s, dressed in jeans and a T-shirt under a grey shirt and with short, dark blond hair, grinned at him. “Aw, c’mon, don’t be rude. Cassie let me in.” And suddenly Dean was being pulled into the apartment by a cold hand and the door snapped shut behind him.

He spotted Cas immediately, huddled on the sofa, looking uncomfortable and intimidated, maybe even… scared? “You know this guy?” Dean asked as he crossed the distance to make sure Cas was okay, his eyes not leaving the stranger.

Castiel only nodded softly and clenched his teeth.

“Okay, listen, whoever you are, I want you to get out of my apartment,” Dean growled. He didn’t care what was going on, all he wanted was Cas to feel safe and this clearly wasn’t the case.

The man raised a brow and crossed his arms. “Is that the way you treat your future brother-in-law?”

“Excuse me?! The fuck are you talking about?!”

“Cassie, tell him. I’m sure you’ve already heard of me, Dean-o. Maybe my little brother even told you about me.”

“That guy’s one of your brothers?” Dean asked incredulously. However he had imagined the other angels to be, this guy definitely didn’t meet his expectations. He was unsettling and, quite literally, cold.

With a glare at Cas who was still not uttering a single word followed by a sigh and finally a false smile, the man said, “Allow me to introduce myself. I’m Lucifer.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After all the fluff... let's make things interesting again, shall we?


	32. Chapter 32

“Lucifer? As in the devil?!” Dean gaped at the guy, then glanced over to Castiel huddling on the couch. This wasn’t how he had always pictured the devil at all, he looked… too normal – no horns, no red skin, no hooves, no tail. But then again why would he look any different than angels? 

“I prefer the term King of Hell,” Lucifer replied with a smirk, interrupting Dean’s train of thought. “And I’m really just a fallen angel, like your boyfriend here, albeit the very first one. And the most powerful one, mind you.”

Dean looked over to Cas but the angel still didn’t say anything, just stared at Lucifer with wide eyes.

“Listen, we really appreciate you swinging by and checking on Cas but I’m sure it’s best if you leave now,” Dean growled quietly.

“Wow. Do you always have such a big mouth? After all you’re talking with the devil himself, remember.” Lucifer’s grin widened and he winked at Dean.

“Get out.”

“Not gonna happen.” Instead of complying, Lucifer slowly came closer and slumped down in Dean’s armchair with a satisfied look on his face, then he leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees, and focused his attention on Cas. “See, I’m here for a reason so let’s stop with the chitchat and pleasantries.”

“Lucifer, please leave,” Cas said quietly, hoping his brother wouldn’t notice the quiver in his voice. “I have nothing you would want and I couldn’t help you with anything.”

“Oh Cassie, you’re wrong about that.”

With crossed arms Dean stepped between Cas and Lucifer. “What do you want from him?”

Lucifer eyed him condescendingly for a moment, then gave Dean a little push that caused him to fall back on the couch, almost crushing Cas. “You know, it gets kind of boring in hell, there’s only so many ways to torture unfortunate souls and their begging is always the same. Everything’s so… dull down there. And dear Castiel here was always such a good little angel, almost ideal. Until this happened.” He looked straight at Dean. “Last night you finally completely corrupted him and we both know there’s only one place you can go to now, isn’t that right, Castiel? By the way, how was it? Submitting to a human, I mean. What a shame, really, you would deserve to fall for that too, but I hope at least he was worth it.”

“I’m not going to leave here,” Cas said firmly, trying not to let Lucifer’s words hit him. “I’m going to stay with Dean.”

“I’m not asking, brother.”

“You can’t make me.”

“Oh really? Is that so? Here’s the thing, Castiel, I kinda like your human toy’s attitude and we all know he took real good care of my little brother so I’ll give him a choice.”

“He’s not my toy and I’m sure you know that.”

Again an evil grin lit the devil’s face. “Oh, I do, Cassie, believe me. News travel fast, even down to hell.” 

“What does that mean?” Dean interjected. “What are you talking about?”

“You haven’t told him?” Lucifer tsk-ed. “It’s about time, don’t you think?”

“Don’t you dare.” Unconsciously Cas clenched his fists.

“Cas, what’s this about?!”

Castiel completely ignored Dean and scowled at Lucifer. “Why do you even want me in hell?”

“You’re not going to hell, Cas!”

“Stay out of this,” Cas growled before addressing his brother again. “What exactly do you want?”

“You, in hell, with me. We’ll talk about the details there but I definitely wanna hear about everything that’s happened in heaven the past couple billion years. Y’know, chat a little. And it’s not like you have a choice. Either you come with me, or else…” Lucifer trailed off, casting an ominous glance at Dean.

“What the fuck?! Leave him alone and get out!” Before Dean could get up and kick Lucifer out Cas grabbed his arm and held him back, forcing him to stay where he was.

“You will not hurt him, Lucifer.”

“Of course I won’t. Unless you make me. C’mon, Castiel, I don’t want to hurt anybody. In fact I’m offering you something really good. A deal if you wanna call it that.”

“I’m not going to make a deal with the devil. Why would I ever trust you?”

“Ouch, that hurt. But listen to me first, it’s a good deal, I promise. Or do I need to remind you which one of us it the more powerful fallen angel?”

Clenching his teeth Cas glared at Lucifer, waiting for him to continue. He couldn’t let him hurt Dean, under no circumstances.

“Alright, so, I was thinking… You come with me, live in hell for all eternity and in exchange I’ll let you keep your pet. I even promise not to let anyone torture him there AND you two get to stay together, also forever, of course. Sound like a deal?” With that Lucifer leaned back and looked at Cas expectantly.

“No. I want you to leave now and never come back.”

“Huh. I understand that this is quite an important decision so I’ll give you some time to think about it. I’ll be back in, say… three days.”

“What if I say no?”

“Do I really have to answer that? Really, Castiel, I thought you knew me, even though you were only a tiny angel when I fell. Grew up quite handsome by the way, bet your boy toy thinks so too. Think about him when you make your decision, brother. It might affect him even more than you. Oh, and maybe you should talk to him, y’know, about the reason you fell.” A quiet flutter of wings, then Lucifer was gone.

“Cas, what the fuck was that?!” Confusion, anger and worry were all apparent on Dean’s face.

Shaking his head slight, Cas mumbled, “I need some time alone.”

“Oh hell no, you’re gonna talk to me about what just happened.”

“Dean, please, I can’t let him hurt you!” Cas argued and got up. “I need to figure out what to do.”

His voice merely a low growl, Dean gripped Cas’s wrist to stop him. “We’ll figure that out together, you’re not just gonna leave right now.” He pulled him back on the couch and asked insistently, “Why would Lucifer want you in hell and why did you fall?”


	33. Chapter 33

Castiel swallowed and glanced at Dean nervously. He hadn’t anticipated the situation to escalate this quickly, hadn’t expected Lucifer to appear at all. Sure, sooner or later something would happen, he had been aware of that, his fall couldn’t be the only punishment, not after all that had happened in the past months. But Lucifer… Maybe it was a test, but what could God possibly -

Waving his hand in front of the angel’s face, Dean urged, “Cas, hey, I’m waiting.”

“Dean, please. I need to -”

“You need to tell me what’s going on!”

“I don’t want to draw you into this.” A shaking hand clasped the armrest and Cas bit his lip hard. Never would he forgive himself if anything happened to Dean because of him.

“Well obviously I’m already in the middle of it,” Dean argued, then continued more quietly, “Listen, I trust you. And for the past couple weeks I thought hey, whatever, none of my business why he fell. But now your brother who’s the frickin’ DEVIL showed up and wants you to go to hell with him and drops ominous hints and I wanna know what the fuck is going on. So please, just talk to me.”

Cas shook his head and looked away. “I can’t. I am truly sorry, you have to believe me. Perhaps I should just leave so he won’t hurt you,” he whispered in a small voice.

“No one’s going to leave, you got that? You’re staying right here and we figure this out. After you told me what this is all about.”

“I told you I can’t and I won’t risk him hurting you.”

“Do you really think that he’d spare me or whatever just ‘cause you’re gone?! Sure, you should know him better than me but I really doubt that.”

For a while Castiel stayed silent and thought about Dean’s words. He was terrified but he also had to admit Dean had a point, leaving him wouldn’t solve anything. When he finally looked up at Dean again he couldn’t stop his hands from shaking even more as he reached for the human. “I cannot tell you what happened and I don’t know yet what we’ll do but I promise I won’t let him hurt you, do you understand?”

“Why the hell can’t you tell me?” Dean asked strainedly, obviously pulling himself together so as not to yell and clearly upset.

“You wouldn’t… I can’t… I’m not allowed to. But I’ll find a way to fix this. Just let me figure this out, okay? I promise I’ll be back soon.” With that Cas got up and kissed Dean’s temple, ignoring his desperate protests and gently breaking away from his grip, then he quickly left the apartment.

He needed time to think, time to be alone and find a solution to this horrible situation. And maybe time to beg heaven for forgiveness, or at least help, a salving piece of advice, anything, really.

***

For hours Dean had been pacing back and forth, thinking about what all of this might mean. Eventually he’d forced himself to sit down and started his research. It was ridiculous to hope to find something on the internet, he knew that, but maybe he would at least find helpful information about Lucifer. He had considered calling Sam and asking for his advice but his little brother would only freak out and tell Dean he needed to get out of this situation – which meant leaving Cas to handle on his own, possibly leaving him forever, and that was the last thing Dean would do.

A soft knock finally caused him to jump up and hurry towards the door to tear it open. “Thank God you’re back,” he sighed and pulled Cas into a tight hug.

“God has nothing to do with this, at least I think so. He hasn’t even answered.” Castiel’s reply was muffled by the fabric of Dean’s shirt as Cas hid his face in his boyfriend’s chest. “I don’t know what to do,” he eventually admitted quietly, clinging to Dean. “Lucifer is not supposed to be on earth and no one is answering my prayers and I’m – I’m just…”

“Hey, shh, we’ll figure this out,” Dean tried to calm the angel in his arms down. “Nobody’s gonna get hurt and nobody’s going to hell.”

With a nod Cas drew back and looked up at Dean. “You’re right. We have to work something out. Maybe we could trap Lucifer, I don’t know.”

Gently Dean took Cas’s hand and pulled him towards the bedroom. “Let’s think about this together and figure out which options we have.”

“But -” There were so much more important things right now like making sure Dean was safe, how could he be thinking about sleep or other things?!

“Nobody says we can’t make ourselves comfortable, right? It’s not like I could sleep now anyway.” Dean could obviously read his mind. He sat down on the bed and Cas followed suit. “You still won’t talk to me about what happened in heaven I guess?”

Over the past few hours Castiel had at least come to one decision. He turned to face Dean and folded his hands in his lap. “No. But there’s something I want you to know. Dean, I… I fell for you.”

This wasn’t the confession Dean had expected and he wasn’t sure he’d understood correctly. For a moment he gaped at the angel, then he stammered, “Uh, you… fell for me as in, like, um, like fell… in love?”

Relief crossed Cas’s face and he smiled shyly at Dean. “Yes, exactly. You don’t need to say anything back, I just wanted you to kno-”

Dean’s kiss silenced him and he wrapped his arms around Dean’s shoulders as he kissed him back.

“We’ll fix this,” Dean whispered as he sat back, caressing Castiel’s face. “Now tell me about this trap you mentioned.”

He didn’t understand why Cas wouldn’t tell him the reason for his fall, couldn’t grasp why the angel didn’t trust him enough and honestly, it hurt him. Nonetheless he kept telling himself to let it go, to give Castiel the time he needed, after all a few months were nothing in comparison to Cas’s lifespan and eventually he’d talk to him. That was what Dean kept telling himself as he listened to Cas’s considerations and the bits and pieces he remembered from the time when Lucifer had been cast out. They needed to focus, Dean knew that, and he’d do anything to prevent the devil from hurting Cas or taking him to hell. 

After a while they lay down together and Dean thought about Cas’s words, hoping to find a solution but it was obvious Cas was grasping at straws and was just as clueless as Dean. But they couldn’t just give up, not with this threat. Dean would call in sick the next day to work this out together with Cas. Pulling the angel closer against his chest he started praying for the first time in years, begging for divine support.

He couldn’t just let his angel go and lose him, not when they had finally gotten together.


	34. Chapter 34

The ringing of the telephone disturbed the two men early in the afternoon. They hadn’t made any progress with finding a solution and were frustrated but both tried not to show the other how worried and even scared they were.

With an annoyed grunt Dean got up and grabbed the phone, answering with a gruff, “Winchester.”

“Hey kid,” Bobby greeted him, “I know you said you ain’t feeling well and all but there’s someone here who insists on talking to you and I haven’t been able to get rid of him for the past 20 minutes. Think you can make it over?”

“Tell him I’m sick and he can talk to me tomorrow.”

“That’s what I said but he insists it’s impor-”

“Tell him it’s literally a matter of life or death!” A voice yelled in the background and Dean froze.

He knew that voice, had heard it before and he couldn’t quite believe it. “Put him on the phone,” he eventually mumbled when he realised he’d been staring into space in shocked surprise for the past few moments and Cas was giving him an odd look. Before he could utter another word he could hear the phone being passed on and then the voice murmuring so quiet that Dean barely understood, “Get away from Cas.”

“What?! Are you -”

“I mean get out of the room, somewhere where he can’t hear me.”

“Fine…” Turning to Cas he mouthed, “Be right back, ‘s Rufus,” and walked into the hallway and down the stairs until he was outside in front of the building, feeling terrible about lying to Cas. “What are you doing at Bobby’s?!” he hissed as soon as he stood in the bright sunlight.

“Whaddaya think, idiot? My little brother’s in trouble but I can’t be seen with him. Heaven’s rules, y’know. So I need you to meet me. Now. Tell Cassie there’s an emergency or whatever and get your ass over here.” The line went dead with a beep.

For a moment Dean considered telling Cas the truth but he couldn’t risk losing their only chance of help so he hurried up the stairs and grabbed his jacket from the wardrobe. “I’m so sorry, Cas, there’s an emergency at work and Rufus needs me over there ASAP. I’ll be back as soon as possible.”

“Do you want me to come with you?” Castiel asked, clearly unhappy about the thought of being alone in this situation.

“No, no, it’s fine, probably won’t be gone more than two hours and I got my phone with me if there’s anything, okay?” Leaning down to kiss Cas goodbye Dean tried to seem as normal as possible. The thought of keeping secrets from Castiel really made him feel awful but it was for the best. Or at least he hoped so.

“Okay. Come back soon, please.”

Dean hated how small Cas’s voice sounded. The angel was desperate, torn between two horrible options with no apparent expedient. Nonetheless this was vital, possibly the only way they would get out of this, so Dean left, albeit with an uneasy feeling.

No two minutes later he arrived at the auto shop and was indeed greeted by an agitated archangel. “I thought you’d never come!” Gabriel complained and immediately grabbed Dean’s arm, not giving him any time to react or reply as he started pulling him towards the street. “We need to go somewhere else, somewhere private. C’mon.” Looking back over his shoulder he waved at someone and a moment later Dean heard footsteps following them.

“What’s going on?” he asked as he tried to catch a glimpse back but Gabriel was dragging him down the street so fast Dean almost stumbled. “And who the hell’s following us?!”

“Right, my mistake.” As abruptly as he’d started pulling Dean with him Gabriel stopped, causing Dean to bump into him in surprise. Dean turned to see a man with blond hair and blue eyes sizing him up sceptically that Dean must have completely overlooked in the hurry at the shop.

“Dean – Balthazar, Balthi – Cassie’s little boy toy, err, boyfriend. Now come on.” And the archangel dragged him off the walkway and towards the small forest area near the auto shop.

“Anybody gonna tell me who exactly that is? Or rather what, I suppose?”

“Oh excuse us, we thought there were more important matters than explaining our family tree to you,” Balthazar who had caught up to them replied sarcastically and Dean was startled by the man’s British accent. “Castiel’s my little brother too but I’m not as old as Gabe here and just a normal angel. Happy now?”

“Why’re you here, too?”

“We thought you could need all the help you can get. Unless you want me to leave?” 

“No! No, that’s not what I meant, I was just… surprised.” With a shrug Dean turned to Gabriel who had thankfully let go of him but still set a fast pace as they reached the edge of the woods. “Thanks for coming, really. You heard my prayers?”

“Yours and Castiel’s. We’re here to save this idiot’s ass.”

“And honestly, no one else had the balls to come down to earth to help Cassie,” Balthazar chimed in. “Y’know, most are afraid to even mention his name ‘cause he’s not that different from Luci now, at least in their eyes. Angels fall for a reason and disobedience is, well, not taken kindly to.”

“Lemme guess, you can’t tell me why he was cast out either?” Dean asked in frustration, trying to keep up to the two smaller men – no, angels. Occasionally he still forgot they were different than him, especially since Cas and Gabriel and now also this Balthazar guy were not as… celestial and holy as he used to imagine angels when he was a child.

A snort escaped Balthazar. “That what he told you?”

“Well, yeah, he says he can’t talk about it because he’s not allowed to.”

The angels exchanged a glance, Gabriel arching a brow and Balthazar giving a small shrug. Finally they stopped several yards off the beaten path winding through the woods. 

Dean had noticed the look between the brothers and his uneasy feeling increased. “What?”

“A fallen angel is free to talk about the reasons for his fall,” Balthazar informed Dean nonchalantly and crossed his arms. “Looks like he doesn’t want to tell you.”

“You know exactly why,” Gabriel cut in and gave his brother a warning look. “None of our business.”

“So what you’re saying is he lied to me the whole time?!” This couldn’t be true, Cas wouldn’t lie to him. Sure, he had his secrets, but lying?! Dean didn’t want to believe it.

Gabriel’s reply came without hesitation. “Yep.”

“Why?”

“Ask him.”

“Why can’t you just tell me what happened?” Dean wasn’t even sure anymore if he wanted to know the reason. It would make the lies more real and maybe he was better off not knowing what had caused this tremendous decision. Still he had a feeling that it was important for him to be aware of it, like it would somehow explain things – like Lucifer’s mysterious hints.

Leaning against the trunk of a tree, Balthazar started, “Well if you really wanna know -”

“Shut it, Balthi, Cassie’s gotta tell him about that himself.”

“Fine, whatever, we got more important things to do anyway. Soo, you got a visit from our second favourite fallen angel, huh?”

“If that’s supposed to be funny let me tell you it’s not,” Dean growled. “Please tell me you can help Cas. I…” His throat went tight and he bit his lip, swallowing before he continued, “I can’t lose him and I can’t let him go to hell. I need your help.”

“Alright, Dean-o, tell us everything Luci said. We have to know what exactly he wants,” Gabriel demanded.

And Dean started summarising last night’s events, the need to find a solution with the angels’ help as well as the need to confront Castiel as soon as he was home again present the entire time, nagging at him.


	35. Chapter 35

The two angels left with the promise to come back as soon as they’d figured out a solution. Dean stayed in the small forest for a while, thinking about the options he had. He could confront Cas but Balthazar and Gabriel obviously didn’t want him to tell the angel about their meeting. He could say nothing, let it go, but Castiel had lied to him and kept secrets from him and he just didn’t understand why. If he kept pressing Cas on and the angel insisted he wasn’t allowed to talk about it… Dean had no idea how he would react.

Just when he was about to head back home his phone rang, the screen showing the auto shop’s number, and Dean accepted the call. “Hey Bobb-”

“Dean, where are you?” Cas sounded odd, demanding, and almost like he was angry.

“Uh… I’ll be right home, okay?” He still wasn’t sure how to handle what Balthazar and Gabriel had told him and what he should do when he faced Cas again.

Before he could ponder any longer the angel spoke again. “I’m at Bobby’s shop. Rufus said he never called you and has no idea where you went and neither do the others,” Cas stated coldly and continued, “You lied to me.”

“Well, you lied to me too.” The growled words slipped out unintentionally and Dean bit his tongue. 

“I don’t know what you are talking about,” the angel replied.

Fuck it, Dean thought, it probably was best he got this over with anyway. “And I don’t believe that’s true. I think we need to talk about a few things. I’ll be back in about ten minutes.” Then he ended the call and pocketed his mobile phone. Instead of leaving immediately, though, he took his time to get back. Somehow he was nervous and suddenly not sure anymore if he really wanted to know the reason for Castiel’s fall.

He just couldn’t believe his boyfriend had lied to him for months.

Eventually he made it home and found Cas waiting for him in the living room, arms crossed.

“Before you say anything, yeah, I lied, but it was necessary,” Dean started just when Cas drew away from the window to come closer. “And I think you need to explain something to me. Why did you lie the whole time?”

Cas tilted his head and stared at Dean, his expression unreadable. “I don’t understand.”

Crossing his arms in front of his chest as well, Dean tried to sound reasonable and calm as he stated, “You do. You lied to me. You said you couldn’t tell me why you fell. That’s not true. There’s nothing prohibiting you from explaining why you were cast out.” Dean eyed Cas as Castiel clearly felt more and more uncomfortable but to his surprise the angel didn’t deny it, didn’t even ask how Dean knew about heaven’s rules. “Why did you lie?”

His shoulders slouching, Cas looked away and mumbled, “I didn’t want to burden you with my problems.”

Dean pushed all the anger and hurt to the back of his mind when he saw his boyfriend like this, looking miserable and anxious. He reached for Cas’s hands and held them. “Cas, you’d never do that. Seriously. Listen, you… you don’t even have to tell me why you fell, I don’t expect that, even though I’d honestly like to know why but, uh… anyway, that’s not the point. I just want you to be honest with me and when you don’t wanna tell me that’s okay, really. Just say it.”

Cas gave a small nod and glanced up at Dean. “You are not mad anymore?”

“No.” To emphasise his reply Dean squeezed Cas’s hands and smiled at him, even though it was a strained smile.

After a few moments of silence Cas licked his lips, still somewhat anxious. “There’s… You have to understand. I never wanted to upset you or have a… negative influence on you so I kept it a secret from you.” He paused for a moment, searching for the right words and finally really meeting Dean’s eyes again. “It’s not like I did something terribly wrong, I refuse to believe that, but something happened in heaven that some of the oldest angels and archangels, the really strict and conservative ones, did not approve of. They demanded I had to be cast out and finally the other angels gave in. Not all of them think I’m guilty, I know that, and there are quite a lot who believe the punishment was too harsh. But I was powerless against the oldest angels.”

Dean didn’t quite know what to say so he eventually just offered, “I’m sorry. They’re idiots.”

“No, they are convinced they did the right thing. I happen to see things differently but since I’m younger than most of the others there was nothing I could do.”

“’m sorry, really,” Dean said quietly and pecked Cas gently on the lips. He truly was but secretly there was a small part of him that was glad that he had gotten to meet this incredible being. And he would have to accept Cas’s choice not to tell him the whole story, however grudgingly – at least for now.

“And where have you been the whole time?” Cas’s question pulled Dean out of his thoughts and now it was his turn to get uncomfortable.

However, he had come up with something on his way home. “I can’t tell you, not yet anyway, and I swear this isn’t some kind of stupid payback, but I’m not supposed to talk about it. Would you trust me when I say it’s important and might help us?”

“I don’t have much of a choice, have I?” Cas smiled faintly.

“Guess not. But I think we might get some assistance.”

“By whom?”

Dean only shrugged at stared at the ceiling.

“How could any of your friends be of any -? Wait, do you mean…?” Wide blue eyes stared at Dean. “Gabriel?” Cas asked in a whisper that was full of wonder – and Dean was sure he heard a spark of hope in the angel’s voice.

Holding up his hands Dean gave Cas a lopsided smile. “I didn’t say anything, just to be clear.”

The speed with which Cas wrapped his arms around Dean to pull him into a tight hug definitely wasn’t human but Dean could only grin and cling to Castiel so as not to topple down. He was relieved to see Cas having some hope again.


	36. Chapter 36

“Hey, Cas, don’t you gotta get to work soon, too?” Dean carefully asked the next morning.

Even though Balthazar and Gabriel’s appearance had managed to lift Castiel’s mood and his hope a little the previous day, now he was huddling on the sofa again, arms wrapped around himself and staring at the TV.

“I’m not going today.”

“What? Why? I thought you loved working at the animal shelter.”

“There’s no point in going to work when I will go to hell tomorrow anyway,” Cas stated, looking completely miserable.

Dean walked over to him and kneeled down in front of the sofa. “Hey, c’mon, your brothers promised they’d try to help.”

“They will try but they won’t succeed.” The defeat in Castiel’s voice made Dean clench his teeth. He didn’t even notice Dean using the plural.

“Listen, it’ll be fine. They’ll come up with something and we’ll be alright, you hear me?”

“How? I won’t let Lucifer take you to hell, too, so I will have to go alone, meaning I can never see you again.” Cas stared down at the ground and whispered, “I can’t do that, Dean. But there is no solution.”

Dean tried to make sense of Cas’s words but he didn’t understand the change in his boyfriend’s attitude at all. “Why’re so pessimistic now, huh? Yesterday you said Gabriel would help us fix this. What made you change your mind so suddenly?”

“I thought about what we could do the whole night. Trapping Lucifer and banishing him won’t work, it takes Michael and God to trap him and Michael won’t help me, plus where would they banish him? He does not belong in purgatory. All of this is pointless,” he muttered.

“So you’re gonna stay home all day watching anime? Seriously?”

“I was hoping you would stay with me. You know, spend my last day on earth together.”

“Forget it. I’m not giving up on this, and neither are you, you got that? There has to be a way,” Dean insisted.

Shaking his head, Cas quietly replied, “There isn’t.”

“I’m only gonna believe that when that son of a bitch drags us down to hell.”

“Dean, you’re not -” the angel started to protest, but Dean cut him off.

“Shut it, Cas. It’s not gonna happen. Now scoot over,” Dean grumbled and took a seat next to Cas, continuing to mutter to himself and sending Bobby a text that he wouldn’t make it again, feeling only a bit bad about it. Cas was more important. “What’re you even watching? And since when are you of all people into anime?”

“It’s about a high school club. And it seems quite entertaining.”

“What kind of club?”

“A host club.”

Raising a brow Dean leaned against the backrest and pulled his feet up on the couch. “Oookay… How do you even understand that without subtitles?”

“You do realise I know every language, right? Angels can communicate with everyone if they have to, not only humans.”

“Fair enough.” With a shrug Dean wrapped an arm around Cas’s shoulders and watched as the angel stared at the TV, racking his brain. He had to come up with something, he couldn’t just let Lucifer take Cas away, and if Cas’s brothers couldn’t find a solution he would have to take matters in his own hands.

No matter what it may cost him.

Even when Cas placed a finger beneath Dean’s chin, made him look over and started kissing him Dean couldn’t do anything but ponder.

***

The night was restless, Dean couldn’t pretend he wasn’t worried about the whole situation and he was unable to fall asleep. Eventually he found himself with Cas above him, grinding down against him and whispering sweet words in a rough voice. He was desperate, not wanting to give up this new life, this relationship, after such a short time.

The angel had always been aware that their time together was limited, that they would only have a few decades, and it would never have been enough for him but this… this just wasn’t fair. Castiel had lost everything and now he was about to lose something more precious than his entire previous existence.

When he came under Dean’s touches it was with tears in his eyes and a lump in his throat.

If only he could stop time, turn it back, really just do anything about it – but it was hopeless.

The other angels would never take him back as one of them, Lucifer would take him to hell no matter how much he resisted and he could not bear Dean getting hurt so there really wasn’t any other option.

With an arm wrapped around Dean’s waist, his head pressed against his chest and listening to Dean’s heartbeat gradually going back to normal while the human was still panting, Cas squeezed his eyes shut and tried to push everything to the back of his mind except for the here and now.

“Dean,” he started and cleared his throat, hating how weak his voice sounded. “Dean, I lo-”

“No, stop. Don’t. Don’t say it just ‘cause you feel this might be the last chance you get to say it,” Dean warned as he pulled Cas even closer but he didn’t sound as firm as he wanted to either. “You’ll only get to say that when this is over, you hear me?”

The truth was Dean was certain that hearing Cas say it out loud would make everything worse. It would make it so much harder if things didn’t work out. If he was being completely honest Dean did not expect the both of them getting through the next day, one of them would have to make a sacrifice – and go to hell in the most literal sense of the word.

Cas only buried his face in Dean’s chest and held on to him. At least Dean knew what he had wanted to say.

***

They didn’t know how much time had passed but it was still dark when Dean’s eyes flew open and he sat up.

“What is it?” Cas asked in confusion.

“Gabriel!”

Looking around, Cas couldn’t see his big brother anywhere. “Huh?”

Dean was wide awake. “I swear I just heard his voice, didn’t you hear anything?!”

“No, uh, he might just be talking to you, he’s not allowed to see me after all…” he mumbled, biting his lip. Nervousness had taken over Cas entirely. He needed to know what his brother wanted to tell Dean. Luckily Dean repeated the archangel’s words for him.

“He needs to talk to us. Both of us, actually, but he wants me to secure the room first so that no other angel or Lucifer can spy on us or something… Jesus, has anyone ever told him he’s gotta slow down when he’s using his telepathic powers? I don’t even get half of it.” Dean scrambled out of bed, padded into the kitchen and grabbed a knife. “Slow down, dammit,” he muttered.

Cas stared at him with wide eyes. “What are you doing?!”

“Just give me a moment, okay?” With that Dean made a cut on his forearm, hissing when the blade sliced his skin open, and set the knife aside.

“Dean!”

Shooing Cas back into the bedroom, Dean said, “’s nothing, now sit down and let me do this.” He closed the door behind them and started drawing a symbol on it with his blood. “This better works, Gabriel,” he growled quietly.

As if on cue the archangel and Balthazar appeared right behind him.

“Heya, Cassie,” Gabriel beamed at his little brother and Balthazar grinned.

“What are you doing here? You know you aren’t allowed to meet fallen angels,” Cas protested weakly, actually more than happy to see the two angels.

“There’s so much our little one here doesn’t know, isn’t there, Gabe?” Balthazar smirked. “We’re here to save your sorry ass.”

“How?” Dean and Cas uttered the question almost simultaneously.

“Aw, how cute, I might just throw up,” Gabriel mocked. “So, Cassie, we did some digging and came up with something.”

“You know there was no way that the elders would let you come back and take you in as an angel again,” Balthazar chimed in, “so we had to come up with something else.”

“Why are you even here, Balthazar?” Cas asked, a little confused.

“Ah, y’know, gotta be rebellious once in a while, huh?” The angel winked.

“Anyway,” Gabriel continued, “we found a solution. Since you’re not bound to heaven anymore dear old Luci can just drag you down to hell and technically you belong there, being a fallen one, disobeying and all. But,” and he made a dramatic pause, making Dean want to punch him, “if you’re bound to earth the rules are different.”


	37. Chapter 37

“You mean…” Dean started but Gabriel interrupted him.

“I mean you shut up and let me explain,” the archangel said, suddenly completely serious. “Cassie, you listen closely, ‘cause what we’re gonna tell you now is important and you’re the only one who can make this decision. But you’re probably not gonna like the solution.”

“We only came to tell you about this ‘cause we know how stubborn you are,” Balthazar added. “And because you take a liking to this human, for whatever reasons, and all of this would have been for nothing if Lucifer killed him.”

Cas gave a nod. “I understand. And I appreciate your help.”

Balthazar and Gabriel exchanged a glance, all their earlier cheerfulness and mockery gone. Finally Gabriel began to speak again. “An angel or a fallen angel can be bound to earth, means you’re neither allowed in heaven nor in hell but this way Lucifer can’t harm you. The procedure doesn’t take long, includes a spell and it’s said to be just a little painful. Apparently no angel has done it in tens of millions of years, though.”

“Because it’s a fucking stupid idea, that’s why” Balthazar grumbled. “You can never go back.”

“What does it take to perform this spell?” Cas asked quietly.

“That’s the catch. The main ingredient is your grace. Well, most of it anyway, not everything.”

Castiel’s eyes widened slightly and he swallowed, then a soft nod indicated his consent. “I’ll do it.”

Of course Dean had noticed his reaction. “What exactly does that mean?”

But he was ignored by the others. Instead of answering, Balthazar only stared at his little brother. “Cassie, listen. There’s no going back, no changing things. You’ll be bound to earth forever. Well, kind of. You have to think about it,” he adjured him.

A faint, sad smile crossed Cas’s face. “It’s not like I could go back to heaven anyway.”

“Yeah but there’s still –”

“I know. I don’t care.”

“Cas, what’s going on?!” Dean tried again. He had an incredibly bad feeling about this. There was more to Cas losing his grace, that much was obvious, and Dean actually started to doubt that this was a better option than Lucifer’s proposal.

With a glance at Dean Gabriel asked, “Castiel, do you really want to give up on everything like this? Plus you know Luci ain’t gonna be happy about this when he finds out.”

“As long as I can stay here I don’t care. He’s not going to hurt Dean, I’ll take care of him.”

“It’s not your little human we’re worried about, you know that,” Balthazar replied harshly. “You have to think about the consequences. If you go to hell you can come ba-”

“He’s not going to hell!” Dean interjected vehemently, tired of being ignored. “There has to be another way!”

Balthazar narrowed his eyes at Dean and growled, “You shut your mouth and stay out of this. You don’t get to have a say after all that you -”

A hand on his arm stopped the angel. “Balthazar, please. It’s not his fault,” Cas mumbled. “I am aware of the consequences, brother. But I am willing to do it anyway. I won’t leave Dean.”

“You’re not going to change your mind, are you?” Gabriel sounded frustrated.

“No, I’m not. Are you going to help me or not?”

Another glance was exchanged between the older angels followed by an almost defeated sigh from Balthazar, then both nodded curtly. “I still think you’re stupid for doing this though,” he informed Castiel.

“I know,” Cas said and paused for a moment before suggesting, “We should get started right away.”

“Fine. We’ll be back as soon as we got the other ingredients. And don’t even think about leaving this room, both of you,” Balthazar reminded them.

Pulling the door open, Gabriel muttered, “I can’t believe we’re doing this.” Then the two angels were gone.

Immediately Dean turned to Cas and glared at him. “You gonna tell me now what all of this will lead to?”

“I will have to stay on earth.”

“Yeah, thanks, Sherlock, I got that much. I meant what will losing your grace lead to?”

Cas slowly sat down on the edge of the bed and folded his hands in his lap. “I will lose even more of my powers. I’m not sure to what extent exactly, I wasn’t even aware there was a way I could… live on earth like this, that all of this was possible…” He looked up at Dean. “But I have to. Even if it means not being able to fly or something along those lines. I want to stay with you, Dean, don’t you understand? And I don’t want you to go to hell because of me, or worse.”

For a while Dean just looked back at Cas. Eventually he replied quietly, “I don’t like this. Really, what if something worse happens? And what about Lucifer? He’ll be pissed.”

“We’ll find a way to stay safe. It’ll be okay, Dean.”

Biting his lip, Dean slumped down next to Cas. There were so many questions and he still had a feeling he didn’t know all the consequences, he wasn’t told everything. “What if it goes wrong?”

“It won’t. Gabriel knows what he’s doing,” Castiel said, sounding more confident than he felt. He didn’t really know what was to be expected and the mere thought of losing his grace, only keeping enough to keep him alive, terrified him. It meant losing the last piece still connecting him to heaven, losing a part of himself and he had no idea how much it would affect him. Nonetheless he smiled faintly at Dean and took his hand, interlacing their fingers. “It’ll be alright. We’ll be alright. You have to have faith.”

Dean suppressed a scornful snort and just muttered, “It’s not exactly easy to have faith and be optimistic when the freakin’ devil is after you.”

“I know.”

They were both quiet for a while, both dwelling on their own thoughts. After several minutes, Cas broke the silence. “Dean, I think there is something you should kno-”

“Cassie, open the door,” Gabriel’s voice urged from the living room. 

Dean hadn’t even heard the usual flutter of wings and flinched, mentally cursing the archangel for his yet again terrible timing as Castiel got up to let his brothers in.

“We got everything we need for the spell. You really sure about this, bro?” Gabriel asked again.

Cas only nodded, teeth clenched. This would change his existence like nothing before had.


	38. Chapter 38

While Gabriel mixed the ingredients in a small bowl he must have grabbed in the kitchen, a grim expression on his face, Dean kept looking from him to Cas and back. Balthazar was leaning against the wall, looking like he would rip out Dean’s throat any moment. Dean avoided looking at him and glanced yet again at the bowl in Gabriel’s hands. He didn’t even want to know what all of this stuff the archangel was throwing together was. Instead he focused on Castiel and tried to comfort him.

“You said it’s gonna be okay and it will be, got it?” he whispered and held Cas close.

“It’s really not,” Balthazar growled more to himself. His mood seemed to change for the worse with every passing minute as he glared at Dean, gritting his teeth and pacing the small room.

Dean glowered at him. “Can you shut up?”

Apparently, this was the final straw. In a split second the angel was towering over Dean, grabbing his shirt. “No I can’t ‘cause this is all your fault! You’re the reason Castiel got into this fucked up situation and he’s the one who has to pay the price now!”

“Whoa, what’s that supposed to mean?! I didn’t call the fucking devil!” Dean protested and clenched his fists.

“It was my decision and you know that,” Cas interrupted before Balthazar could reply, his voice quiet but firm. “And now I am going to do this. I know that I’ll lose my powers but I’m willing to give them up.”

“Lose your powers?! You know that’s not everything! And for what? A human?! Maybe fifty or sixty years with this evolved, hairless ape?! He’s got self-esteem issues and will probably develop a real alcohol problem in a few years and if you’re even more lucky he’ll cheat on you in a couple months or years and finally leave you! You’re a bloody moron, Castiel!” Balthazar was almost yelling at this point, completely ignoring Dean’s indignant, “Hey! What the fuck?!”

Gabriel stood behind Balthazar, arms crossed over his chest, bowl long forgotten, watching his brothers closely but without intervening as Cas got up, glaring at his brother.

“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” Cas said, outwardly calm, but both angels as well as Dean knew him well enough to realise the angel was furious.

“Oh really? I’m not the one who’s blind and stupid ‘cause he thinks he’s in love with a dumb human!”

Castiel managed to pull himself together as he replied quietly. “No, because you don’t even know what love is. You have never felt it. I know you mean well but I know what I want. And I know Dean won’t hurt me.”

“Did he tell you that? Did he say he’s never going to leave you? How can you trust him?!” Letting go of Dean and shoving him back down on the bed, Balthazar turned to face his younger brother. “Humans change their minds all the time! After all he’s caused already -”

“It’s enough, Balthazar. I will not change my mind, I’m going to do this. And neither will he. He’s my soulmate.” The angel sounded almost defiant.

“Soulmate?! Which world do you live in?! Castiel, you don’t even have a fucking soul! You’re an angel! And how can you give up on everything?! You know this is your de-”

Finally Dean had enough. “Stop it! You said it yourself, there isn’t any other option! What do you expect him to do? You don’t want him to go to hell, do you?! And I’m not gonna leave him even though you don’t believe it. I won’t.”

Before he could even blink Balthazar had grabbed him again and pinned him against the nearest wall, glaring at him and hissing, “He should save himself. You’re a petty, irrelevant creature, you’re nothing! He has so much to live for and you are ruining everything! You’re killing him! I expect him to think about himself for once in his damn life!”

“I can’t do that, Balthazar.” With soft power Cas managed to pull his brother away from Dean and forced him to meet his eyes. “I’m already bound to him. There’s nothing you can do about it, I’m sorry.”

Balthazar pushed him away forcefully, causing Cas to stumble backwards until his back hit the door. “Why can’t you see he’s not worth it?! How can you be this stupid? Gabriel, why aren’t you saying anything?!” He stared at the archangel who had watched the argument quietly.

“It’s not our place to tell him what to do. You know I don’t like it either but what do you suggest we do to stop him? Lock him up?”

With a shrug Balthazar took a step towards Dean. “We could kill the human.”

“You’re not going to hurt him!” But Cas was held back by Gabriel before he could do anything to protect Dean.

“You still haven’t told him, Cassie, have you?” Gabriel asked, ignoring the way Castiel struggled against his grasp. “You have to understand Balthi, he only wants what’s best for you. We both do. I’m sure Dean would understand, too. We’re your big brothers, we just wanna protect you.”

“By killing the only person who was there for me after all that has happened?!”

“By protecting you from yourself. After all, he is the reason you fell. And if you’re bound to earth he will be the one who’s responsible for your death. I’m sure your boytoy doesn’t want that.” Gabriel faked a grim smile.

Dean’s heart constricted at those words and he gaped at them. “What?! Cas, he’s lying, right? What the hell is he talking about?!”


	39. Chapter 39

“You don’t even know half of the story, Dean, do you?” Gabriel asked. Unlike Balthazar he was calm, level-headed, and Cas could only watch as Dean stared bewilderedly at the archangel before he eyed Cas.

“What is he talking about, Cas?” he asked quietly, doubt, despair and fear in his eyes.

When Balthazar stepped aside and crossed his arms Gabriel pushed Castiel towards Dean. “C’mon, Cassie, it’s about time you tell him. We’ll wait.”

“You cannot make me,” Cas whispered.

Gabriel replied, “True, but which option would you prefer? Either you tell him or we do.”

“Cas, what is all of this about?” Dean’s panic was almost choking him and he noticed how terrified he sounded. He didn’t understand any of this, didn’t want to understand it, but he knew it was important. This time it might actually be a matter of life and death like Gabriel had put it the previous day. And he was horrified by the archangel’s implications. “How am I the reason…? And why the fuck would you die?!”

“Dean, please, calm down, it’s not like -”

“Tell him, Castiel, and stop sugarcoating it,” Balthazar growled.

Biting his lip, Cas weighed his options for several seconds and finally looked up at his brothers. “Leave us alone for a moment.”

“But -”

“No. Get out. I’ll talk to him. In private. Go.”

With a glare at Dean Balthazar tore open the door and stepped into the adjacent living room. Gabriel followed him hesitantly, closing the door behind them.

“Cas, what -”

Before Dean could ask the same questions yet again Cas pressed a kiss to his lips and silenced him. When he drew back he smiled sadly. “I never meant to tell you because I didn’t want you to feel bad or responsible for anything that happened. I know how you beat yourself up and think everything bad around you is your fault. That’s not the case, do you understand me?”

Dean nodded curtly even though he didn’t understand what Cas was trying to tell him at all.

“Sit down, please.” The angel gestured at the bed and when Dean just stayed right where he was Cas took a seat and pulled Dean next to him. “I’ll make it short, we don’t have much time. There are a few things I never told you.”

And he began to answer the questions Dean had been asking himself for weeks, the ones he’d kept to himself because he had thought it was none of his business and maybe also because wasn’t sure he wanted to know the truth about Castiel’s fall. Being one of the youngest angels Cas had been supposed to watch the earth, observe God’s creation and he had eventually started studying humans, completely fascinated with their behaviour for centuries. Some of his brothers and sisters had teased him about being obsessed with the human race but he had never paid their accusations any mind. Until a few years ago.

“Do you know why Lucifer fell?” Cas asked quietly.

For a moment Dean thought about the question. “’cause he loved God more than anything and refused to love humans even though he was supposed to?”

Castiel nodded and stared blankly at the ground. “That’s correct. We are supposed to love God's creation more than him and all of it equally.”

“But… what’s that got to do with you?” Dean wasn’t quite following.

The silence that followed Dean’s question lasted almost an eternity – at least it felt that way for Dean. Eventually Cas whispered, “I loved something more than all the other creations. That’s why they cast me out. I fell... for a human. I fell in love with you, Dean, and that was my downfall.”

Dean gaped at him for a few moments. “You… what? Does that mean… When you told me earlier you fell for me you actually meant… from heaven?!”

“Yes. You’re extraordinary, Dean, and I tried to fight it, believe me, I did, but I couldn’t. It wasn’t a coincidence you found me there that night, either. I knew you’d drive by.”

“You gave up everything! You’re entire existence!” Dean couldn’t believe it.

Cas took his hand and smiled. “But I got you instead.”

“What if this hadn’t worked out? What if it doesn’t? Balthazar could be ri-”

“No he’s not. Everything will be fine,” Cas insisted. He didn’t want Dean to start doubting what they had, especially not now. “There’s another important matter I should tell you about. Losing my grace means more than losing a few more powers.” He swallowed and continued in a whisper, “Without it I’ll be mortal.”

“What? No! You can’t die! How can you even consider this if it means dying?!”

“Otherwise Lucifer will hurt you or worse. He won’t jus-”

“No, Cas, you’re not doing this!”

Taking Dean’s hands in his own, Cas met his eyes and smiled earnestly for the first time since Lucifer had showed up. “It makes perfect sense, actually. I can grow old with you. Sure, I have a little more time than you, I presume, but I won’t outlive you for billions of years and only have a few decades with you before being alone for all eternity. We can be together here and… and when I die I will see you again, you know.”

“You can’t be serious.”

“I’d rather die than let anything happen to you or seeing you in hell. Don’t you understand? I can stay with you and no one will notice that I don’t age because I actually will. We would even share a heaven.”

Dean furrowed his brow. “We’d what?”

“I’ll explain that later. You know it’s my life and even if you don’t agree I will do this.”

“I don’t want you to die,” Dean mumbled with a lump in his throat. “Not because of me…”

“It’s not just because of you. Could you imagine me in hell?”

That made Dean chuckle involuntarily. “I guess not,” he admitted.

“See. And I’ll die after you so you don’t have to be alone.” Castiel knew it was a long shot, assuming they’d be together until death parted them, and he was aware that Balthazar could be right about Dean changing his mind but he was determined to take any chance he was given.

“Will you still have any of your powers?”

Cas shrugged lightly. “I don’t know. We’ll have to find out.”

Clenching his teeth, Dean eventually nodded. “I don’t like this. Not at all. But I’ll be with you and help you get used to it fi that’s what you want, okay?” he said quietly.

The angel nodded thankfully. “I should do it now before Lucifer gets back.” He got up but Dean’s hand holding his stopped him.

“You’ll still be my angel, got that?” Dean smiled faintly and Cas pulled him down into a desperate kiss.

Not that he would tell Dean but Cas was terrified. He knew the consequences and even though the thought of being able to stay with Dean was somewhat comforting becoming mortal truly horrified him. Growing old, getting sick, dying – those were things he’d never had to worry about before, they had barely occurred to him. And now they would hang over his head like the sword of Damocles, constantly reminding him of his mortality, making him count the seconds until he would die.


	40. Chapter 40

When they opened the door to the living room they were met with Balthazar’s cold glare and Gabriel’s defeated expression. “You’re really gonna do this, Cassie, aren’t ya?” the archangel asked as he entered the bedroom again, Balthazar right behind him.

“Yes. And I really appreciate your help. I understand that you don’t like it -”

Balthazar snorted humourlessly. “That’s the understatement of the millennium.”

“I know. I’m sorry about everything I put you through,” Cas mumbled and stared at the ground, his grip on Dean’s hand tightening.

“You better make sure your little human takes care of you though,” Gabriel grumbled and set the bowl with the ingredients for the spell on the bed. His features softened when he turned to look at Castiel again. “But don’t worry, Cassie, we’ll see to it that you get into heaven again, promise. You ain’t gonna get rid of us that easily.”

Cas swallowed and forced himself to smile. “Thank you, Gabriel. For everything.”

“Alright, let’s get this over with, don’t wanna have Luci bursting in while we’re in the middle of the spell now, do we?” Balthazar interjected impatiently, trying not to show how hard it was for him seeing his little brother fall even further – even if not in the literal sense this time.

“You’re right.” Giving a small nod Cas looked over to his brother. “What do I have to do?”

Exchanging a glance, Balthazar and Gabriel seemed to have a whole silent conversation in that moment. “Sit down,” Gabriel finally said quietly. “We’re gonna burn this stuff and say the spell while we take your grace, this way you won’t die because of your missing grace but instead turn mortal.”

Castiel didn’t reply, he just took a seat on the bed and let go of Dean’s hand, hoping no one would notice how his own fingers were shaking. He clasped them in his lap and met Gabriel’s eyes. “I’m ready.”

“There’s no going back,” Balthazar reminded him one last time.

“I am aware of that. Start with the spell, please.”

With a clench of his teeth Balthazar lit a match and threw it into the bowl, setting the ingredients on fire, and Gabriel started mumbling hushed words in Enochian. Castiel’s body was shaking but the angel was determined to follow through with the ritual. There was just no other way.

When Gabriel pulled an angel blade from his jacket Cas bit his lip and tried to stay calm. He knew it would most likely hurt a little but it wasn’t the pain he was afraid of. He quickly cast a glance at Dean who couldn’t avert his eyes from his angel, then looked up at Gabriel again. The tiny nod he gave was all the confirmation Gabriel needed, he could see that his little brother would not change his mind. 

Continuing to mutter words only the angels understood Gabriel stepped forward and set the blade on Cas’s neck. Castiel’s hands clenched in his lap but he didn’t pull back, just waited for the incision. He held completely still when the archangel carefully drew the blade over Cas’s neck, causing the skin to break and leaving a tiny cut. Cas hissed and squeezed his eyes shut, he didn’t want to see his grace leaving him but he couldn’t help but feel it seeping out of his body, leaving him empty.

It hurt, burned, and felt like someone was draining every single molecule of his being right out of him. When his head started feeling dizzy his eyes flew open and he gasped. The horror on Dean’s face was the last thing he saw before the world went black.

***

When consciousness pulled at him he wasn’t sure where he was, what had happened, who – or maybe what? – he was. It was like the time when he’d woken up after God had created him billions of years ago and yet completely different. He faintly remembered faces, voices, but couldn’t place them. A word, maybe a name, he couldn’t quite grasp, that was barely there but just out of his reach like it teased him, mocked him, and for the fraction of a second or perhaps an eternity he remembered wings, white like snow, crumbling to black ashes. He tried to scream but there wasn’t any air in his lungs, he didn’t even know if he needed it or if it was an illusion but no noise left his lips.

The only thing he remembered was God.

But who was this God? Was it him? His creator? Someone his mind had made up?

Questions upon questions but not a single answer.

What if he was God and just sleeping, dreaming, and this – whatever he was – was nothing but the result of a dream? Or was he awake? He couldn’t see, couldn’t move, couldn’t talk and slowly fear started to creep through him, claw at him.

Perhaps he was delusional, or worse, dead, and this was what came after life. A life he couldn’t recall.

Eventually, he wouldn’t have been able to tell how much time had passed even if his life had depended on it, he felt something touching him. Air rushed into his lungs and he coughed. A sharp pain shot through his body and he wanted to cry out but couldn’t.

Since when did his body feel so heavy? Since when was pain this severe? And since when did emotions feel so… intense?

Then the memories came rushing back and he gasped again, this time in panic. Was he dead? He couldn’t have died, Gabriel surely knew what he was doing. But everything was so heavy he couldn’t move a muscle.

The voice calling his name sounded so far away, impossibly distant, but Castiel immediately recognised it, still a soft whimper was all he could muster up as a response.

“Cas, hey, look at me, please! Please… – Is he gonna be all right?!”

“Calm down. He’s okay. Just isn’t used to breathing and all the other stuff humans need to do to stay alive. He’ll come around.” Gabriel. His big brother was still there, Cas realised with relief. He would know what to do.

Suddenly something warm was cupping his face and he finally managed to crack an eye open. “Hnnng…”

“Hey there,” Dean mumbled and smiled at him – and by God, it lit up Castiel’s world. He tried to smile back but every single muscle in his body hurt. Gravity was a literal pain.

“Can you sit up?”

Cas tried but it was too hard so he just closed his eyes and took a deep breath, trying to get accustomed to the sensation. He slowly opened his eyes again and saw Balthazar come close before his hands gently pulled him up and held him in a sitting position. “How are you feeling?”

For a few seconds Cas just blinked and looked around. Everything seemed so dull, almost as if he had forfeited most of his eyesight, but eventually he realised this had to be what human vision was like, and he swallowed hard. Carefully he turned his head, moved an arm and finally sat up straight on his own. That was when another realisation hit him. Even though his whole body still felt incredibly heavy a familiar weight was missing.

His voice was hoarse when he finally managed to whisper a few words. “I can’t feel my wings.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So much has happened in the past week - mostly university finally really starting and me having to figure out a lot of stuff and all - so I'm sorry it took another week to update again - but I have good news: My papers are finally done! Woohoo!  
> This mainly means that I finally have more time to write now (well, except for the part that I finally gotta start making preparations for a con - Germany has its own SPN convention and I'm so fucking excited :o plus two weeks for a whole cosplay isn't much but whatever) and I hope to get back to updating more regularly again :)  
> And oh my God, we're at more than 50.000 words now. Wow. This is just incredible. Thank you guys so much for reading and your kudos and comments, you're really keeping me motivated and all and just... thank you!


	41. Chapter 41

“This is all your fault,” Balthazar hissed at Dean.

Cas only growled. “Stop it. Gabriel… where are my wings?” He tried not to panic but it was hard, so hard when he felt so different and he had to remind himself to breathe so he wouldn’t black out again. He just hoped this would get easier with time.

Laying a hand on Castiel’s shoulder, Gabriel mumbled, “I’m sorry, Cassie…”

“But… They can’t be…”

“You’re basically human now. Humans don’t have wings. I’m so sorry.”

Dean stared at Cas, unable to say anything, and watched as a tear started running down Cas’s cheek. But the former angel took a deep, shaky breath, and wiped it away vigorously. “I’ll be okay,” he whispered and bit his lip. Eventually he mumbled, “You should probably go before anyone notices…”

“’s not like the others won’t realise you’re mortal now,” Balthazar muttered.

“Just take care of yourself, okay?” Gabriel squeezed Cas’s shoulder gently. “And beware of Lucifer. You have to be careful now, you know that.”

Cas nodded softly, feeling dizzy immediately. “We’ll take precautions.”

With visible effort Gabriel forced himself to smile somewhat reassuringly. “Good. We’ll see you again in a couple decades, got that, punk?”

“Yes. Thank you for everything.”

Gabriel patted him on the shoulder and took a step back.

Still sounding gruff Balthazar grumbled, “You better make sure you live those couple decades, dumbass,” but he gave Cas a quick hug before he nodded at Gabriel. “Let’s go.”

A last glance back, then both angels were out the door and a flutter of their wings indicated their departure, leaving Dean and Cas alone in the too quiet apartment. For a while both didn’t say a single word, Cas still trying to wrap his mind around the whole situation and Dean just helpless and unsure what he should say or do.

“You’ll help me figure this mortal thing out, right?” Castiel eventually broke the silence in a small voice.

“Yeah, sure, of course, I’ll do everything I can,” Dean immediately assured. “How are you feeling?” he asked quietly and sat down next to Cas.

“Heavy. Gravity is a very strange thing. And… I don’t know, dizzy and like I might just lose consciousness again, plus it’s hard to think straight and to even keep my eyes open. I don’t really understand what’s going on…”

Dean smiled softly. “Sounds like you’re tired.”

“But… I don’t even know how to sleep. And I can’t fall asleep now, Lucifer might show up any second. We have to make sure nothing happens.”

“There’s nothing to know, you just do it. Tell me what I gotta do and I’ll help you with the, uh, protection stuff.”

Castiel thought about it for a moment, blinking slowly. His train of thought was so much slower than usually and he almost started regretting his decision. Almost. “I need a permanent marker, a piece of paper and some chalk or something. And the knife you used earlier.”

With a nod Dean stood up and left to get the things Cas needed. Right then he wasn’t sure what he should worry about more, his boyfriend or the devil coming to get him – or rather said devil’s reaction when he found out that Cas wasn’t a fallen angel anymore and couldn’t just be taken to hell. He didn’t know if Lucifer could just kill people or if he’d prefer to let them suffer before they died a slow death but he definitely imagined the most gruesome things – trying not to think about ways Lucifer might punish Cas was almost impossible but Dean focused on the task ahead. “What do you need me to do?” he asked when he got back to the bedroom where Cas was still sitting on the bed.

Cas flinched and looked up at Dean with heavy, unfocused eyes. “First of all you have to take off your shirt.”

“What? Do you really think now’s the time -?”

“Just do it.” Impatiently he grabbed the permanent marker from Dean’s hand and got up while Dean hesitantly pulled his shirt over his head.

“Now what?”

Pulling off the marker’s cap, Cas stepped forward and explained, “This will only do for a while but right now it’s better than nothing.”

“Huh?” Dean narrowed his eyes and took a step back. “Dude, you wanna draw on me with Sharpie? Are you serious?”

“It will protect you from Lucifer’s powers,” Cas explained and grabbed Dean’s arm, “he can’t harm you as long as you have this symbol on your skin. Plus he can’t let any of his demons possess you. Now if you’d hold still…” 

It didn’t take the former angel long to draw the symbol on Dean’s chest as Dean watched him sceptically, everything but happy with his actions. When Cas was done he took the paper and drew a second, more intricate symbol onto it, then handed it to Dean. “Draw this on the front door with the chalk and make sure to lock everything, too. I’ll take care of the rest.”

As Dean left Cas walked to the window, blinking against the light of the rising sun filtering through the blinds, and raised the knife to his forearm to slice his skin open. As soon as the blade cut into his skin he took a sharp breath and clenched his teeth. So this was what pain felt like for humans. It was intense, a lot worse than what he was used to – and what he had expected – and the blood steadily trickling down his arm worried him already. Quickly he dipped his fingertips into the blood and drew a sigil onto the window glass, hoping this would work. After all mortal blood was a lot less powerful than an angel’s one.

In no time the window in the living room was adorned by a bloody symbol as well. Dean was still drawing his symbol onto the front door so Cas grabbed a cloth and pressed it onto the cut on his forearm. He was still feeling dizzy, maybe even more than before, and barely able to force his eyes to stay open.

Just a minute or two, he told himself and sat down on the bed, leaning against the headboard, it wouldn’t matter. Just a few moments of rest, then he’d feel better. Just until Dean was done. Maybe the silence around him that came with not being able to hear everything in a two mile radius was a good thing after all, he thought as he closed his eyes – then he was asleep, for the very first time in his existence.

Hours later Castiel woke again his a sore back and stiff neck – and immediately he knew something was wrong. Very wrong. He got up, wincing at the pain of his aching muscles, and padded into the living room to find it empty.

“Dean?”

There was no way Dean would just leave him all alone, Cas was sure about that. He checked the kitchenette, the bathroom, even the closet, nothing. When he tore open the door to the small hallway he spotted the symbol Dean had drawn onto the front door. It was unfinished, the chalk abandoned on the floor two feet away, and the door was ajar.


	42. Chapter 42

“Dean?” Castiel tried again. Once more no one answered.

With a painful sensation in his chest and panic rising, making him nauseous, he pulled the door to the hallway open and looked up and down the stairs. “…Dean?”

Nothing.

This was bad. Extremely bad.

“No, please not…” he whispered and bit his lip hard enough to draw blood. Begging everyone in heaven who was listening that Dean was safe, that there was a logical explanation that he was gone other than what Cas feared most and knowing most angels would watch with satisfaction that it came all crashing down on him now rather than help him he ran down the stairs, almost tripping over his own feet, and searched the street for any sign of Dean. His boyfriend was nowhere to be seen.

This was his fault. He had fallen asleep and Lucifer or one of his minions must have gotten a hold of Dean.

A ridiculous yet hopeful thought crossed Cas’s mind a moment later. Maybe Dean was at work or at his brother’s. Immediately Cas hurried up the stairs again and clutched the phone with his hands. First he called Bobby’s auto shop but Dean’s superior gruffly told him that no, Dean hadn’t showed up but if he wanted to keep his job he better make up for all of the days he’d missed recently, so Cas hung up. He knew he was grasping at straws by now and it was more than highly unlikely that Dean had just gone off just like that but still he searched for Dean’s phone – Dean would rarely leave without it – and eventually found it in the bedroom on the nightstand under a pile of books, magazines and condom wrappers. Another bad sign.

It took Cas a few minutes to find Sam’s number after he had entered Dean’s code, not experienced with this kind of mobile phone – Dean called it a ‘smart’ phone for whatever reason, in Cas’s opinion it was rather complicated and dumb – and his hands were shaking as he waited for Sam to pick up.

“Hey, Dean, right now isn’t really a good -” 

Cas’s heart pounded painfully in his chest. “Sam, it’s Castiel. I take it Dean is not with you?”

The surprise and worry in Sam’s voice was unmistakable. “Oh, uh, hi. No, why would he? Is everything okay?”

When he heard Sam’s concern Cas couldn’t pull himself together anymore and the words flooded out of him, forming incoherent sentences. “No, Dean’s not… This is all… And Lucifer… Please, I can’t… I don’t kn-know what I should… Gone, he’s just…”

Soft but firm words interrupted Cas’s outburst. “Hey, calm down, okay? Breathe. I mean, um, you don’t need to, but…”

Breathe. Right. He had to breathe and think straight, focus. His breath hitched but he finally formed a whole sentence. “Sam, I need your help, please. Dean’s just gone and this is… this is horrible. Please, please, help me.”

“What happened?” Now Sam sounded alarmed, too.

“Can you come over?”

He could hear the quiet sigh but Sam replied, “Sure, I’ll have someone cover for me,” before the line was dead.

Explaining to Dean’s brother why Dean was gone and more importantly where he’d presumably vanished to and why terrified Cas but he knew there was no way he could just hide it from Sam, it wasn’t fair and Dean would want him to tell Sam – at least Cas though so. Plus he really needed someone with a clear head.

Castiel thought he might throw up any second as he paced from the living room to the bathroom and back restlessly. All the horrible scenarios playing in his head of what Lucifer was doing to Dean right then only fuelled Cas’s terror. This was, by far, the biggest mistake he had made in his entire existence. 

Not falling in love with a human. Not falling from heaven because of said human.

No. Falling asleep at the worst time possible, making him responsible for Dean’s disappearance.

Only when the doorbell rang and Sam stood outside the door seconds later did Cas stop thinking about what he had heard about Lucifer’s torture methods for a moment. He swallowed dryly and let Sam enter the apartment. If he was being honest Dean’s brother still intimidated Castiel with his mere height and now he was downright scared of what he might do to him when he told the younger Winchester what had happened to Dean.

Of course Sam didn’t waste any time with pleasantries. “Where is Dean? And what’s going on?” he asked as soon as the door was closed behind him, staring down at Cas.

Cas couldn’t bear Sam’s stare so he averted his eyes and focused on a spot on the floor as he barely managed to whisper a response. “He’s in hell. With Lucifer, I suppose. He was taken, I’m sure of it, and I don’t know what to do. I honestly just wish all of this would never have happened, I’m so sorry…” He hated how his voice broke and he started to shake as he fought back tears. If he had thought his emotions on earth as fallen angel were intense it was nothing compared to human emotions.

“What the -? Lucifer, the devil?! Why would he want to kidnap Dean?! Is this some kind of joke?” It was obvious Sam didn’t think this was funny.

Castiel dared glancing up at Sam and softly shook his head. He swallowed again in a futile attempt to get rid of the lump in his throat and summed up the events of the previous days quietly. Sam listened with disbelief and shock, his jaw clenching, probably so as not to shout as Cas, the former angel presumed.

When Cas finally admitted he had fallen asleep and now Dean had vanished without a trace he was a shaking, sobbing mess to put it mildly. To his surprise Sam didn’t yell at him, didn’t curse him or punch him, no, instead long arms wrapped around him and he was pulled into an awkward hug.

“It’s gonna be okay, we’ll find him. Dean’s tough, he’s always gotten through everything,” Sam tried to assure him but even Cas realised Sam didn’t really believe what he was saying himself.

“But this is Lucifer we’re talking about,” he sniffed and freed himself from the embrace. “You don’t know him, he’s -”

“I’m what, Castiel? And I think I’d actually like to get to know this friend of yours,” a voice behind him said, clearly amused. “Looks a lot more interesting than your boy toy, I’m already bored with him. Always the same threats, profanities and screams, nothing new.”

Cas didn’t have to turn to immediately know it was his brother talking but still he whirled around, desperate to see Dean at Lucifer’s side. But the king of hell was alone and stared over Castiel’s head with a smirk, right at the younger Winchester.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again :)  
> So, after the (positive) shock of last night's episode (yes, I cried, sue me but it was just too much, I really can't even express what I felt) I finally got some inspiration to write again, yay!  
> Right now I'm super busy with my cosplay because the convention is next week but after that I finally have more time again! Soo I really hope you like this chapter (have some Sam again, yay!) and I'd also love to know what you guys thought of the newest episode if you've watched it yet (am I the only one who cried?? I think not, right?)


	43. Chapter 43

Darkness surrounded him and dozens of screams echoed through the air but he couldn’t see their sources, couldn’t even move his body. Perhaps it was better that way, Dean thought as the next scream rang in his ears and he winced. He tried to turn his head and look around but all he saw was a seemingly endless, black void. Someone or something he hadn’t seen had appeared in his apartment, grabbed him and brought him here, that was all he could remember. Then the world – or rather hell, he presumed – had gone black and he’d lost consciousness for a while.

Cas. Oh God, he hoped Cas was alright. How long had he been gone? Where was the angel? Had he been taken –

The next high pitched scream caused Dean to flinch but the laughter that followed was worse. It was close, way too close for comfort, and he still couldn’t see anything except dark nothingness. Before he could wrack his brain even more about Castiel’s whereabouts, how he could possibly be floating in endless nothingness or what might come next his surroundings suddenly changed and he found himself in a small, dim room with stone walls covered in dark red stains and chains hanging from the ceiling. 

“You have no idea how satisfying it is to see you here,” someone hidden in the dark shadows of one of the corners purred, and Dean knew the voice was familiar but only when the person stepped forward did he recognise her. “Watching the angel fall for you – pun intended – was quite a surprise after all Lucifer told us about him, brave little soldier, always following orders back when the king still was God’s favourite, but your homosexual crisis took the entertainment to a whole new level. And when I got to meet you and Cas I could barely wait for this to happen.”

“I gotta say I really shouldn’t be surprised, you always were a major pain in the ass,” Dean shot back, hoping he sounded more confident than he actually felt, “but I gotta ask, what exactly are you? Lucifer’s bitch?”

Rolling her eyes, Meg stopped right in front of Dean and looked up at him. “You’re even dumber than you look, or is that you trying to be funny? I’m a demon, darling, and one of his favourites. Now since we’re done with the formalities, let’s get to the fun part. Unfortunately I was only supposed to bring you here but the king was so kind as to let me watch the show. And maybe we will have the pleasure to get real close later. But for now… I think it’s time you meet Alastair.”

***

With a snarl Castiel grabbed Lucifer and shoved him against the door frame, glaring up at him. “What did you do to him?” he hissed. He didn’t care about the threat Lucifer posed, not right then. All he could think about was the terrible punishment Dean was most likely enduring that very moment and getting him back safely.

Lucifer just grinned at Cas. “Somebody’s gotta learn their lesson. You didn’t really believe I’d just let that slide, did you, dear brother? You cannot cross me like this and not expect some kind of punishment. But I have to say I’m a little impressed.” His smirk grew even wider. “You’re going to die for him. You really are going to die for this puny little human. Didn’t see that one coming to be honest. Now the question is… when are you going to die? And how? Have you already thought about that? I bet you haven’t. You wanna know what I’m picturing? You probably don’t, but I’m gonna tell you anyway. I’d love to see you bite the dust with a big boom. An explosion maybe, or even better, a plane crash. Wouldn’t that be hilarious? A former angel dying in a plane crash because he can’t fly anymore. I’d just love that. Of course I don’t wish you to suffer too much, you’re my brother after all, but that would be so ironic.”

Completely ignoring Lucifer’s monologue, Cas gripped Lucifer’s shirt more tightly and growled, “Where is he and what did you do to him? I swear I will do everything in my power to make you pay for this.”

Lucifer only laughed at the threat and pushed Castiel off of him, making him stumble into Sam’s arms.

“Look at you, all weak and… well, human. It’s almost sad. I told you, I made him scream a little. Not me personally, mind you, it’s not like I’m gonna get my hands dirty with something like your pathetic boyfriend, I have my people for that. And trust me when I say he only gets the best. You know, time moves differently in hell, he’s already been there a few days and believe me, he did his best not to make a single noise for quite some time. But after a while they break, they all break, and then it’s just begging and curses and miserable little whines in between agonised screams. However I get bored easily and your toy really isn’t any different from the rest of them. A little more broken already, maybe, but that’s it. Nothing special. Really don’t understand why you take such an interest in him.” With a glance over Cas’s head Lucifer continued, “But now that I’m here… seems like there’s something way more worthwhile. Honestly, I’d love to make this one scream, if you know what I mean.” He winked at Sam.


	44. Chapter 44

“Stop that. What do you want from me, Lucifer?” Cas had regained his balance and glared up at his brother.

Shrugging nonchalantly, Lucifer said, “Oh, I want you to suffer. Not in the you-dying-way, of course, but you know. Told ya, you can’t just expect me not to do anything about this. Just ‘cause you’re my little brother doesn’t mean you get any kind of special treatment, after all I’m the king of hell. Otherwise people might think they can get away with everything.”

Castiel swallowed hard. “You got Dean, you hurt him, I’m suffering. Let him go, I’m… I’m begging you, Lucifer. Please, just tell me what you want in exchange.”

“Hmm… What do I want in exchange?” A dramatic pause while Lucifer pretended to think about it. Eventually, he continued, “As I said, you’re just not very appealing anymore. You’re just human. But now that I’m here…I think there actually is something I’d like to have.”

Sam’s eyes widened in realisation as the king of hell smirked at him suggestively. “Is… is he serious?” 

Castiel stared at his older brother. “No. No, you know you can’t have him.”

“Oh, and why not? If that’s what I want… Isn’t it worth saving Dean?” Lucifer asked sardonically, crossing his arms over his chest.

“Not his brother!” the former angel snarled.

“Cassie, you’ve always been such a killjoy. And you can’t really be surprised, I mean look at him. Now that’s a guy worth noticing, not like your toy. I’ve always had a soft spot for tall, well built, dark haired guys you should know,” he directed at Sam and smiled wickedly.

The bitchface directed at the devil said enough since Sam didn’t dare to talk back to the devil himself – God only knew what that might cost him.

“Not him, Lucifer,” Cas insisted. “I couldn’t live with myself knowing that he’s suffering in hell because of you – and Dean… he would probably kill me,” he added quietly. “I… I’ll give you what you want but not him.”

“But he is what I want,” Lucifer stated dryly. “Why don’t we let him decide? It’s his life after all.”

“I’m n-”

But Cas didn’t even let Sam finish. “Just leave him out of this!”

“Oh, he’s already neck deep in this shit – the shit you’re responsible for. Oh, and by the way, it’s not like I need your permission anyway. Technically I can just take whatever or whoever I want.”

“You know that’s not how this works. If you just take a human Raphael or Uriel are going to show up. There are rules, Lucifer.”

Castiel’s statement made his older brother laugh out. “Rules? Are you – are you seriously trying to tell me about rules? Good one, Castiel, really. Didn’t know you could actually be funny.”

“Just tell me. Anything else, anything you want beside Sam.”

“Let’s face it, baby brother. You don’t have anything you could offer me.”

Taking a deep breath Cas looked straight into his brother’s eyes. “I have one thing you might want.”

“Oh, really.” Lucifer snorted.

“I can offer you my soul.”

The king of hell gaped at Castiel in disbelief. “Your soul?!”

***

“This is what you call torture? I’ve had tiny ghosts going harder on me,” Dean spit out.

Meg who was leaning against the opposite wall watching Dean and Alastair raised a brow and grinned at the other demon. “Aww, isn’t he adorable, trying to hide his pain and look all tough?” she mocked.

Alastair ignored her and gripped Dean’s jaw, slamming his head against the wall behind him, then leaned close and growled, “We’re only getting started. Keep in mind, we have all the time in the world.”

Blinking in an attempt to fight the dizziness, Dean tried to focus on Alastair’s face. “Honestly, Meg’s stupid jabbering is more torturous than whatever the hell you’re doing here.” 

“We’ll see about that in a minute,” Alastair hissed and it was a dark, terrifying promise he intended to keep as he retreated to the table with instruments of torture near the door of the cell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello hello :) I just wanted to let you guys know that I decided it's time for a break for me since I've had struggle writing for quite some time now. I know hiatus just started and this is probably a bad timing but I really hope you'll bear with me and be patient nonetheless. I love hearing from you and even though I love writing this verse I don't think I will update it for two or three weeks because I really need to start working on my bachelor thesis and also take some time to get my inspiration back


	45. Chapter 45

Shaking his head, Lucifer started, “Castiel, you don’t even -” but the former angel didn’t let him finish.

“I am mortal now; I’m basically human. I must have a soul.”

Lucifer blinked once, twice at him, then slowly asked, “Do you even realise what this means? Do you have any idea what you’re offering, what you’re willing to do? You can’t just sell your soul to me in exchange for your boyfriend!”

“Why, did you just get a conscience?” Cas snapped. “You suddenly scruple?! After billions of years you reject such an offer because… because of what?”

“You’re still my brother,” Lucifer replied with a shrug of his shoulders. “I just want your best. Wait, no, that’s not entirely true, but c’mon, Cassie, that pathetic human you have a little crush on isn’t worth it.”

“As if you knew anything about that. You don’t know anything about good, pure emotions, Lucifer, and I pity you. The only thing you know is hatred.”

For a few moments Lucifer went quiet and just looked at Cas, stared into his eyes and Castiel felt like his brother was looking right into his soul – the last, tiny bit of grace Cas still possessed. “Maybe you’re right,” he eventually conceded, “maybe all I know now is hatred. And do you wanna know what I really hate? People betraying me. My family betraying me. But now that I think about it I might have a solution for our little problem.” He faked a smile before continuing, “I don’t want your soul but we can make a deal. Another kind of deal.”

Cas squinted at Lucifer. This couldn’t be good, he was sure of it. “What do you suggest?”

“Tell me, Castiel, which one of our brothers and sisters helped you after you fell? Let me guess – not a single one of them? Can’t say I’m shocked, really,” the king of hell digressed, ignoring Cas’s glares. “Sure, someone turned you mortal – Gabriel, I suppose, aside from me he always was the most rebellious one – but other than that? Who stood up for you when they wanted to cast you out? Who stood by your side when you were lost and broken on earth? None of th-”

“Dean,” Cas interrupted him calmly. “Dean was by my side, he was all I needed.”

“Aw, that’s lovely, but not the point. No one in our family helped you. No one wanted to save you because they all feared to be punished themselves. Just like they did millions of years ago when they cast me out. Aren’t you mad at them? At least a little bit?”

“What are you trying to say?”

“I realised you don’t want to work with me and I can accept, well, no, tolerate that, but only if I get something else in return if you really wanna get your boyfriend back.” Lucifer smiled brightly at his younger brother and leaned closer. “I want to talk to Michael. And you are going to help me set up a meeting with him.”

Gaping at his older brother, Cas repeated, “Michael? Why?!”

“Ah, you know, find out why he didn’t do anything about his favourite brother – that was me, in case you forgot – being sent to hell. I want some kind of… closure, I guess.”

Sam’s snort seemed to remind Lucifer that they were not, in fact, alone, he had almost forgotten about the younger Winchester. “Not that I really care but what’s so funny?”

“You don’t seem to be the type to ‘just talk’,” Sam replied, keeping the sarcasm out of his voice for once.

“Well, no one asked for your opinion, and I don’t think you’re needed here anymore.” A snap of Lucifer’s fingers and Sam was gone.

“For your own sake I hope Sam is safe,” Cas growled. “And he’s right. It’s not like you to talk about things. What do you want from Michael?”

With a dramatic sigh Lucifer leaned against the wall and looked at his brother disdainfully. “I want to understand why, Cassie. Why he deserted me when I needed him most. You know I’m not a bad person – well, maybe now I am, a little, fine, don’t look at me like that. But I used to be different, do you remember? I just want to know why he chose God’s side and not mine.”

“We all know why. You were wrong. Besides, you know you can’t just meet Michael, not only because he wouldn’t come when you call but because angels aren’t allowed to associate with you.”

“I was wrong? Really?! Because I loved our father more than his mediocre creation? And scre-”

“It’s not -” Cas wanted to protest but Lucifer interrupted him again.

“I don’t expect you of all angels to agree or understand. But I want to hear it from Michael himself, I want him to look me in the eye and tell me. I need you to get him to talk to me. And don’t get your panties in a twist, no one else has to know he met me and you were involved.”

Silence spread between the two of them as Castiel considered his options. This deal seemed to be the only way to get Dean back safely unless Cas tried to rescue him himself – and he knew that would be pointless without his powers or divine help. Finally he asked warily, “So you only want to talk to Michael? And if I arrange a meeting you will let Dean go?”

Lucifer nodded and reached out his hand. “You get me a chance to meet with Michael and your human will be free as soon as our beloved brother and I are in the same place. And I also promise I won’t harm you, Dean or anyone he’s associated with again. Do we have a deal?”

Eyeing Lucifer for a few more moments Cas thought about it. He knew he would be breaking the rules once again but the other angels couldn’t possibly punish him any more than they already had. And no one had to know about it…

“Until I get Michael to earth you have to swear no one will hurt Dean,” he demanded.

“Done.”

“Fine,” Cas murmured and took Lucifer’s proffered hand. “We have a deal.”


	46. Chapter 46

“Gabriel, I need your help. Again. I’m sorry.” When Lucifer had finally left, Cas had sat down on the edge of Dean’s armchair and started to pray, ignoring the almost constant buzzing of Dean’s phone – probably Sam sending texts asking what was going on or leaving worried voice messages. For the past half hour Castiel had done nothing but pray, or rather talk to himself he assumed because no one was answering his prayers.

This had to be what it was like to pray when you were human, never getting an answer because you just weren’t important enough.

Still Cas knew he needed to do something. He needed to forge out a plan; Michael would barely agree to see Castiel, let alone Lucifer. But his Gabriel maintained his silence. Frustrated, he got up and grabbed his coat.

Time to finally grow up and take matters into his hands.

***

The librarian gently placed a hand on Cas’s shoulder. “I’m sorry, sweetie, but we’re closing now. You can come back tomorrow.”

Blue eyes blinked up at the small old lady with confusion before Cas finally registered her words. “But this is very imp- You’re right. I’m sorry. I just need to take a picture of a few pages if that is alright.” He searched his pockets for Dean’s cell phone.

A warm smile crinkled the librarian’s face. “Sure, but don’t take too long.”

“I won’t. If I can figure out how exactly it works, that is… You don’t happen to know how to use a mobile phone to take photographs?”

 

Fifteen minutes later – and after some rather exasperated tries with the phone until the librarian had agreed to make a copy of the pages Cas needed – Cas exited the library, shoulders slouching and back stiff. He’d spent almost the entire day driving here and then sitting in huge, dim rooms that smelled of books that had occupied the shelves for decades, if not centuries, skimming through weighty tomes and hoping to find what he was looking for. As much as Dean swore on the internet, this wasn’t something Cas could just google. So far his search had been unsuccessful, though, and the former angel could barely keep his eyes open anymore.

Spotting a diner down the road, he decided to wait there until the library opened again in the morning. He felt a little bad about using Dean’s money without asking for permission but it wasn’t like he had had any other choice, so he ignored his bad conscience as he sat down and ordered some coffee. Then he pulled the copies of the book he had been reading out of his trenchcoat and squinted at them. He had to admit, technology wasn’t always a bad thing, modern books were just so much easier to read than medieval manuscripts that were slowly falling apart.

With a sigh he started to decipher the small, handwritten words and took an absentminded sip of his coffee – only to almost spit it out again the next second. How could people drink this brewage?

“You want some milk and sugar for that?” the waitress who had obviously been watching him asked with a grin. “Some people like it better that way.”

Cas gave a short nod, watching the woman from the corner of his eye as she left only to reappear a few moments later.

“Thank you.” He took another, more careful sip. It was still disgusting but if it would help him get through the night he would have to endure this taste. Another quiet sigh and he went back to reading. The knowledge that Lucifer and his minions wouldn’t harm Dean until he got free was cold comfort.

The first accords of some kind of rock song suddenly blaring through the diner almost scared Castiel to death; he hectically fished Dean’s phone from his coat pocket and tried to figure out how to make it stop, touching the screen desperately until the noise miraculously stopped and instead a faint voice asked through the phone, “Clarence?” Cas quickly pressed it against his ear.

“Meg?! Hello? Can you hear me? This phone is confusing me. Wait, where did you even get this number?”

“Hey there! Oh, you know, I was worried about you and I couldn’t reach you at home so I asked a friend who asked a friend, you know the drill. Anyway, what’s going on with you? You haven’t been at work for days and I was wondering if you’d be back anytime soon.”

“I’m not sure yet. I don’t think I’ll be back this week,” he mumbled. Lying really wasn’t his strong suit so he hoped Meg would just leave him alone but as always she was persistent.

“Is everything okay? Are you sick? Can I bring you some soup or something?” Something in her voice irritated Cas but he couldn’t put his finger on it. Perhaps it was just his tiredness.

“No, no I, uh, Dean’s not that well and I stayed home to take care of him.” 

Cas could have sworn he heard a muffled chuckle. “You don’t say. Well, I hope he’ll get better soon. You think you can make time for an old friend anyway? Meet up and have a cup of coffee, maybe?”

Glancing down at the mug in front of him, Cas murmured, “I don’t like coffee. I’ll call you when I have… when everything is okay again, alright?”

“Okay, but don’t forget it. See you soon.” With that Meg ended the call and turned around, grinning wickedly at Dean. “Doesn’t sound that great now, does he? Knowing you are in hell certainly doesn’t do him any good either. Who knows what the other feathered douchebags told him about this place… I knew he’d do anything to get you out, I don’t get why but he’s head over heels for you. Can’t wait to see if he’s really up for betraying his family for you. Again, I might add.”

“Screw you,” Dean growled through clenched teeth and tugged at his restraints.


	47. Chapter 47

Hours later something shook Castiel awake – or rather someone, he realised when he raised his head off his arms and sleepily blinked at a waitress, younger than the first one and looking at him with a mixture of annoyance and curiosity. “This ain’t no place to sleep,” she told him curtly before nodding at the empty mug in front of him. “Another one?”

“Um… yes, please,” he said awkwardly, noticing her impatience as she glanced from him to the mug to the notes strewn about the table and back to his face. He bit his lip and stared down at the cracked Formica table top covered with stains and crumbs as the waitress refilled the mug, hoping she would leave him alone so he could continue his research. One thing he had learned that day was that he absolutely hated, no, despised doing research. However, instead of asking anyone for help – or in other words, asking Sam for help and dragging him into this mess even more instead of ignoring his phone calls and messages – Cas had decided he needed to do this on his own. Dean had saved him when he had fallen from heaven and now Dean was the one who needed saving. And Cas would be his saviour.

He could almost hear the malicious laughter and feel the disapproving, disdainful looks of his brothers and sisters.

Castiel was not a hero, had never been one, and he knew it.

He was the one who followed orders and stood in the background, letting others do the dangerous work and stand in the spotlight. But this time it was different, this time he would have to bite the bullet.

And he was determined to do whatever it took to get Dean back.

No matter how much trouble getting Michael and Lucifer in one place might mean for him.

But first he needed to actually find a way to contact Michael, or rather summon him. Cas knew his oldest brother wouldn’t talk to him by choice. Hoping this whole situation would finally be over soon the former angel went back to reading, gulping down one cup of coffee after another with disgust. At least it helped keeping him awake. 

Around half past seven in the morning he was beginning to feel shaky from all the caffeine and hunger nagged at him so he ordered pancakes (“It’s a shame you don’t eat, no point in having breakfast in bed all alone,” Dean had once declared and stuffed a piece of fluffy, delicious-looking pancake dripping with maple syrup into his mouth so Cas just had to try them) and stared out the window, noticing the street had become quite busy again. The pancakes didn’t look as good as Dean’s but he dug in anyway. He was anxious to finally go back into the library and as the clock over the door read five minutes to eight he gathered his things, stuffed the notes into the pockets of his coat and left a few bills on the table before heading out onto the street.

The old librarian that had been helping him the previous night wasn’t there so Cas just went back to the old manuscripts he had been flicking through only hours before.

When a guy about Dean’s age, maybe a year or two younger, approached him after what felt like an eternity later, smiling shyly at him, hands buried deep in the pockets of his jeans, Cas was a little relieved about the distraction. “Hi, uh, I already noticed you yesterday, I mean, um, not that I’m stalking you or anything, it’s just that I thought I’d ask you if you needed any help with the, uh, old books and facsimiles…” he stuttered and bit his lip.

Cas stared up at him. “The what?” 

“The… facsimiles? Y’know, the prints of old manuscripts you’re reading?” The boy seemed to muster up all his courage for the next sentence. “I started interning here a few weeks ago and I’m barely told to do anything but putting away books. I’m really good with this stuff though – I mean old literature and research and stuff like that. So… if you want I could maybe lend you a hand?” He sounded hopeful.

“Oh. Right. Um…” Considering that he still hadn’t gotten much further and was starting to get really frustrated, Cas eventually nodded and offered a tired smile. “I would really appreciate that.”

Leaning forward, the guy took a closer look at the reams in front of Cas. “Cool. What exactly are you looking for?”

“Anything about Michael.”

“Jackson? Jordan? Fassbender?” The kid raised a brow.

“Michael, the archangel,” Cas replied impatiently, “specifically how to summon him or at least communicating with him. It’s very important.”

“Um, okay… Got it. Wait here.” Without waiting for a reply or showing even the smallest sign of surprise the guy turned around and made his way through the aisle and disappeared behind some shelves. No five minutes later he came back, a huge stack of books in his arms which he carefully set on the old wooden table in front of Castiel. “That’s a start. You got no idea how many books there are about angels…”

“I figured as much,” Cas mumbled and sighed. This seemed to be an impossible task.

“So, you wanna talk to that angel or are you writing a paper about him or something?” the boy tried to joke as he took a seat next to Cas.

“I need to meet him.”

“Huh. Well, um, anyway, I’m Alan but pretty much everyone calls me Corbett.”

Only when Corbett looked at him for a few seconds did Cas realise he expected a name, too. “Oh, uh, Castiel. Thank you for your help.”

Corbett smiled shyly and pulled a mobile phone from his pocket. “Sure. I think we should get started – or in your case, continue – ‘cause this might take a while.” He tapped at the phone for a few moments, then pocketed it again and grabbed the first book from the pile.

Cas rubbed his eyes and nodded; the one thing he definitely didn’t have was time, even if Lucifer had promised not to harm Dean Castiel didn’t want him to be trapped in hell any longer.

***

Hours later Cas was about to give up. Angels, even former ones, just weren’t made for doing research. He closed his eyes for a moment.

“Hey, check this out – could that be what you’re looking for?” Corbett gently nudged Cas in the side when he didn’t react immediately. Cas flinched, he’d almost dozed off – apparently a lot of coffee and an hour of sleep weren’t enough to stay focused the whole day. Being human really was a pain.

“So I texted a friend of mine earlier, he works at the National Archives, and he looked for stuff that might help you. He just sent me this.”

Castiel’s eyes scanned the photos of old, handwritten pages Corbett had opened on his smartphone, then he grabbed the phone and brought it up to his face to get a better look. After a moment of stunned silence he met Crobett’s gaze and nodded frantically. “Yes, yes, I think that might be it! I have to try it immediately.” Cas fumbled for Dean’s phone, handed it to Corbett and said, “Take a picture.”

“Uh… I can just send it to you. What’s your number?” Corbett punched in the digits Cas told him and sent the photos to Dean’s phone which vibrated a second later.

The chair scraped loudly across the floor as Cas hectically got up but he didn’t care about the evil glares from other readers. “Thank you, you truly have been helpful,” he said and turned around.

“Wait, are – are you seriously going to try summoning …an archangel?” Corbett’s last words were nothing more than a mumble since Cas had already hurried out of the library. He shook his head. Strange guy.

***

Cas was sure this summoning spell the intern’s friend had found was real, the ingredients had been used by humans for centuries in a number of other spells he knew and he honestly couldn’t bear sitting on the horribly uncomfortable library chairs any longer anyway. It just had to work.

Now he only needed to find the ingredients and a suitable place to perform the spell.

He slumped down on a bench near the library, managed to open Google on the phone with some difficulty and entered the list. When nothing came up, he tried again, this time searching for one item at a time. To his surprise a few of them could be found at supermarket chains, he also remembered seeing candles, salt and even some spray paint in Dean’s apartment. Other ingredients were listed on a site called Amazon.

Castiel sighed with relief. Google truly was a blessing. Now he only needed a real computer, this phone was driving him insane – and the battery was almost dead. And maybe some holy oil, just to make sure that Michael wouldn’t hurt anybody.

On the other hand it probably wasn’t a good idea to trap the archangel in a ring of holy fire when he was about to meet the angel he had banished from heaven and forced to spend eternity in hell.

No, he should definitely forgo the holy oil.

When a woman passed him he asked her for directions to the next Walmart. The sun had already set again when he finally returned to Dean’s apartment with a heavy bag under his arm, exhausted but determined.

He was going to save Dean. As soon as he figured out how to use Amazon.

Maybe he needed Sam to help him a little after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I AM SO SO SORRY THAT IT TOOK SO LONG TO UPLOAD THIS CHAPTER!!!  
> I had so much to do for university last week with exams and all (I can't believe all my classes are over! 3 years of uni and it feels like I just started a few months ago!) and this week I just didn't have any inspiration to write. And then I thought I'd give you more librarians. Just 'cause librarians are great. And I liked Corbett.  
> Anyway, I really hope you forgive me and enjoy this chapter. Because Cas is gonna save Dean's ass.  
> Dean is a damsel in distress.  
> It's definitely too late in the night. I should go to bed.  
> But we can hope for a happy ending. Yay!  
> Thank you for reading and bearing with me over those long breaks and for your kudos and comments and just for being awesome readers in general!


	48. Chapter 48

Castiel was a restless, nervous wreck. How long could it take Amazon to ship his order? Humans should definitely consider working on that, all this waiting was driving him insane. Nonetheless he had managed to catch a few hours of sleep – or more precisely, he hadn’t managed to keep from falling asleep at some point, his now mortal body had shut down and he had fallen into an almost comatose, much needed sleep. His waking hours were spent with reading the instructions over and over again and learning the spell by heart, only interrupted by Sam’s occasional calls, a quick meal or two when he couldn’t ignore the grumbling of his stomach any longer, and a few rather bothersome trips to the bathroom. In the billions of years Cas had been alive and watched living organisms he had had no idea how annoying digestion could be.

When the doorbell finally rang – two whole days after he had ordered the last ingredients for the spell, he noted furiously – his heart skipped a beat and he hurried to the door, almost prying the package away from the mailman gaping at him with irritation and then slamming the door in his face.

Not wasting any more time than he had already been forced to, Cas immediately unpacked the box on the living room floor to check if everything he had ordered really was in there. A short sigh of relieve escaped him when he realised that was the case. Without waiting any longer he stuffed the remaining ingredients for the spell into the box, snatched Dean’s phone from the coffee table and dialled Sam’s number.

“I need you to drive me,” he stated without preamble. “Now.”

“You got everything?” The worry and misery in Sam’s voice were unmistakable.

The former angel nodded, then he remembered Sam couldn’t see him and added, “Yes. Pick me up right now.”

“On my way.”

Cas pocketed the phone and paced the living room for the umpteenth time in forty-eight hours. Patience definitely wasn’t his strong suit, especially at a time like this, so when Sam’s car stopped on the street in front of the building Castiel ran down the stairs before Dean’s brother could even exit the car.

“Where are we going?” Sam asked instead of a greeting.

“Just follow my directions,” Cas instructed him and began to lead the way towards an old, abandoned factory a couple of dozen miles from the city. Performing the spell anywhere near an inhabited area was out of question, he couldn’t risk any more people getting hurt by his actions and in Castiel’s eyes Lucifer posed a threat to humans as soon as he left hell.

About half a mile from their destination Cas let Sam stop the car. “I need you to wait here. No matter what happens, do not get out of the vehicle,” he told Sam. “Do you understand me?”

“But -”

“No ‘but’. You are going to stay here. I’ll make sure Dean comes back safely and I will not put you in harm’s way by letting you accompany me.”

Sam clenched his jaw but nodded. “Fine. I’ll stay here. Just… be careful.”

They both knew Sam was more concerned about Dean than he was about Castiel, and Cas couldn’t blame him for it. In Sam’s stead Cas would probably hate himself. He didn’t wait for Sam to say anything else, instead he grabbed the box from the backseat and left the car. He didn’t look back as he made his way to the factory grounds.

Once he reached the huge forlorn compound nature had reclaimed years ago Cas searched for a spot that wasn’t completely overgrown with weeds. Realising he wouldn’t find a proper place out here, he eventually dared to advance into the building, eyeing the crumbling walls around him mistrustfully. The interior of the factory was dimly illuminated by only a few beams of light shining through the small broken windows near the ceiling. Dust floated lazily through the rays of light and covered every horizontal surface with a thick layer, just here and there marred by old footprints and newer tracks from various animals, creating an almost apocalyptic atmosphere.

Cas tried to shake the uneasy feeling and decided to get to work a few feet from the entrance where the ground was relatively even and not completely covered in debris and garbage left by dozens of curious teens. He set down his box and knelt next to it to unpack the items. He didn’t need to read the manuscript anymore, knew the spell by heart by now, so he started spraying the sigils needed onto the ground with black spray paint; next he set up the candles at the corners and finally mixed the ingredients in a bowl he had taken from Dean’s kitchen. Checking his work one last time, he took a deep breath in a futile attempt to calm his nerves.

Then he called Lucifer.

He didn’t need to turn around and see his brother to know he was there, he could feel his presence in the huge open space of the factory.

“You figured out a way to get brother dearest to meet me?” Lucifer’s voice was laced with a trace of mockery as if the king of hell hadn’t actually thought Castiel was capable of working on his own let alone find a way to hold his end of the bargain.

A single nod was all the confirmation he got from Cas who was just praying for the spell to work. “You should stay out of sight until Michael is here,” he suggested quietly, still not looking at his brother.

“Fine. You better hope this works out.” Lucifer stepped behind a pillar that had fallen into ruin but Cas could still feel his eyes on him as he placed the bowl in the middle of the sigils and lit the candles.

Lighting a second match Cas began to mumble quiet words in Enochian. Just as he finished the last lines of the spell he threw the burning match into the bowl. The ingredients went up in blue flames that consumed them entirely with a hiss in a matter of mere seconds.

Then the room was deathly quiet again.

Castiel held his breath and glanced around desperately, his heart beating rapidly and sweat breaking despite the chilly air in the building. When nothing moved except the dust in the air around him he stared at the sigils on the ground, aghast that the spell, his only way of getting Dean back, hadn’t worked. He turned his head, eyes desperately scanning the room once more.

A scarcely audible flutter of wings followed instantly by the sound of feet softly hitting the ground made him wince and turn back around to find his oldest brother looking at him, arms crossed over his chest.

“Castiel.” Michael’s voice was calm, grave, but not without the tiniest hint of disdain. “I have nothing to say to you.”

Before Cas even had the chance to reply, Lucifer emerged and strode towards them. “Well, maybe you have something to say to me, brother.”


	49. Chapter 49

Michael’s expression shifted from annoyance to surprise and bewilderment to rage in less than a second at the sound of his brother’s voice, and Castiel swore he had never seen his oldest brother show this many emotions. The archangel whirled around to face Lucifer and glared at him.

“What are you doing here?” His voice was dangerously low, barely composed, as he started towards Lucifer.

“Oh, y’know, just here to catch up with my favourite brother. How ya doing? And how’s heaven? Heard Daddy’s been absent for quite some time now and you’re the one in charge? Pretty impressive if you ask me. Which you probably won’t do ‘cause, well, you hate me now.”

“What do you want, Lucifer? And what is he doing here with you?!” Michael gestured at Cas who was watching his brothers with discomfort. This was anything but good and he had a feeling he’d made a huge mistake.

“Cassie got you here for me in exchange for his boy toy.” Lucifer smirked.

At that, Michael turned back to Cas to stare at him. “You’re still with this human?! What else are you going to sacrifice for that… that creature? You lost your family, your grace, your immortality, what’s next? Do you really think betraying your former equals again is going to do you any good?”

“Pff, Mike, c’mon, leave the kid alone and save your breath,” Lucifer cut in, rolling his eyes. “You know he can be quite a stubborn one, although even I have to admit I was surprised when I heard he rebelled.”

“I didn’t re-” Cas tried to argue but he was interrupted by a snapped, “Be quiet, Castiel,” from Michael who then turned his attention back to Lucifer. If looks could kill both the archangel and the king of hell would be dead on the spot, Cas thought to himself.

He gathered all his courage and whispered, “But I… Lucifer, you promised Dean would be back as soon as I got Michael to earth for you.”

With a raised brow Lucifer looked at Cas for a moment, then shrugged and waved dismissively. “Yeah, fine, he’ll be at his place when you get back.”

“How do I know you’re telling the truth?”

“You don’t, you just gotta trust me.” 

“Maybe I should just kill that tedious human,” Michael muttered under his breath but still loud enough for Cas to hear and give him a terrified look.

“Did you hear that? And people still think I am the evil one?!” Lucifer complained dramatically before being serious again. “Now get out of here before I change my mind, Cassie, Michael and I gotta have a little talk.”

Castiel didn’t have to be told twice. Without looking back he headed for the exit, trying to ignore Michael’s angry voice in the distance and hoping this wouldn’t bite him in the ass at some point. With his luck it probably would.

Making his way back to the car through scrub tugging at his trousers he could only think one thing. Let Dean be back, let him be back, please, just let him be back. He didn’t even know who he was directing his pleas at but he couldn’t stop himself.

The car came in sight and Cas walked faster. As soon as Sam spotted him, immediately noticing Dean wasn’t with the former angel, he got out of the vehicle and closed the remaining distance.

“Where is he? Where’s Dean?!” the younger Winchester asked, panic yet again apparent in his voice. All because of Cas. “Dammit, where the fuck is my brother?”

Cas flinched and squeezed his eyes shut when Sam grabbed his upper arms and shook him. “He – he’s at the apartment, Lucifer said. We need to get there.” He tried to swallow the lump in his throat. Dean’s not so little brother could be scary, he noted not for the first time, and Castiel prayed he wouldn’t hurt him. He didn’t think he was prepared to feel physical pain as a human just yet.

Luckily, Sam’s grip instantly loosened and then the Winchester was striding back to the car. “Get in.” He barely waited long enough for Cas to sit in the passenger seat and close the door to start the engine and get back to the city.

The ride was quiet, the tension in the air almost tangible. His hands clenched to fists in his lap, Cas stared out the window unseeingly. What if Lucifer had tricked him? If Dean wasn’t at the apartment – what would he do? What would Sam do to him? He felt sick to his stomach.

When Sam took a sharp turn and finally stopped the car in front of the building where Dean lived Cas was on the sidewalk and in the stairway in less than three seconds. Taking two steps at once he ran up the stairs and hectically fumbled at the lock to the apartment, almost dropping the keys before the door finally opened. Sam was right behind him. “Dean? Dean, are you here?”

They stormed into the living room to find it empty. As Sam went to check the bathroom to his left Cas tore open the door to the bedroom and squeaked when he lay eyes on a curled up figure on the bed. “Dean!” He crossed the room with two steps and sank onto the bed next to Dean, pulling him into his arms. A pained groan escaped Dean’s lips but when Cas wanted to pull back to properly look at his boyfriend and the damage Lucifer or his minions had done Dean gripped Castiel’s shirt and buried his face in Cas’s chest. Sam found them a moment later, curled around each other, Cas holding on to Dean tightly, shaking with relief and muttering, “It’s over, it’s all over, you’re safe,” again and again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I imagined Michael the way he was when young John Winchester was his vessel in the show, since everyone is younger in this AU anyway I thought it would fit, but I didn't specify it because if you wanna picture him as Adam or someone else entirely that's totally up to you :)


	50. Chapter 50

“Dean?” Sam asked quietly as he approached the bed, his eyes taking in Dean’s torn shirt and the bruises and cuts showing beneath the ripped fabric. Sam was shocked to see his brother like this. It was worse than any fight Dean had ever gotten in – of course it was, he literally had been to hell – and it terrified Sam. Dean had never looked this hurt and broken.

When Dean didn’t react Sam carefully reached out to touch Dean’s shoulder. The wince that followed was like a slap in the face. “Dean? Hey, look at me, please…”

Still clinging to Cas Dean finally turned his head and looked up at the younger Winchester. “Hey Sammy…” he croaked.

Sam wasn’t surprised that Dean tried to give a reassuring smile – and failed miserably. No matter how bad Dean felt he just couldn’t stop trying to make sure Sam was okay and didn’t worry too much. He’d always been this way and it would never change.

But now it was Sam’s turn to take care of his big brother. “Dean, what did they do to you?” The question was barely more than a whisper but Dean’s reaction couldn’t have been more troubling. Suddenly he seemed far away, gazing at a spot somewhere behind Sam but not really looking, his thoughts somewhere else entirely, and he swallowed hard as his fists clenched the fabric of Cas’s shirt even harder.

“Don-” Cas started but a glare from Sam caused him to stop mid-word.

Sam sat down on the edge of the bed and softly touched Dean’s arm, a little relieved that Dean didn’t flinch again. “How badly are you hurt? And don’t say you’re fine, you’re clearly not.”

At first Dean looked like he wanted to protest and reassure Sam he was okay, then he looked away and mumbled, “Might have a broken bone or two and some cuts and bruises.”

“Alright, you’re coming with me.” Sam pulled Dean into a sitting position with gentle force. His brother was anything but happy about the sudden decision and stared at him with confusion, trying to hold on to Cas.

“What? Where? I don’t wanna go anywhere,” he protested weakly.

Sam was having none of it. For once Dean would have to listen to him. “Dude, you gotta get to a hospital.” He took a deep breath and tried to calm his voice. “C’mon, get up, I’ll take you.”

“But I’ve had wor-”

“I said come on. Now.”

***

“Where’s Cas? I need to see Cas.”

“And I need you to shut up about him for once,” Sam growled. He was about to lose his patience. Try explaining why your brother was covered in cuts and bruises in addition to three broken fingers and a broken collar bone, looking like he had been methodically tortured without stating that this was exactly what had happened or mentioning the words hell, demons and Lucifer which would make everyone think you’re a maniac and avoid having the doctor involve the police because of said brother’s injuries. It was a little like a game of Taboo – hell version, of course.

And Dean just wouldn’t shut up about this stupid angel.

“He saved me,” Dean muttered more to himself as he stared past the nurse cleaning up the cuts.

“That’s the least he could do after getting you into this…situation in the first place,” Sam hissed, aware the nurse was listening to every word.

“’s not his fault.”

“Yes it is. If it wasn’t for him none of this would’ve happened and you know it. Don’t you see how… how dangerous being with him is? Are you seriously that blind?!”

Finally Dean looked his sibling in the eye. “Sam, it’s not his fault his brother’s the devil.”

Sam didn’t know if he should laugh or punch Dean in the face. Instead, he just snorted in disbelief. “That doesn’t make it okay! What if tomorrow Michael or one of the others decides Cas needs to pay for crossing him and takes it out on you again?”

“That won’t happen. They’re ang- They’re not like that.”

“Oh, and how would you know? Just ‘cause they are what they are doesn’t mean they can’t be the bad guys, too.” 

“Sam, stop it.”

“No, I’m NOT gonna – Sorry...” The younger Winchester lowered his voice again when the nurse glared at him. “Could you give us a moment?”

She raised a brow at Sam but let go of Dean’s arm after a second and walked out of the small treatment room, closing the door behind her.

“You’re not thinking clearly, Dean. Cas’s family is dangerous. They’re not human, you can’t possibly predict what they’re gonna do. Hell, Cas himself isn’t human!”

“Do you think I don’t know that?” Dean’s voice was still rough but the seriousness was unmistakable. It reminded Sam of the day Dean had finally stood up against John and told him he needed to go to rehab or he’d lose both his sons. “I’m not saying what happened to me was a walk in the park but I’m gonna be okay. This isn’t going to get between Cas and me.”

“You’re being completely unreasonable!” 

Dean sat up straight, trying not to wince at the pain, and looked Sam dead in the eye. “Listen, Sammy. I know you’re worried, I get it. I’ll do anything I can to protect myself from now on, okay? Promise. But I’m not gonna leave Cas because of this. Not gonna happen. Either you deal with that or you find the door.”

Shaking his head, Sam tried to recognise his brother in the man sitting in front of him. “You really care about this guy that much?”

A soft, incredulous smile darted across Dean’s features before being replaced by a stern expression once more. “I can’t believe I’m saying this but… I love him, Sam. I do. I never quite understood why Mum stuck with Dad when he had his paranoid phases, drank too much and didn’t come home for days. But I get that now.”

The brothers stared at each other in silence for a minute, then Sam sighed and shook his head again. “Fine. Don’t even think for a second I like this, though. Next time something happens to you because of him, I’ll kick his ass.”

“Can’t you just be happy for me?” Dean tried to smirk.

“Only when I know you’re not going to get hurt again.”


	51. Chapter 51

Knowing that Sam was at least partly blaming him for what had happened to Dean Cas had decided it was better to wait outside when the younger Winchester had glowered at him as he’d followed Dean into the treatment room. He was relieved Dean seemed to be doing more or less okay considering what he had been through and he wasn’t sure he even wanted to know the details. Truth was Castiel was blaming himself, too. He was the one who should have looked out for Dean, who should have taken care of securing the apartment and making sure Dean was safe. Instead, he had fallen asleep, and one of his brothers being the person responsible for the pain Dean had suffered and another one threatening to kill him was just the icing on the cake.

Still Cas was worried about his siblings. They hadn’t seen each other in several billion years and their last confrontation had ended anything but well. And Lucifer had always been resentful. If one of them got hurt, the tension in heaven might get even worse – not to mention the trouble Cas would be in. He didn’t even dare think about the things that might go wrong. Nonetheless the possibilities of what might be happening between his brothers right that second were constantly in the back of his mind so he was almost thankful when the door to the treatment room opened and Sam emerged, a frown still on his face.

“I’m keeping an eye on you, remember that. My brother gets hurt again, you can bet your ass you’re out of the picture in no time,” Sam threatened quietly as he approached the former angel.

Cas swallowed hard and stared at the ground. “I understand. And even though it doesn’t change anything, I am truly sorry about what happened. I know it’s entirely my fault.”

When Castiel’s statement was met with a long silence he eventually glanced up at Sam uncertainly.

Sam looked at him, arms crossed over his chest. “He doesn’t seem to think so. But from now on you take care of him, got it?”

More than relieved Cas nodded vigorously. “Yes, of course, I will take of him in any possible way.”

“I really did not need to know that,” Sam muttered. “Anyway, Dean wants to see you. I’ll wait here.” While watching Cas hesitantly walking to the door, Sam settled in a chair on the other side of the hallway. He still didn’t quite understand why Dean liked him that much. Sure, Castiel certainly was fascinating, having seen the creation of the universe and the entire human history, and maybe he was rather attractive, but other than that? He seemed more like a shy school boy who was doing something forbidden for the very first time.

Which was probably just the case.

With a sigh, Sam buried his face in his hands. If only Dean would be okay.

*

Dean looked up and smiled wearily when Cas peeked into the room. “Hey there,” he said quietly and the roughness that was still in his voice sent shivers down Castiel’s spine. He prayed it wasn’t from screaming in anguish for the past days.

“Hello, Dean,” he answered, just as quiet, and looked at his boyfriend insecurely.

“C’mere.” Dean reached out his uninjured hand and waited until Cas took it just to pull hard, causing Cas to stumble into him as Dean wrapped his free arm around him. “Ow,” he mumbled but held on to Cas who immediately tried to pull away. “Stay, please.”

“I don’t want to hurt you,” Cas tried to reason but melted against Dean’s body in the next second, carefully hugging him back and burying his face in Dean’s neck.

“Cas, hey…” Dean had to nudge him twice until Cas reacted and turned his head to look up at him. “Can you do somethin’ for me?”

“Anything.”

“Don’t blame yourself, okay? It’s not your fault. And don’t you dare objecting now, this is not a discussion. Now, think you ‘n Sammy can get me back home? I hate hospitals were the nurses aren’t even hot. Unless you wanna play that part…?” He wiggled his brows suggestively and grinned tiredly.

Cas furrowed his brow. “I doubt I would be a good nurse without my powers and unfortunately I don’t know enough about human ways of -”

Rolling his eyes, Dean grabbed Cas’s crumpled tie. “Shut up and kiss me.” Not even waiting for a response he gently tugged at the tie and met Cas’s lips halfway. Cas couldn’t help but groan into Dean’s mouth as their kiss quickly grew deeper.

Only when someone cleared their throat they pulled away from each other, Cas’s face flushed and Dean with a slightly embarrassed grin directed at the doctor who stood in the doorway. “If you are certain you don’t want to press charges against whoever did this to you, Mr. Winchester – and I would strongly advise you to do so, even if you don’t know the person or persons – you can go home now.”

Courting self-confidence – or rather a semblance thereof – Dean looked the doctor in the eyes. “I’m not gonna press any charges.”

She sighed and shook her head. “Just remember you can always change your mind about that. Other than that, well, I expect you back here in six weeks to get those fractures checked out again. Until then no heavy lifting and please favour your hand. I wrote you an incapacity certificate for the next two weeks.” Handing Dean a piece of paper the doctor quickly eyed Cas and then turned to leave. “Take care of yourself,” she said over her shoulder.

“Thank you, doctor,” Dean could hear Sam from just outside the room a moment later before his brother appeared in the open door. “Ready to go?”

“More than ready. Man, Bobby’s gonna kick my ass with all these missed hours…”

“Can’t blame him,” Sam mumbled, earning himself a playful slap on the back of his head followed by a pained groan.

“Remind me not to do this the next couple of weeks…” Dean muttered and carefully rubbed over his broken collarbone, then he slid off the cot and grabbed Cas’s hand with his own unscathed one, intertwining their fingers. “Let’s go home.”


	52. Chapter 52

After Dean had convinced Sam to leave and yes, he’d be fine, Sam could really stop worrying now, thank you very much, he and Cas had huddled up on the sofa after Cas had made sure Dean had everything he needed – pain killers, a mug of tea, a cooling pack for the swelling on the right side of his face, enough blankets to build an entire fort and some classic rock playing quietly. He had even insisted on leaving Dean alone for a few minutes to get him pie, even though the thought of Dean all alone in the apartment had unsettled him. By now it was warded against every kind of supernatural being Cas could think of but it didn’t bar him from practically racing to the bakery and back. 

As soon as he had gotten back, Dean had nestled up to Cas with Cas’s arms slung around him, listening to the beating of Castiel’s heart and eating his pie. “I gotta show you how to bake the perfect pie some day,” he said between bites.

Cas smiled and ran his fingers through Dean’s hair. “I’d love that. We could do it when you’re feeling better.”

“Mhm.” Dean nodded and slowly finished the pastry, savouring every bite. “I thought I’d never see you again…” he eventually broke the long silence with a whisper. Getting out of hell for Cas and Sam had been the most important thing on his mind the entire time he had been there. That and the pain he tried not to think of. Dean knew he was more than just lucky to get out with comparatively small injuries. He suspected Lucifer had told his minion not to go too hard on him for whatever reason.

Cas gently hugged him even tighter and pressed a kiss to Dean’s forehead. “I am so s-”

“Stop right there. I don’t wanna hear it. Just… I’m glad you saved my sorry ass.” The chuckle sounded false even in Cas’s ears. “But I would’ve never thought that Meg… even though it kinda figures I guess…”

“Meg? What about her?” Castiel looked down at Dean with a confused expression.

Carefully, Dean sat up straighter to meet Cas’s eyes, wincing slightly at the pain in his collarbone. “I’m sorry to break it to you but she’s evil. And I’m not talking about her being a sarcastic, bitchy chick, she’s demon-who-follows-Lucifer-evil. Literally. She played you, Cas. She’s not your friend.”

It took a moment for Cas to digest the information. “Meg is… a demon under Lucifer’s control? Are you certain?”

“One hundred per cent positive. She was… she was there, with me,” Dean added quietly. “Sorry, babe. Really.”

Silence returned for a couple of minutes as Cas thought about what Dean’s words meant. All of a sudden he felt lonely, having no one on earth besides Dean – sure, Dean was the most important person in his life, but even Cas knew human relationships were not meant to be focused solely on one’s partner. And everyone else hated him, with Sam probably leading the way. His only friend had just turned out to have used him and there was no one else Cas could call a friend. It was pitiful. Cas sighed. All in all, his human experience seemed to have been a disaster from the very beginning. It could only get better now, couldn’t it? Then something struck him and he gaped at Dean. “Did you… just call me ‘babe’?”

“Uh…” The tips of Dean’s ears turned pink and he looked at Cas uncertainly. “Maybe?” He had hoped Cas hadn’t noticed when he hadn’t immediately said something. Instead of being mad or feeling uncomfortable like Dean feared, Cas cupped Dean’s face and pressed his lips against Dean’s in a rough kiss. When Cas drew back to catch his breath, still not quite used to the fact that he needed air, Dean grinned almost shyly. “I take it you don’t mind?”

“Not at all. I think it is kind of… sexy.”

For the first time since Dean had been rescued he laughed, only to wince in pain the next moment, but it was worth it. “Sexy, huh?”

“Indeed.” It was Castiel’s turn to blush and he quickly hid his face in the crook of Dean’s neck, trailing soft kisses over the sensitive skin.

“You keep on doing that and I might just forget what the doc told me…” Dean mumbled and closed his eyes.

Leaning back, Cas looked at Dean with a serious expression. “I think we both could forget about everything for a bit,” he said quietly.

Dean raised a brow. “What do you have in mind?”

Rather than answering, Cas kissed Dean again, all sweet and soft this time as he traced his fingertips over the stubble on Dean’s cheeks, the side of his neck and down his chest, careful not to touch the bruises and cuts. “I thought I might never be able to do this again,” he mumbled against Dean’s lips. “I want you.”

Wrapping an arm around Cas to pull him closer, Dean nibbled at Cas’s bottom lip before licking over it and finally sliding his tongue into his boyfriend’s mouth. A soft moan escaped Cas as he kissed Dean back, lazy, sweet kisses soon turning more passionate and downright desperate in the light of the recent danger and the fears still present in both of their minds. Cas’s fingers trailed down Dean’s stomach and slid under his shirt only to draw back immediately when Dean hissed slightly. “Sorry,” Cas murmured and instead traced the hairs of Dean’s happy trail down to the hem of his boxers, slipping a finger under the waistband.

Dean’s unscathed hand gripped Cas’s shirt tightly and he pulled the former angel closer. Cas bent down to kiss and nip at Dean’s neck again, causing Dean to tilt his head to give him more access and close his eyes. While Cas gently nibbled at Dean’s ear lobe he slid his hand over Dean’s thigh and cupped his already half hard dick through his jeans. Dean bucked his hips involuntarily and bit his lip. When Cas started kneading him through the fabric he couldn’t keep himself from moaning and his fingers in Cas’s shirt twitched. He pulled at it until Cas obliged his silent demand and straddled his lap, taking Dean’s injuries into consideration by keeping most of his weight off of him. At Dean’s attempt to undo Cas’s buttons Cas took a hold of his wrists with one hand and pinned them to his chest. The following protest was stopped by a deep kiss. Castiel only drew back for a moment to take a breath, then he kissed Dean once more, biting at his lip and sucking at his tongue while he slowly pulled Dean’s shirt up. He only let go of Dean’s wrists to tug the piece of clothing over his head, then guided Dean’s hands to his own hips. “Leave them there,” he whispered against Dean’s lips, pecked them and then left a trail of kisses on Dean’s jaw and neck while his fingers ghosted over Dean’s body.

As he nipped at the sensitive skin of the crook of Dean’s neck Cas could feel Dean’s fingers twitch but he managed not to move his hands. Castiel scooted back a little to be able to bite at Dean’s uninjured collar bone, making Dean gasp. He tried to ignore the guilt at the sight of Dean’s battered body and focused on leaving his own set of marks, small hickeys and love bites that had Dean hissing and moaning in no time, his hips thrusting up in search of even the slightest bit of friction. His fingers dug into Cas’s skin over his pants and he pulled at his boyfriend. A low groan left his lips when Cas finally gave in and ground his erection against Dean’s, all the while continuing to worship his body.

Cas leaned down to lick and suck on one of Dean’s nipples. Dean’s nails dug almost painfully into Castiel’s skin, urging him to continue rolling their hips together but Cas soon stopped and turned his attention to the other nipple, leaving Dean whimpering in frustration. “Cas, please, just… do something, please!” Who would’ve thought Dean Winchester would be begging Castiel to touch him. The thought made Cas smirk. Certainly none of his brothers or sisters. Once again he knew being banned from heaven was worth it, even if this new life was anything but how he had imagined.

Snaking a hand between their bodies, the former angel complied Dean’s pleas and groped at him, smiling into Dean’s skin when he heard him curse under his breath. A last lick over Dean’s nipple, then Cas was kissing Dean’s lips again. Dean met his kisses with needy desperation, panting and moaning softly when Cas kneaded him through his jeans and protesting when Cas pulled his hand away yet again. Unfastening a belt with one hand was harder than anticipated so Cas shifted his weight and used both hands to undo Dean’s belt and jeans, eager to finally get his hands on Dean after all the teasing. Apparently, Dean was even more impatient. He lifted his hips and let go of Cas’s to help him pull down his jeans and boxer briefs.

“You’re definitely wearin’ too much, babe,” he mumbled and looked at Cas with lust blown eyes before he tugged at his trenchcoat. “Take that off, c’mon.”

Cas did as he was told and slid off the coat and his jacket, discarding them on the floor, and finally unbuttoned his shirt.

“Leave the tie though, it’s hot.” Dean smirked and grabbed it to pull his boyfriend close enough to kiss him.

When Castiel’s shirt was gone, too, he pressed a last kiss to Dean’s lips after which he slid off the couch and kneeled between Dean’s legs, placing soft kisses on Dean’s stomach down to his hips. Swallowing hard, Dean watched Cas settle between his knees and continue trailing kisses and little nips up the inside of his right thigh, avoiding the slashes and bruises there, until he was almost where Dean wanted him most. But instead of going further, Cas turned his head and did the same with Dean’s other thigh.

“Cas, please…” Dean begged and bit his bottom lip as Castiel gently bit into the soft flesh, leaving faint teeth marks behind, and eventually carried on. He groaned when the former angel finally touched him.

One hand wrapped around Dean’s dick, Cas leaned forward and gave a small lick to the tip, his eyes never leaving Dean’s face, not wanting to miss a single reaction. He smiled at the unintentional thrust of Dean’s hips and scooted closer to get better access before licking a broad stripe over the head, followed by more smaller ones.

Dean was watching him intently, a small frown eventually appearing on his face. “Not that I’m not enjoyin’ this, Cas, the view’s amazing, it’s just… no offence, but, uh… do you know what you’re doin’?”

Cas’s face flushed a light shade of pink. “Unlike Gabriel, I usually didn’t watch humankind ‘getting it on’,” he murmured, clearly embarrassed. “Did I do something wrong?”

“No, just, um, there’s a lot more you could do. I mean, if you want to, you don’t have to do anyth-”

“Show me.” Blue eyes resolutely stared up into green ones. 

Dean gulped. “You sure?”

“Yes.”

“Okay, um…” This certainly was more than just corrupting the angel – ex-angel, Dean reminded himself, – it was pure sin. And he loved every second of it. Gently he took hold of Cas’s chin and pulled his face closer. “You can suck at the tip, you can take it into your mouth and hollow your cheeks, licking is pretty damn good too, it just doesn’t do the job alone, but for God’s sa- uh, I mean, um, just… no teeth. Just, uh, try what you want and -” Dean didn’t get to finish his sentence, cut off by his own gasp as Cas’s lips wrapped around the head of his cock and he started sucking. Instinctively, he threaded his fingers through Cas’s hair and let his head fall back. “Fuck, that’s it…” he groaned when Castiel’s hand slowly started stroking his shaft.

It took Dean a huge amount self-control not to thrust into Cas’s mouth when he took him a little deeper, hollowing his cheeks like Dean had told him to, and slowly slid off again to go back to licking and sucking while jerking him slowly the whole time. When Cas experimentally dug the tip of his tongue into Dean’s slit the fingers in his hair tightened their grip and Dean’s hips bucked forward, taking Cas by surprise and almost choking him.

“Holy shit – sorry!” Dean panted and cupped Cas’s cheek to caress it.

A mischievous glint in Cas’s eyes was the only warning he got, then he tongued at the slit again and Dean groaned. Cas felt like he was getting the hang of it, if Dean’s writhing and moaning was any indication. Carefully he took Dean’s dick further into his mouth and started to bob his head to eventually settle on an alternation of sucking and licking the tip and bobbing his head that had Dean cursing and shallowly thrusting into his mouth.

Completely ignoring his own hardness pressing against the confines of his pants, Cas sped up his strokes on Dean’s shaft while his other hand lightly gripped Dean’s balls and gently kneaded them. His eyes focused on Dean’s face again and contentedly he noted that Dean was a mess, babbling his name in between curses and unintelligible words, eyes squeezed shut. Cas moaned, sending vibrations over Dean’s cock.

Without even realising it, Dean started tugging at Cas’s hair and Cas immediately complied, speeding up the bobbing of his head and licking at the underside of Dean’s dick as he massaged Dean’s balls, noticing how they drew up a little.

“Shit, Cas… please… don’t, fuck, don’t stop,” Dean whimpered and Cas groaned when Dean pulled at his hair again and started to thrust faster into his mouth.

Cas’s hand on Dean’s shaft let go in favour to cup and stroke himself through his pants, moaning around Dean’s dick at the friction which earned him another gasp, then Dean tried to pull him off, uttering something that faintly resembled “…coming…” but Cas only pulled back enough to suck hard at the tip.

With a breathless, “F-fuck, Cas… Cas!” Dean came, pulsing in Cas’s mouth, and Cas swallowed the warm liquid. His eyes didn’t leave Dean’s for a second as he waited for the final spurts, then he licked the head of Dean’s dick for the last time and pulled off with a soft ‘pop’.

Dean lay back against the sofa and tried to catch his breath. “Holy shit, Cas, fuck…” he mumbled while Cas got up awkwardly and sat down next to him, giving a surprised squeak when Dean grabbed his tie and pulled him in for a long, dirty kiss. “Still gotta take care of you,” he murmured against Cas’s lips and placed a hand on Cas’s crotch but Cas drew back and blushed vehemently.

“I, uh… kind of… already… I mean…”

Dean blinked at him for a few seconds before bursting into laughter and finally kissing Cas again. “And I thought this couldn’t get any hotter… Damn. I guess you need some clean underwear?”

Almost shyly Cas nodded, his face still flaming red. “You don’t think it’s weird?” he asked and bit his lip.

“I think it’s hot that it turned you on that much, too, sweetheart.” Dean winked at him and smiled and for a moment Cas completely forgot about all the horrors of the past few days. He wrapped his arms around Dean’s neck and kissed him softly.

“I’d like to take you up on the underwear now,” he murmured when he finally drew back again. “And I will take you up on the pie baking lesson, just so you know.”

Dean grinned. “I can’t wait.”

***

Later that night, after they had found a comfortable way to lie in bed without Dean being in too much pain (and Cas urging him to take the damn pain killers the doctor had prescribed; enduring pain was not a way to show one’s masculinity, that was ridiculous), Cas traced the love bites on Dean’s skin, barely visible in the gloom.

“Dean?” he mumbled, already half asleep.

“Hm?”

“I love you.”

For a heartbeat or two Dean didn’t reply, then he turned to face Cas, pressed a kiss to his temple and whispered, “I love you, too.”

Cas fell asleep with a smile on his face only seconds later.

*

Around midnight he woke up with a racing heart and shaking hands, drenched in sweat and staring at the opposite wall in shock.

“Cas? Hey, Cas, look at me. Hey, shh, it’s okay, it was just a nightmare. Calm down, it’s alright.” Dean immediately sat up, cupped Cas’s face with his hands and gently forced him to look at him.

Cas stared at him with wide eyes, the fear in them unmistakable. “It wasn’t a dream. It was a… a vision, I think.”

“Huh? A vision of what?”

“I saw Michael and Lucifer.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter literally took me three days to write, plus research on how to give a blowjob and tips from a friend (probably the weirdest conversation I ever had with a guy). I hope you guys think it was worth it... And now I'm going to hell. Anybody gonna join me?  
> I hope this was fluffy and smutty enough and that you're excited for what comes next


	53. Chapter 53

“Tell me everything.” Dean laid a hand on Cas’s shoulder and caressed his face with the other but Cas just stared through him as if he wasn’t there at all. “Cas, hey, c’mon, talk to me.”

Castiel still didn’t seem to hear Dean’s words. His whole body was shaking and he clasped his hands together. It was his fault. His own damn fault. He was the one who had brought Lucifer and Michael together in one place. And now they were dead.

“Cas, please!” The gentle shaking of his shoulder finally got Dean Cas’s attention.

“They’re… they’re gone. Dead. I saw them fight. It was horrible…” His voice cracked and he tried to swallow the lump in his throat. “They’re dead because of me, Dean.”

“You sure? I mean… did you see them, uh, actually die? Like… really?” Dean thought for a moment. “And why would you see that now? I mean, it probably must’ve happened while you rushed back home and brought me to the hospital, right? If it happened, that is.”

“I… I don’t know… But it wasn’t a normal dream, Dean, it was a vision. They were yelling at each other, fighting, and then Lucifer tried to stab Michael with an angel blade and Michael fought back and they injured each other. Badly. I could see their grace seep from all the cuts and slashes and eventually they broke down and –” He broke off with a sob.

Dean pulled him into his arms and held on to him. To his own shock he had to admit apart from the dismay he felt kind of relieved. Sure, Michael and Lucifer were Cas’s brothers and he loved them unconditionally no matter what they had done to them, but they had caused the angel-turned-human so much pain and Dean couldn’t help but feel a little glad they wouldn’t be able to hurt Castiel anymore.

Rocking him in his arms and whispering comforting nothings in his ear, Dean watched Cas break down and there was nothing he could do to make him feel better. They sat there for hours until Cas was so exhausted from crying that he fell asleep, pressed up against Dean’s chest and holding on to him tightly, and Dean didn’t have the heart to let go and move into a position that didn’t hurt like hell. For once, he was the one watching over Cas in his sleep.

***

_~Earlier~_

“I would like to say I can’t believe you used Castiel for your ploy but honestly, I’m not surprised,” Michael growled in Enochian as soon as Cas was gone. “You have always been an opportunist.”

The ruler of hell crossed his arms and smirked. “Always the charmer, huh? You didn’t change at all, either.”

“What do you want from me, Lucifer?”

“As I said, I’m just here to chat a little, maybe gossip a bit, talk about old times. By the way, how did it feel to kick me out of heaven and banish me to hell? Did you have a déjà vu when you threw out Cassie?”

“You know it wasn’t my decision,” Michael said through clenched teeth, “I don’t make the rules.”

“Oh, really? I heard you do now.” He took a few steps towards his older brother, stopping mere inches from him. “What’s being the ruler of backstabbing, spineless lickspittles like?”

Michael glared at him, hissing, “And here I thought you of all people would know. Wasn’t there a whole army of demons who tried to overthrow you a few decades back?”

“So you do know what happens in hell after all. Figures, you always wanted to control everything even if it was none of your business. Is that why you personally cast me out? So you’d know it was done _right_? So that I certainly wouldn’t be able to come back?!” Lucifer yelled.

“I didn’t have a choice!” Michael sounded almost desperate but Lucifer didn’t care. It was time for payback, finally.

“You always have a choice, _brother_.” The king of hell spit out the last word. “But you chose to stay on Dad’s good side because you knew one day you would benefit from it and look how perfect it turned out for you.”

“I always wished I wouldn’t have had to do it but he told m–” Before Michael could finish his sentence, Lucifer punched him in the face and the archangel staggered backwards.

“You could have said no!” The angel blade in Lucifer’s hand appeared so suddenly that Michael barely had time to throw himself sideways. “You could have stayed by my side!”

“Don’t do this, Lucifer,” Michael warned and slid his own angel blade from his sleeve. “You know I couldn’t disobey father.”

“Yeah, because you’re his perfect little soldier. You rather betrayed and punished your own brother than disagree with him, and for what? What was my felony? I loved him too much and you, _you_ couldn’t deal with that!” With a jump forward, Lucifer stabbed his blade into Michael’s side.

The archangel bit back a pained groan and ducked away from the next stroke only to go for an attack himself a split second later, slicing open Lucifer’s left arm and earning himself another punch in the face when Lucifer failed to land a stroke with his angel blade.

“You cannot win this, you know that,” he growled as he fended off Lucifer’s blade with his own one. A quit step forward, a shove to his younger brother’s chest as his blade sliced through the skin on Michael’s thigh, and Lucifer fell to the ground, pulling Michael with him but losing his weapon at the impact. In rage, the king of hell kneed Michael in the stomach and tried to punch him in the face once more. Michael gasped in pain but managed to pin one of Lucifer’s hands to the ground, then he pressed his blade to his brother’s throat.

“Stop,” he panted, but Lucifer wouldn’t dream of it.

He squirmed and kicked and cursed at Michael, not caring about the cuts to his throat and arms, and somehow managed to throw him off balance and finally wrench the angel blade from his brother, stabbing it into his shoulder, and flip them around.

With a curse, Michael pulled the blade from his shoulder and threw it out of Lucifer’s reach just as he landed a blow to his jaw with his other hand. Lucifer punched him right back, using the momentary advantage and slammed the archangel’s head onto the floor in the next moment. Grabbing for Lucifer’s face and eventually grasping his hair, Michael yanked his head backwards and punched him in the chest. Lucifer growled and rolled off his brother towards the angel blade he had dropped.

Realising what Lucifer was about to do, Michael scooted over the dirty ground. His fingers closed around the shaft of his blade just as Lucifer’s dug its way between his ribs. With last strength Michael turned and ran his angel blade into Lucifer’s stomach.


	54. Chapter 54

With a soft groan Lucifer sank to his knees next to his brother, staring at him with bewilderment. Slowly he raised his hand to pull the angel blade that had pierced his stomach and reappeared through his side from his body, wincing in pain and clenching his teeth. “You stabbed me,” he stated, more in surprise than fury.

“…should have done that ages ago,” Michael wheezed after a moment and closed his eyes. He wasn’t dead yet but he needed to pull the blade from between his ribs in order to heal himself or he would eventually die. His hands felt too weak, though, his arms too heavy to even lift off the floor. Just a few more moments, then he would do it. “Plus, you stabbed me first.”

A sound that was half incredulous laugh, half whine came from Lucifer as he carefully lay back on the ground, holding his side in a futile attempt to keep his grace from seeping out. “You should really sort out your priorities, brother.”

“Just shut your mouth.”

For several minutes, none of them said anything much less moved a muscle until Michael squeezed his eyes shut and inched his fingers to the shaft protruding from his chest. They closed around it and freed the blade with difficulty. It clattered on the ground when Michael let go of it, completely exhausted, but he could feel the wound starting to close ever so slowly. “You’re lucky you didn’t seriously harm me,” he grumbled, trying to sound tougher than he actually felt in that moment.

Lucifer scoffed but didn’t say anything. He was too busy concentrating on his own stab wounds and staying conscious to be witty for once. Michael relished the quiet and tried to focus on his battered body instead of Lucifer’s allegations. He remembered the day he had banished Lucifer like it was yesterday. And yet he couldn’t quite remember why he had done it. Had his brother really been that wrong? Had his offence really been bad enough to justify his punishment?

He shouldn’t go down that road. Shouldn’t question his father’s choices. But for once, Michael couldn’t help it.

“You were his favourite,” he eventually mumbled.

“What?” Lucifer rolled onto his side to face Michael with a groan, ignoring the grace that was still seeping out of his wounds as he moved.

A sad smile played around the corners of the archangel’s mouth. “You always were his favourite. He loved you the most and he couldn’t bear watching you become evil so he made me cast you out. I had to choose between you and father and I chose him.”

“Wow. You’re still doing your best not to take the blame.”

“I’m not. It’s the truth. And I’m… I’m sorry,” Michael added in a whisper.

Lucifer gaped at him in utter disbelief.

***

Castiel barely spoke a word the following day, he stayed curled up in bed and only moved when he needed to use the bathroom or he and Dean got hungry. Dean’s attempts to make him feel better were useless, if anything Cas felt even worse about being the one who was taken care of once again when Dean was feeling just as bad.

“Maybe Sam was right,” he said quietly that night, facing away from Dean.

“Hm? What’re you talking about?” Dean mumbled sleepily, already half dozed off.

For a few minutes Cas didn’t say anything and Dean was almost asleep when he finally whispered, “I’m bad for you. You shouldn’t be around me, all it does is for you to get hurt.”

Cas could hear Dean move behind him, then an arm wrapped around his middle and pulled him close against Dean’s chest. “That’s not true, okay? Sam’s worried but that’s just bullshit. I care about you and you make me incredibly happy, got that? And I’m not gonna leave you and be alone and miserable again because of what happened. It’s over. We’re okay. That’s all that matters.” The former angel could feel Dean’s lips brush against the back of his neck.

“But you’ve gone through so much because of me already,” he protested weakly. He didn’t want to leave Dean but the thought of anything else happening to him, of endangering him even more was unbearable.

“I’ve gone through so much?!” Dean asked incredulously. “What about you? You literally fell from heaven! You sacrificed your powers and your immortality! Could’ve told me I was the reason for that way earlier, by the way.”

“That wasn’t your fault, Dean.”

“True. Not my fault I’m incredibly gorgeous, absolutely hilarious and just a joy to be around.”

“You’re an idiot.”

Dean smiled against Cas’s skin. “I’m your idiot. Now turn around, okay?”

After a few seconds, Castiel obliged and faced Dean who pecked the tip of his nose. “You’re not gonna get rid of me. And we’re okay now.” He paused for a while, then quietly continued, “I can’t even imagine how terrible losing your brothers must be even though they hurt you and I’m truly sorry about that but they can’t hurt us anymore. The one thing… the only thing that would hurt me, more than anything ever could, would be you leaving me because of this.”

Cas snuggled closer to Dean. “I’m so sorry. I should be the one taking care of you,” he murmured into Dean’s chest and carefully lay an arm around him.

Dean yawned. “’s okay. We got each other and that’s enough, right?”

Even if Cas had answered that question, Dean wouldn’t have heard it anymore as he fell asleep.


	55. Chapter 55

When Dean awoke the bedroom was unusually quiet. He blinked and turned his head, reaching over to... “Cas?” The other half of the bed was empty and cold. Sitting up, Dean noticed that Cas’s clothes which he’d thrown over the chair in the corner the night before were gone. An uneasy feeling seized hold of him as he got up to look for his boyfriend. Judging by his behaviour the previous day, Dean couldn’t say for sure that Cas had gone off to do something stupid.

“Ca- Ow, shit!” He cursed as he stumbled over a single shoe and almost knocked into the wardrobe, catching himself with his injured hand in the last moment and swearing even more. After kicking the stupid shoe away he took a breath and opened the bedroom door. “Cas?!”

No answer, and the living room was empty. Dean turned to his right and checked the bathroom. It was just as empty as the tiny corridor. “Dammit!”

He was just about to check if Cas had left a message by the phone when clatter caused him to whirl around and made him wince in pain at the sudden movement. A head with tousled hair appeared behind the counter of the kitchen nook and Cas looked up at him with wide eyes and a half surprised, half guilty expression. “Uh, sorry.” He quickly picked up the bowls he’d scattered over the ground.

Dean watched him in confusion and rounded the counter, taking in the mess that somewhat resembled his tiny kitchen. Only that it had never been this messy. “Why didn’t you answer when I…?” Only then did he notice the earbuds in Cas’s ears. “Those mine?”

Cas immediately took them out and fumbled around with the cable. “Oh, yes, I hope you don’t mind.”

“No, but since when do you listen to music? Y’know, never mind, it’s fine, keep ‘em. Just… what on earth are you even doing?!” Dean really didn’t need to nod at the chaos on the counter but he did it anyway.

With a sheepish look Cas tried to push himself between Dean and the mess of dirty bowls, flour, sugar, eggs and undefinable substances covering almost every inch. “I was trying to surprise you…”

Raising a brow, Dean looked from Cas to the counter and back. “Well, can’t say I’m not surprised… But I doubt you made a mess on purpose. What’re you trying to do?”

Cas shrugged and stared at his feet. “I didn’t take care of you because I was so selfish and only thought about my own struggles so I thought I’d -”

“You’re kidding, right?” Dean interrupted him incredulously. “Dude, your brothers just died, of course you’re thinking about that. C’mere.” He stepped forward and wrapped an arm around his boyfriend’s shoulders, pulling him close. “Stop beating yourself up about everything, okay? I understand.”

Castiel released a shaky breath and nodded, whispering, “Thank you.”

“Now tell me, what were you tryin’ to do here?” Dean asked gently after a few moments.

“…Pie…?” Cas sounded unsure and added, “but nothing is working…”

Biting his lip, Dean did his best not to chuckle. “Yeah, that doesn’t exactly look like pie to be honest. Need a hand?”

“I would appreciate that.”

“Alright, let’s get this mess cleaned up first. What kind of filling did you wanna make?”

“Pecan. But I can’t even make dough and then I spilled some and…” He sighed.

Dean grinned. “Some? Yeah, I can see that. Don’t worry, I’ll show you how to bake a pie. Didn’t expect this lesson to be this early but whatever.”

“Are you sure you can do this?”

“Positive. Plus, I get the chance to watch my clumsy but adorable and hot boyfriend baking a pie for me and there’s no way you’re getting out of this now.”

At that, Cas tried to hide his blush and turned around to start cleaning the kitchen counter.

“Hey.” Dean grabbed his shoulder and gently pulled him close to kiss his cheek and brush some flour out of his hair, then smiled. “Now we can start.”

***

About two hours later – Dean was now almost as covered in flour as Cas and he couldn’t even say how the hell this had happened – a sudden knock on the door had them exchange a surprised look. They weren’t expecting anybody. Dean dusted some of the flour off his shirt and made his way to the door, avoiding the spilled ingredients on the floor. Castiel definitely needed to work on his baking skills – or rather on keeping the ingredients in their bowls. 

He opened the apartment door only to look up at Benny. “Hey, man, what’re you doing here? And how’d you get up here?”

Benny only gaped at him for several seconds before uttering, “Y’know, Rufus said yer sick, not that you’ve been in a car accident or somethin’. What happened to ya?!”

“Long, story, really. Listen, I don’t wanna be rude, Benny, but why are you here?”

“Well, since ya decided to ignore all o’ my calls an’ ditched me on our boys night out without sayin’ a word I went by yer workplace an’ had your boss telling me that you called in sick for quite some time and that it’s gotta be somethin’ serious so I thought I’d check on you. Coulda at least given me a call, brother. Now, you gonna let me in or what?”

“Uh, yeah sure.” Dean stepped aside and let Benny enter. “You’re right, I should’ve called. Sorry.”

“Damn straight. So tell me, what’d ya get yers- Oh.” Benny stopped so abruptly that Dean ran into him and groaned quietly at the pain shooting from his collar bone through his shoulder and arm. He shoved Benny out of the way and stepped into the living room, realising his best friend had just spotted Castiel who somehow looked even more chaotic than when Dean had found him in the kitchen ealier that morning.

Cas gave a shy smile and wiped his hands on his trousers, leaving handprints on the dark fabric. “Hello. You must be Benny.”

“An’ you gotta be the reason Dean ain’t straight anymore.” That earned him Dean’s elbow in his ribs but Benny just grinned. “Nice to finally meet ya.” Without caring about Cas’s sticky hands, Benny offered his own and shook Cas’s right hand, squeezing a little harder than necessary.

Dean pulled Benny away and ushered him further into the living room. “Why don’t you sit down, I’ll be with you in a minute, okay? Let us just finish up here and put the pie in the oven. Want some coffee or something?”

With a last look to Cas Benny shrugged and padded towards the couch. “Sounds good, brother. Hope ya realise you’ll hafta tell me what the hell you did there, though. Ya look awful.”

“Thanks, Benny, you always know what I want to hear,” Dean grumbled and filled water into the coffee machine while he pondered on what to tell his friend. He couldn’t possibly tell him the truth, Benny would get almost as protective as Sam, that much was clear, and explaining that Cas was an angel who had turned human wasn’t exactly a good plan either. Finishing the pie crust, putting the pie in the oven and asking Cas if he minded cleaning up without him only gave him so much time to come up with a plausible story but eventually he decided to stick to what little he remembered of the explanation Sam had given the nurses at the hospital.

Sipping his coffee, Benny listened to Dean’s story, occasionally glancing over to Cas, and eventually asked, “You sure that’s really what happened? ‘cause brother, I’ve seen ya getting’ into quite some fights an’ you ain’t the kinda guy to get your ass kicked this bad.”

“There was three of ‘em and they had knives.”

“You can take three guys, or are you tryna tell me yer getting’ old?” Benny mocked.

Dean rolled his eyes. “Screw you, you’re almost four years older than me.”

His friend flashed a smile. “An’ still in better shape, by the looks o’ it.”

“Yeah, right.”

“Seriously though, you got any idea who those guys were?”

The doorbell saved Dean from having to answer. “You invited anybody else?” he asked Benny who shook his head.

“No idea who that is.”

“I got it,” Dean called to Cas in the bathroom who was cleaning himself up. He buzzed the front door open and listened to the footsteps climbing the stairs. Two pairs of footsteps, he corrected himself as he opened the apartment door.

“Who is it?” Cas asked as he came up behind Dean, peeking over his shoulder – and freezing when the men came in sight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again this is me apologising for keeping all of you waiting but my bachelor thesis is a ton of work and just super important, so unfortunately fics aren't my priority atm :(  
> I still hope you like this chapter and a bit of fluff and BAKING and also Benny c:


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